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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 09-27-2010 11:23 AM                        Rated PG... A couple living in a small Minnesota town take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night. After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to bowl, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?" The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?" "No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?" "Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her hairy muff. After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?" "Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before.” "I know," he replied, "but the bowling team hadn't!"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-05-2011 01:23 PM                        Rated PG.... A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied,'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.' The man then said, 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again. THhe wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned.'  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-27-2011 11:34 AM                        Rated PG The wife and I were at home watching TV. I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"  |  IP: Logged Randy Stankey Film God Posts: 6539 From: Erie, Pennsylvania Registered: Jun 99 posted 02-03-2011 02:46 PM                     A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back,were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this."Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.." A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 02-17-2011 06:46 PM                        Rated PG... Ooops - see below  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 02-17-2011 06:47 PM                        Rated PG.... A Eulogy She married and had 6 children. Her husband died. She soon married again, and had 3 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried, and this time had 4 more children. Yet again, her husband died. At last, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled His commandment to "Go forth and multiply." In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together." Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Is he referring to her first, second or third husband?" The neighbor replied, "I think he's referring to her legs."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 04-20-2011 06:29 PM                        Rated PG... A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in."  |  IP: Logged Ian Parfrey Phenomenal Film Handler Posts: 1049 From: Imbil Australia 26 deg 27' 42.66" S 152 deg 42' 23.40" E Registered: Feb 2009 posted 06-09-2011 06:12 PM                     The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE' He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? The wife replied, 'The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess.'  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 09-05-2011 04:53 PM                        Rated G A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... The husband became 92 years old.  |  IP: Logged Ian Parfrey Phenomenal Film Handler Posts: 1049 From: Imbil Australia 26 deg 27' 42.66" S 152 deg 42' 23.40" E Registered: Feb 2009 posted 04-02-2012 07:24 PM                     Rated M A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No , it's turned black."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 04-23-2012 11:04 AM                        Rated G...... A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."  |  IP: Logged System Notices Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi Posts: 215 Registered: Apr 2004 posted 02-09-2015 12:18 PM                 It has been 1022 days since the last post.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 02-09-2015 12:18 PM                        Rated PG.... A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough loving. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally, Homer asked the town doctor what to do "Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then, you won't lose any field time." They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Some weeks later Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?" "Oh, it worked really well," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene would come running. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again." "Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc. "I ain't seen her since hunting season started."  |  IP: Logged System Notices Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi Posts: 215 Registered: Apr 2004 posted 04-06-2017 04:05 PM                 It has been 787 days since the last post.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 04-06-2017 04:05 PM                        Rated G..... A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We have arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."  |  IP: Logged

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