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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 03:21 PM                        Rated G Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore. "As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries. "I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane. "Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2006 07:05 AM                        Rated G Once, studying some statistics, Alan said to his wife, "You know, every time I breathe, three Chinese die." She replied, "That doesn't surprise me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2006 09:08 AM                        Rated G Cutie pa2ti One woman said to her friend, "My husband is always AWOL--After Women Or Liquor."  |  IP: Logged Dieter Depypere Master Film Handler Posts: 343 From: Deutsch-Wagram, Lower Austria, Austria Registered: May 2005 posted 01-12-2006 02:27 PM                     RATED R (for cruelty...) The husband and the wife don't understand each other well. As the man gets very ill, the woman sure wants to inherit. So he cannot die fast enough. On a certain day the woman calls the doctor: "Please come, I think today is the day he'll die!" The doctor arrives and examines the man. After he has done the doctor says "Ma'am, he'll die within a few minutes." The man: "eeeeh... i... am.... still.... ... alive!" Woman: "SHUT UP, THE DOCTOR KNOWS BETTER!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2006 09:15 AM                        Rated R One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death. His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2006 10:19 AM                        Rated G There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!" The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2006 10:26 AM                        Rated G B.B. Marriage Pie Recipe 5 Tablespoons of Understanding, 1 Cup of Tolerance, 1/2 Cup of Sweetness, 4 Tablespoons of Like, 6 Tablespoons of Love, 1/2 Cup of Gentleness, 4 Tablespoons of Sensitivity, Season with Desire, Need, Commitment Directions: Start with the basic ingredients of Love and Like, seasoned with Desire, Need and Commitment, then add 1/2 cup of Gentleness and stir until soft, but peaking. Add tablespoons of Sensitivity until very smooth, then continue to add Tolerance until all the lumps are gone. Mix "briskly" until thick. Cook slowly - for too much heat too quickly, may scorch it, damaging your previous efforts. If this occurs, remove the outer shell, re-stir and add the desired ingredients to accomplish smoothness, but peaking. Re- cook per directions, and remember -Only the outer shell was damaged, the basic ingredients remain. The quantity may be slightly reduced, but not the quality. Apply maximum pressure until completely done and firm. Note: It is perfectly acceptable to add a pinch of argument and, now and then, discontent . . . this adds flavoring and makes appreciation of the dessert. ~ Mark R. Hagood  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-16-2006 07:53 AM                        Rated G Iremember when we moved in our new house. It came with just about everything you could think of built-in. It was the first time my wife ever had a microwave. We ate our first Thanksgiving dinner at 7:30 in the morning.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-18-2006 11:55 AM                        Rated G B.B. A few months after Tom and I were married during World War II, he was shipped off to Pearl Harbor. In one of his first letters, he wrote, "I'm going to have a Navy battleship tattooed on my chest." Instead of pleading, I answered simply, "Send me a picture of your tattoo, and I'll have a duplicate put on my chest." We have been married for 51 years. Neither of us has a tattoo.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-19-2006 06:46 AM                        Rated G If love is blind, and marriage is an institution, is marriage an institution for the blind?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2006 04:56 PM                        Rated R A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several items that range from $250 to $500. The more sheer, the more expensive. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, " I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!" He never heard the shot. Funeral is Friday.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2006 02:39 PM                        Rated G Gerry Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2006 11:12 AM                        Rated G Harry and Esther are out shopping one morning when Esther says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric." Harry replies, "How about a chair?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2006 08:26 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti "What's your husband getting for his 50th birthday?" the woman asked her friend. "Fat and bald," she replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2006 08:33 AM                        Rated G Sally One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb... [ 01-25-2006, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged

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