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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2005 11:59 AM                        Rated G "My husband was so ugly, he used to stand outside the doctor's office and make people sick." --Jackie Moms Mabley  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2005 12:13 PM                        Rated G Middle-aged wife to husband at computer: "Yes, honey, I think you can safely assume that a romantic e-mail from Pamela Lee Anderson is a prank."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-19-2005 11:42 AM                        Rated G It was a terrible night. The rain was cold, and coming down in torrents. The wind was nearly a gale. The streets were deserted, and Jones the baker was about to close his shop when a little man managed to make his way through the door. He carried an umbrella, which had been blown inside out, and wore two coats over a thick sweater. He was soaked to the skin and looked utterly bedraggled and miserable as he unwound his scarf so that he could speak. "Give me two bagels to go, please," he said faintly. The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels. Nothing more?" "That's all" "You came here in this weather for just two bagels." "That's all. One for me and one for Bernice." "Bernice is your wife?" And the little man exasperated past the last shred of endurance, shrieked, "What do you think? Would my mother send me out on a night like this?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2005 07:01 AM                        Rated G Some time ago my husband, Joe, was invited to lecture at the University of Cairo. Because of an impending airline strike, reservations were exceedingly difficult to obtain. Every day our travel agent would phone to assure us that everything possible was being done. Finally, two days before we were supposed to leave, we received the okay. Laughingly, our travel agent read the confirmation word for word. We have often wondered since, who the delightful airline employee was who had wired: "Flight into Egypt for Joseph and Mary confirmed."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2005 08:20 AM                        Rated G Husband: Why can’t you make bread like my mother? Wife: I would if you could make dough like your father!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2005 12:28 PM                        Rated G Maggie "It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2005 07:08 AM                        Rated G Usually stoically independent, I was glad to be holding my husband's hand while making my first clumsy attempts at walking after having had a heavy cast removed from my foot. "I feel as though I'm walking with a jerk," I said. I noticed a passerby grinning and glanced up at my supportive husband. I was surprised to see the same grin on his face. "Gee, thanks Hon," he said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2005 07:40 AM                        Rated G Bruce The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been drinking heavily like that since I left him seven years ago." Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2005 11:23 AM                        Rated G Husband: Don’t put that money in your mouth. There are germs on it. Wife: Don’t be silly. Even a germ can’t live on the money you make.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2005 03:42 PM                        Rated G Two women are talking about marriage. One woman says: “ I wonder if my husband will love me when my hair is gray.” “Why not? He’s loved you through three shades already.” Replied her friend.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 12-22-2005 02:39 PM                        Rated PG... As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered the room and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband replied, "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2005 01:32 PM                        Rated G I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning." "What is she doing?" the pal asked. "Waiting for me to get home."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2006 07:07 AM                        Rated G Although a bright and able man, my husband is almost completely helpless when faced with even the simplest domestic chore. One day, in exasperation, I pointed out to him that our friend, Betty had taught her husband Frank, to cook, sew and do laundry, and that if anything ever happened to Betty, Frank would be able to care for himself. Then I said, "What would you do if anything happened to me?" After considering that possibility for a moment, my husband said happily, "I'd move in with Frank."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2006 08:20 AM                        Rated G One guy to another; they say brunettes have a sweeter disposition than blondes and redheads. Don’t believe it! My wife has been all three, and I couldn’t see any difference.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2006 12:52 PM                        Rated G Before and After Marriage Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation. After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac. Before - Ricky & Lucy. After - Fred & Ethel. Before - Saturday Night Live. After - Monday Night Football. Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars. After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done... Before - The Sound of Music. After - The Sound of Silence. Before - Is that all you are eating? After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey. Before - Wheel of Fortune. After - Jeopardy. Before - It's like living a dream. After - It's a nightmare. Before - $60/dozen. After - $1.50/stem. Before - Turbocharged. After - Needs a jump-start Before - We agree on everything! After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own? Before - Victoria's Secret. After - Fruit of the Loom. Before - Feathers & handcuffs. After - Ball and chain. Before - Idol. After - Idle. Before - He's lost without me. After - Why can't he ask for directions? Before - When together, time stands still. After - This relationship is going nowhere. Before - Croissant and cappuccino. After - Bagels and instant coffee. Before - Oysters. After - Fishsticks. Before - I can hardly believe we found each other. After - How the heck did I end up with someone like you? Before - Romeo and Juliet. After - Bill and Hillary. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."  |  IP: Logged

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