my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Husbands & Wives (Page 47)

This topic comprises 94 pages: 1  2  3  ...  44  45  46  47  48  49  50  ...  92  93  94

Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 10:33 AM                        Rated G Michele I blame my mother for my poor sex life.All she told me was,'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 11:43 AM                        Rated G Michele Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband).All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?" "Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge,so he trusted her advice. Sure enough,Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets,exposing six feet. "Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" "Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me,count them again." The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh,you're right, dear!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 04:59 AM                        Rated G Michele John came home one Saturday evening to find his wife Jill at the computer, still in her robe and slippers. "Well, what have you done today?" he asked. "Hey!" Jill answered. "I'm out of bed, and I made it to the keyboard! What else do you want?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 06:07 AM                        Rated G A Spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 06:46 AM                        Rated G BB Hubby Pie Can be prepared 20 years ahead. Ingredients: Crust: 1 hard-skinned hubby 1 comfortable sofa Filling: 1 TV remote control 6 pack of coke or beer 1 packet chips (crisps) 1 family size pizza 1 large serve nacho 1 melted cheese sandwich 15 years patience lifetime of loving care 1 ounce of resignation Method Cram one thick-skinned hubby into a well worn greased and comfortable sofa and leave to set (probably will take length of one sport show), remove from family room and bring to kitchen to finish filling. Mix TV remote control, chip packet, pizza, hot-dog, nachos and cheese sandwich on a large tray. Add six pack of coke or beer slowly (to avoid excess gas), bind with a lot of patience, loving care and resignation. Be careful to place hubby and filling carefully back in front of the TV so as not to disturb the view of the screen and leave to solidify indefinitely. Head back to your computer and have a marvelous time chatting with your online friends UNDISTURBED!!! (Or, go SHOPPING!)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 08:02 AM                        Rated G Bill had a disturbing discussion with his wife this morning. He said that men like Brad Pitt and George Clooney are a dime a dozen. His wife handed him a nickel and said "Get me six of them."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 11:28 AM                        Rated R New Diet Pill A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit andcoffee to follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes? He declines. "Naw, still not hungry." Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 06:41 AM                        Rated G Michael Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Tiger Woods is to golf. She designed exotic patterns with ease. There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw thehand-written menu she was so impressed with the caligraphy she tucked the menu in her purse. Some months later I saw the result, a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stiched down the front. She received compliments galore until one cocktail party when we met a distiguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant. "I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway." Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, "This is a cheap dish - but good."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 10:25 AM                        Rated G "Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?" "A vet? Why do you want a vetand not a medical doctor?" asked his wife. The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a black widow!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 10:44 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee What a Sacrifice..... As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about male- female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women. "You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping,their laundry..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 03:46 PM                        Rated G Michele Aggravated wife to husband who's hiding behind the newspaper: "You can stop saying,'Uh-huh.'I stopped talking an hour ago."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 04:01 PM                        Rated PG Michele The other night my wife and I were getting it on when I heard her yelling,Climax! Climax!' I asked her "What's the big hurry?" She replied,"I didn't say that.I thought it was you." Then we heard it again from the next apartment.Later we found out the little old lady who lives there was teaching her parakeet Max to go up a ladder.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 04:33 PM                        Rated G Diane in Beantown My wife clipped a job listing out of the paper for me.She said it wasn't much to start out,but a huge pay raise.It read: Salary: 23k to start. 401k after 1 yr.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-07-2003 12:55 PM                        Rated G ..... Lorraine Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. HIM: "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today." HER: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear." HIM: "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news." HER: "Well, the air bag works."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-07-2003 12:58 PM                        Rated PG My wife's psychiatrist just called me and said,"Did you know she was going to poison you?" I said,"No! What do you suggest?" "After talking to her for three hours,my suggestion to you is to take the poison."  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 94 pages: 1  2  3  ...  44  45  46  47  48  49  50  ...  92  93  94

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.