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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2005 08:57 AM                        Rated G What would you like?" my wife asked as she prepared the evening meal. "Tuna, salmon, chicken, beef or liver?" Surprised and pleased by this unusual opportunity to make a selection from such an extensive dinner menu, I replied, "Beef would be nice for a change, thank you." "Oh," she said, "I wasn't talking to you, I was asking the cat. We're having soup."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2005 10:08 AM                        Rated G One day a husband decided to go to a pet store and get his wife a bird for Christmas. He knew she loved animals, birds in particular, and decided this would be the perfect gift for her. He goes to the pet store and asks the manager if he has anything special in the way of birds. The manager tells him that in fact he does, it's a bird named Chet who sings. The guy is very interested and asks to see Chet. The manager brings him over to a beautiful bird and tells the husband that this is Chet. The husband asks what is so special about him and the manager tells him that Chet can sing, and that he'll show him. The manager then takes a cigarette lighter out of his pocket and lights it a few inches underneath Chet's right foot. Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..." The husband says that it was great and asks, "Does Chet sing anything else?" So the manager then lights his lighter under Chet's left foot, and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..." The husband is very impressed, sure that his wife will absolutely love this bird, so he buys Chet. He brings the bird home and presents it to his wife as a Christmas gift. She is very happy and says the bird is beautiful. The husband tells her that the bird can sing, and he takes his lighter and lights it beneath Chet's right foot, and Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..." The wife is thrilled and asks if he can do anything else. The husband then lights the lighter under Chet's left foot and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..." The wife is overwhelmed and asks, "What would happen if you put the lighter under both of his feet at the same time?" The husband says that he doesn't know, but they could try it. So the husband puts the lighter under both feet and he begins to sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2005 02:03 PM                        Rated G A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. "Exactly," replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2005 04:09 PM                        Rated G At a wedding my husband, George, and I attended, the groom got choked up and shed a few tears. I leaned over to George and whispered, "Why didn't you cry at our wedding?" "I would have," he replied, "if I'd known what was in store for me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-07-2005 07:15 AM                        Rated G At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?" I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'" Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-07-2005 10:10 AM                        Rated G People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 09:33 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba I was eagerly looking forward to retaking my marriage vows until I found out that "I DON'T" does not cancel the originals.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 09:42 AM                        Rated G As we were packing to leave the hotel room, my husband asked me why I had piled all the towels on the desk. I pointed to the sign on the desk. It read please leave towels here when you go.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2005 09:41 PM                        Rated G Steve Remember, raising your voice in an argument lowers the chance for reconciliation.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2005 07:37 AM                        Rated G How was King Henry VIII different from normal husbands? He married his wives first, and axed them after.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2005 07:46 AM                        Rated G Lorraine In a new-car showroom, my husband, Dave, and I were walking towards a sedan when we spotted a bright red convertible sports car. Dave climbed behind the wheel, while I wedged myself into the passenger seat. As we gazed out, we realized that Dave was looking over, rather than through, the windshield. When the salesman came over, he looked puzzled when Dave asked, "Do you have anything in a 42 tall?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2005 07:52 AM                        Rated G The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper. "Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers. " To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2005 07:38 PM                        Rated G Marriage is a union. A union of heart, a union of soul, a union of minds, but wait till you have to pay those union dues.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2005 11:56 AM                        Rated G Betsy In the old days, when young couples went off on their honeymoons by train, the bridegroom said, "Wait here, dear, and I'll get the tickets." So he did, but long habit would not be denied and he had not yet gotten used to the fact that he was traveling by twos. He had bought one round-trip ticket. He came rushing back to the bride, who looked at the single ticket in his hand, and whose bright blue eyes promptly filled with tears. The bridegroom looked at her with astonishment,then with horror at his ticket,and in the blink of an eye set all straight by saying, "Oh, darling, in all the excitement I completely forgot to buy a ticket for myself."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2005 11:57 AM                        Rated G Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. -- Unknown  |  IP: Logged

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