my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Husbands & Wives (Page 74)

This topic comprises 94 pages: 1  2  3  ...  71  72  73  74  75  76  77  ...  92  93  94

Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2006 07:03 AM                        Rated G Popo My wife and I were watching some TV show the other night where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband to see if he were in fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that. She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in ya."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2006 07:43 AM                        Rated G "Paper Walls" As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working. Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor. "Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2006 04:39 PM                        Rated G Ginny Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin. One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room wearing a towel. Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and started wearing it "What are you doing?" I asked. "Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2006 07:21 AM                        Rated G B.B. My oldest daughter insisted that her true love speak with me, man to man, about his marriage intentions. She had met him overseas and, while I liked everything I'd heard about him, we'd never been introduced. I'm just old-fashioned enough to believe that parental blessing is still necessary for a truly happy union, so I eagerly anticipated our first face-to-face encounter. The big meeting was scheduled to take place in my office. At the appointed hour, my daughter walked in with a good-looking but anxious fellow in tow. Before I could say a thing, he dropped to one knee, took my right hand in both of his, gazed earnestly up at me and said, "Will you be my father-in-law?" I couldn't bless them fast enough.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2006 07:24 AM                        Rated G B.B. "Haircut ID" I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo. "Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said. "But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained. "Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2006 07:30 AM                        Rated G Elaine When you first get married you run around and play games, "Catch me, catch me!" Now we play "Catch me," but we walk, "Can I catch you tomorrow?" Sure, I'll know in advance and have time to shave my legs.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2006 07:41 AM                        Rated G An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2006 07:49 AM                        Rated G Needing to shed a few pounds, my wife and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. We followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful -- we never even felt hungry! But soon we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it. Checking the recipes again, we found it. There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2006 07:52 AM                        Rated G "An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer,asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went."Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. "Well," explained the farmer,"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2006 08:19 AM                        Rated G Morris and his wife were vacationing in Hawaii when a violent earthquake occurred at 3 AM. As soon as morning came, the man went down to the hotel lobby to read the newspaper about what had happened. As he was reading the newspaper, a local gentlemen step up and ask him if he had felt the earthquake during the night. "I sure did. My wife and I are here on vacation from the mainland, and I have felt other earthquakes, but I have never felt a quake like that one, it was terrible. I thought the building was going to come down on us." The guy asks, "What were you doing during the earthquake?" "Gee, I was having the best sexual performance of my life as that earthquake was happening." "Is that right?" "And what did your wife think about it?" Morris said, "Well, it damn near woke her up!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2006 10:41 AM                        Rated G Quirk "A wedding ring is like a tourniquet -- it cuts off your circulation."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2006 10:45 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti The husband walked out on her once, and she sneered: "You'll come back all right. How long do you imagine you'll be able to stand happiness?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2006 06:34 AM                        Rated G Sheila and I just celebrated our thirtieth wedding anniversary. Somebody asked her what our secret was. She answered, "On my wedding day, I decided to make a list of ten of Tim's faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would always overlook. I figured I could live with at least ten!" When she was asked which faults she had listed, Sheila replied, "I never did get around to listing them. Instead, every time he does something that makes me mad, I simply say to myself, 'Lucky for him, it's one of the ten!'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 07:35 AM                        Rated G When her husband Bill came home from work, Debbie pointed to their four-year-old son Sean and said, "I can't answer his questions. He's driving me crazy." "Calm down and tell me what Sean asked," Bill told her. Debbie replied, "Well, today when I told him to sit on the chair, he asked me, ' How come when you tell me to sit down and I do, you tell me to sit up?' Bill I don't have an answer for that!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 07:45 AM                        Rated G Lulu Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation. "I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager. "Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?" "Autumn," he replied.  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 94 pages: 1  2  3  ...  71  72  73  74  75  76  77  ...  92  93  94

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.