my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Husbands & Wives (Page 87)

This topic comprises 94 pages: 1  2  3  ...  84  85  86  87  88  89  90  92  93  94

Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2008 09:17 AM                        Rated G Diana They were watching a TV soap opera, and he became irritated by the way his wife was taking it to heart. "How can you sit there and cry about the made-up troubles of people you've never even met?" he demanded. "The same way you can jump up and scream when some guy you've never met scores a touchdown," she replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2008 09:19 AM                        Rated G Bill An old man says to his wife, "You know, I think it's time for us to have another baby." "Are you crazy?" says his wife. "Well, just think," he says. "I used to complain about having to get up at two o'clock in the morning to feed the baby, but these days, I get up about that time anyway!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2008 03:15 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Adam Was Lucky! Reasons Adam Was The Luckiest Man: He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married. He had no in-laws to drop in. There were no Jones for him to keep up with. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe. He never had to shovel snow! There was no "standard weight and height" tables -- and the word FAT meant good.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2008 08:38 AM                        Rated G Diana On my way home from a long and stressful day at the office, the phone rang. It was my husband. "Will you be joining me in the whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked. What a lovely way to spend an evening, I thought. I was about to tell him how considerate he was when he continued, "Because if you're not, I need to start adding more water to the tub."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2008 08:51 AM                        Rated G TheWhiteRabbit An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2008 03:09 PM                        Rated G Gerry The couple had reached an age where the wife thought it was time to start considering wills and funeral arrangements rather than be caught unprepared. Her husband, however, wasn't too interested in the topic. "Would you rather be buried or cremated?" she asked him. There was a pause, then he replied from behind his paper, "Surprise me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-19-2008 04:47 PM                        Rated PG Roger marries at age 85 At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes,the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old,ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?' The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2008 12:46 PM                        Rated G Gerry Just before payday, I asked my wife what we could do that was both unusual and cheap. Our teenage son, overhearing the conversation, said, "Why not pay my allowance? That's unusual and cheap."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2008 07:55 AM                        Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont. Man's best friend.... A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2008 04:48 PM                        Rated G Lorraine It was a bitterly contested divorce hearing, and after three weeks of bitter acrimony, the judge was ready to hand down his decision. The judge said, "Mr. Jamison, after hearing both sides of the case, we find that you are at fault, and therefore the court will give your wife alimony at seven hundred dollars a month." Jamison replied, "Thanks, your Honor. And to show I'm not such a bad guy, I'll throw in a hundred myself."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2008 04:50 PM                        Rated G Lorraine The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks. "Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the cat had eaten it!" "Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We'll get a new cat in the morning..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2008 08:35 AM                        Rated G Q What did the chef give his wife on Valentine's Day? A) A hug and a quiche.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2008 03:07 PM                        Rated G Lorraine We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my husband said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and fifty cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned him. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My husband asked incredulously. "I'll take the special." "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," my husband replied. He took the two eggs home.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2008 01:02 PM                        Rated G Vicky Making marriage work is like operating a farm: you have to start all over again each morning.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2008 05:52 PM                        Rated G the little woman A man and his wife were out to dinner one night. The waiter informed them that the special was almond chicken or fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman said. The waiter nodded. "And the vegetable?" he asked. "Oh, he'll have the fish," she replied.  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 94 pages: 1  2  3  ...  84  85  86  87  88  89  90  92  93  94

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.