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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 03:18 PM                        Rated G "Great Job" A guy came home to his wife and said to her: "Guess what? I've found a great job.A 10 am start,2 pm finish,no over- time,no weekends and it pays $600 a week!" "That's great," his wife said. "Yeah,I thought so too," he agreed."You start Monday."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 03:02 PM                        Rated G A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error. "I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right." He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first. "I'm wrong," she said. With a twinkle in his eye, he responded,"You're right!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2003 07:40 AM                        Rated G "My husband keeps complaining I never listen to him...or something like that." --Lorraine  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2003 10:20 AM                        Rated G David was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his wife.He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary. “David!!David!!Put down that paper and let’s talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today.What do you suggest?” David put his newspaper down,removed and polished his glasses,stared for a moment into the distance,then said, How about two minutes of silence?”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2003 10:47 AM                        Rated G Jill came home rather late. "Oh, Sweetheart," she called out to her husband,"your car's on Main Street." "Why didn't you bring it home?" "I couldn't" Jill said. "It's too dark out there to find all the parts."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2003 10:59 AM                        Rated G Last summer,my husband,took me camping for the first time.At every opportunity,he passed along outdoor-survival lore. One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods.He tried the usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees (there was none),direction of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc., etc. Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars,studied the cabin,turned and led us right back to our camp. "That was terrific,"I said."How did you do it?" "Simple," he replied."In this part of the country all the TV satellite dishes point south."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2003 11:04 AM                        Rated PG A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened."Well,it was like this," said the man."I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around,I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough,there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well,I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,'Hey,this looks like yours!'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2003 09:32 AM                        Rated X From the Wife's Mouth Top Ten Things You'll NEVER Hear A Wife Say 1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste. 2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? 3. I'm bored. Let's shave my p****! 4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? 5. That was a great fart! Do another one! 6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 7. You're so sexy when you're hungover. 8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 9. Let's subscribe to Penthouse. 10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 08:59 AM                        Rated R Jill had been sick for quite a while with a sore throat and a cough. Her doctor had told her that she could infect John,so there was to be NO intimatecontact between them until she was well.That was why they had played cards every night for a couple ofweeks.When she finally got a clean bill of health from her doctor,Jill was delighted. That evening at home,she was in the bathroom when she heard John call,"Should I get the cards, Jill?" "Yeah!" shouted Jill."I'll be right out." In a few minutes,John shouted,"I can't find the cards,Jill." "That's okay,John,"said Jill,as she walked out of the bathroom in a bikini made from playing cards. "Wanna shuffle, John?" she asked.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 09:03 AM                        Rated G A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska--a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking.He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity,to hunt moose,and drive a dog team instead of a car. "If we decided to live there permanently,away from civilization,what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife. She replied, "You."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 02:06 PM                        Rated G One of the side effects of Viagra is a headache. Every time I take a pill, my wife gets a headache.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 02:31 PM                        Rated G When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidently locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishy to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side,I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey'" I announced to the technician,"It's open!" "I know," answered the young man."I already got that side."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 03:24 PM                        Rated G Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible,so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand.Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred,we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand." "Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 04:19 PM                        Rated PG Wife hunting Deer It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asked her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiled. "Im going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and Ill come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldnt bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire! Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 06:32 AM                        Rated G Sam MAX: How long have you and your wife been drifting apart? MONTY: Since we bought a water bed.  |  IP: Logged

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