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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-11-2005 11:44 AM                        Rated PG Mildred was a 93-year-old woman, and was particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2005 01:59 PM                        Rated G Spaz The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile." "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2005 03:54 PM                        Rated G I want my husband to take me in his arms and whisper those three little words that all women long to hear: "You were right."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2005 03:04 PM                        Rated G The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday. "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk. "You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-19-2005 02:46 PM                        Rated G Lulu A minister was counseling a woman who was having marital problems. "Does your husband believe in life after death?" The minister asked. "Hah! He doesn't even believe in life after supper,"' the woman said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 04:32 PM                        Rated G Betsy My husband's forgetfulness helps keep the marriage going. Every time I'm a little grumpy, he buys me flowers, takes me out to dinner and wishes me a happy anniversary.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 09:30 PM                        Rated G Sally I heard this joke from my husband. Q: Honey, would you still love me if I were burned beyond all recognition? A: I'd love you MORE!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-26-2005 07:24 AM                        Rated G First husband: Last night my wife dreamed she was married to a millionaire. Second husband: You're lucky. My wife thinks that in the daytime.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2005 03:44 PM                        Rated G Betsy His wife said she'll be glad to have him home. She said, "For years he's been coming home and asking me what I did all day. Now he can stay home and watch me do it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 12:35 PM                        Rated G Husband: I'd like to know whatever became of the old-fashioned girls who fainted when a man kissed them. Wife: What I'd like to know is what happened to the old-fashioned men who made them faint.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 01:07 PM                        Rated G "What would you like?" my wife asked as she prepared the evening meal. "Tuna, salmon, chicken, beef or liver?" Surprised and pleased by this unusual opportunity to make a selection from such an extensive dinner menu, I replied, "Beef would be nice for a change, thank you." "Oh," she said, "I wasn't talking to you, I was asking the cat. We're having soup."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2005 04:50 PM                        Rated G Shortly after we were married, my husband accompanied me to the supermarket for the first time. Not having had to consider the option of paper versus plastic bags before, he was momentarily puzzled when the cashier asked, "Paper or plastic?" After due consideration,he replied,"Just regular money,I guess."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2005 09:33 AM                        Rated G Betsy On our anniversary, my wife told me, "I know I married you for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, but I've changed my mind, I'm ready now for better and richer."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2005 08:10 AM                        Rated PG "I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce." "Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?" "I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first. "Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin." "It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2005 10:14 AM                        Rated G Although I had kept my weight gain to the minimum recommended by my doctor, one day during my eighth month of pregnancy, I felt particularly large and unattractive. My husband lovingly reassured me that he thought I was more beautiful and attractive than ever. "Do you really mean that?" I questioned. "How can you say that now that I have a basketball belly?" "Easy," he replied with a grin. "It's my basketball."  |  IP: Logged

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