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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2005 02:05 PM                        Rated G Have you ever noticed that retired couples have reached a level of maturity where they never have any of those piddling little quarrels that other people do? They have one big argument that starts at seven in the morning and goes right through till bedtime.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2005 03:54 PM                        Rated G Retirement is also when the husband comes up with all kinds of theories on how to do the cooking, housework, and shopping better. The wife also comes up with a theory - that all pills do NOT come in bottles.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2005 01:42 PM                        Rated G Hank in Simi Definition of Bravery: True bravery is arriving home, stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys,being met at the door and assaulted with a broom by your wife . . . and still having the balls to ask:" Are you cleaning, or were you flying?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-20-2005 03:40 PM                        Rated G My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe he will buy me a diamond next time.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-21-2005 01:07 PM                        Rated G When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive................... So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2005 09:35 AM                        Rated G One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom,"why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2005 10:43 AM                        Rated G An older couple were lying in bed after an evening celebrating there 50th Wedding Anniversary. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to go back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite me on my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. He answered, "To get my teeth!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-04-2005 10:06 AM                        Rated G My parents have been married for almost 40 years. Whenever anyone asks my Dad how they've stayed married for so long, he claims they are compatible. They both like to fight! He says that they have come to an agreement on one thing... He doesn't try to run her life, and he doesn't try to run his.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2005 10:33 AM                        Rated G Quirk "My wife and I demonstrate perfectly that people from different religions can get along, as I'm Catholic and she's Protestant. It's great, because my wife will be too busy burning in Hell for all eternity to bug me about hitting on all those hot Heaven chicks."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2005 10:34 AM                        Rated G LuLu The bank where I work had just installed its first 24- hour cash machine. I encouraged an elderly gentleman to take an application for the new plastic identification cards, explaining that he would be able to get cash any time of day or night. He declined, saying, "Lady, anything I'd need money for that late at night I shouldn't be doing."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 06-16-2005 11:28 AM                        Rated G... A man had just finished reading his book, "Man of the House" while making his commute home from work. By the time he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife, pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral director would be my guess," said his wife.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2005 01:23 PM                        Rated G I always thought Hannibal Lecter was a loner. Turns out he had a wife and ate children.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-22-2005 03:46 PM                        Rated G Two friends had been traveling in India and told the couple they'd brought them one of the most unusual kinds of mystic gift. They then produced two small bottles of clear fluid and told them that if either one cheated the liquid would turn black. The following summer the wife went away on a vacation and while she was gone one of the friends sneaked into the house, put black ink into one of the bottles and placed it behind a picture. The wife returned and one day while cleaning came across the bottle of black ink. She hurriedly emptied it and filled it with water.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-23-2005 06:14 PM                        Rated G Marriage counselor: Now, what seems to be the problem? Husband: She's always threatening me! Wife: I do not! Husband: Do so! Why, even during the wedding ceremony, when I said "I do" you said, "You'd better"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-27-2005 10:44 AM                        Rated G Mr. Verma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody." The next day, Mrs.Verma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid. " Am I speaking to Mrs.Verma ? " "Yes...... speaking" AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy "What are you saying? It's in your files ... HOW ?????" " Yes .........We have a system of finding out who's overdue " " GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........." "Madam, I am sorry...I am following orders...I have to inform you are overdue" "I know that ...let me talk to my husband about this tonight...he will speak to your company tomorrow " That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning. "What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC,"it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well,in that case,sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."  |  IP: Logged

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