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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2005 12:43 PM                        Rated G My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2005 03:17 PM                        Rated G The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex.Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart.Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl,thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile,"Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again." Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,OKAY!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2005 12:41 PM                        Rated G A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded. "He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 02:45 PM                        Rated G Quirk "My wife insists on turning off the lights when we make love. That doesn't bother me. It's the hiding that seems so cruel." Jonathan Katz  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 02:58 PM                        Rated G Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up. --Joseph Barth After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her. -- Mark Twain I first learned the concepts of non-violence in my marriage. -- Mohandas K. Gandhi "Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets." --Ogden Nash  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 03:40 PM                        Rated G Our friends, James and Florence, attend choir practice Wednesday evenings, and often head for a restaurant afterwards with their fellow choir members. Florence soon noticed that every time she had a glass of wine, it was followed by a severe migraine headache. James agreed with her that it might be better if she abstained, and so she did. On one post choir occasion, however, Florence decided, after some hesitation, to try a different variety of wine. Some time passed with no consequences. Then she waved happily across the big table where her colleagues all sat and while holding up the empty wine glass announced in a loud voice, "James! I don't have a headache tonight!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 12:24 PM                        Rated G A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great husband." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2005 03:29 PM                        Rated G My wife says that the difference between a husband and childbirth is that one can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable, while the other is just having a baby.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-25-2005 07:22 AM                        Rated G A living will A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2005 09:56 AM                        Rated G Marriage is not a man's idea. A woman must have thought of it. Years ago some guy said, "Let me get this straight, honey. I can't sleep with anyone else for the rest of my life, and if things don't work out, you get to keep half my stuff? What a great idea."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-29-2005 09:37 PM                        Rated G Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?" Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife." Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?" Millionaire: "A Billionaire"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-30-2005 11:48 AM                        Rated G At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children." As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable." Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable." As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-30-2005 03:12 PM                        Rated PG... Last Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns and dressed quietly. I made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and opened the garage door. Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Looking at the situation for a few minutes, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I finally find out it's going to be bad weather all day long, so out to the garage again, I disconnected the boat and pushed it back in the corner of the garage, went back in the house and quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation in mind, I quietly whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out there fishing in that shit?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2005 12:13 PM                        Rated G Bill: My wife drives like lightning. Doug: She drives fast? Bill: No, she hits trees!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2005 07:15 PM                        Rated R A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question. WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: -- silence -- HUSBAND: "Shit."  |  IP: Logged

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