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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 04:07 PM                        Rated G Couples Humor A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you." *~*~*~*~* "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. *~*~*~*~* He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded. *~*~*~*~* On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere. Written just below it "I do not." *~*~*~*~* He said - Should we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. *~*~*~*~* He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror! *~*~*~*~* A couple who's been married for over 20 years were having a fight in the car during a trip for a holiday. After arguing for a moment, they decided to quit talking and silence ruled. Then after a few minutes, they passed some pigs in a farm, all making horrible noises. The wife looks at her husband and gives a sinister grin and says, "Relatives of yours?" The husband replied "Yep, in-laws  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 07:56 PM                        Rated PG ...........Marriage Jokes Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it is damned near impossible. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. How are tornadoes and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished. I'm thinking about getting married. I looked up the word "engaged" in the dictionary. It said, "To do battle with the enemy." Then I looked up mother-in-law. It said, "See engaged." The future father-in-law asks, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replies, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves." If all Brides are beautiful, where the fuck do ugly wives come from?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2003 06:56 AM                        Rated G Tough Wife Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?" "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel'!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2003 07:51 AM                        Rated G Hormone Hostage Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other. DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2003 01:15 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee For my husband's birthday, I gave him a state-of-the-art metal detector. He excitedly took his new toy to the back yard to try it out. When he scattered some change on the ground, it seemed to work fine. Then, even when he wasn't near the coins, the thing kept going off. Over and over, he adjusted and re-adjusted with no luck. After watching him for a while, I said, "I think I know what's wrong." "I know what I'm doing!" he snapped. After 20 minutes, he finally turned to me. "Okay, what's wrong?" "You're standing over the septic tank," I said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-17-2003 11:22 AM                        Rated G In my job with a credit union, I often run across accounts that are protected by password. The credit-union member when withdrawing funds, must produce identification and then give the password to the teller. Recently,when I asked a woman for her password she sighed, rolled her eyes, and replied, "Save." I was puzzled until she explained, "My husband put in that password so I'd have to say it every time I make a withdrawal."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-17-2003 11:26 AM                        Rated PG Hard as this may be to believe, back in the 60's, white activists often got their hair styled in an "Afro" to show support for civil rights. One such fellow did so, and came home smiling, announcing that he'd also teased all his pubic hair into the same bushy style. His wife who had had it with her spouses endless posturing sneered, "Great. Just great. Now during foreplay, I have to look for a needle in a haystack."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-17-2003 11:33 AM                        Rated G My wife was commenting on how early her niece (and young people in general) became sexually active in a relationship and I told her:"There's plenty of time for celibacy after she's married!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-17-2003 11:46 AM                        Rated G DA MAN A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after !dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral director," said his wife.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2003 10:00 AM                        Rated G While I was visiting my sister one evening,I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. "How does that thing work?" she asked. As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out,my sister laughed."I see,it's a lot like my husband,"she said."You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2003 09:23 AM                        Rated G Old Jacob Rabinowitz,a raging hypochondriac,was convinced that the pain on his left side was appendicitis. Mrs Rabinowitz explained that the appendix is on the right. "So,aha!THAT's why it hurts to much," said Jacob."My appendix ison the wrong side!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2003 11:49 AM                        Rated XXX Raunchy Taste Test A guy comes home with some multi-flavored condoms to spice up the long winter nights. He comes in, throws off his coat, and announces it to his missus, who becomes immediately excited. Without a word, she grabs him by the nuts and drags him upstairs. He jumps into bed, and she runs off to the bathroom to powder her nose. While he is lying in the bed, hands behind his head, the wife comes in. She strips at the foot of the bed and slides up under the bedding and starts playing the pink oboe. Suddenly, she lifts the bedding and says to her husband "Mmmmm, cheese and onion?" To which he replies, "No, hang on a minute. I haven't put one on yet!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2003 03:23 PM                        Rated G Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house? Of these same men, 90% will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 08:38 AM                        Rated G I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman. "Mom, what's this?" I asked. "Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered. "Is it working?" I asked. "Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 09:12 AM                        Rated PG Restless Waking up after a restless night, the wife turned to her husband and frowned. "I cant believe it! All night long you kept cursing me in your sleep!" The husband replied, "Who was sleeping?"  |  IP: Logged

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