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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 10:56 AM                        Rated G Michele "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.Jennifer has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well,you know how she is. Yes,I remember you warned me.I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.You were perfectly right.You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:"Jennifer, your mother wants to talk to you!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 08:31 PM                        Rated G Lorraine My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it. She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV. I guess I stared at her funny because she said,"I just set my hair." The last thing I remember saying was,"Oh, really? And what time does it go off?" [ 09-10-2003, 06:26 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-10-2003 06:28 AM                        Rated PG Michele Mickey was complaining to his friend about the problems he was having with his stubborn wife. "She gets me so angry sometimes I.. I.. I could almost hit her!" he exclaimed. "Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," his friend replied,"Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her." Shaking his head,Mickey replied,"That doesn't work.Once I get her pants off,I'm not mad anymore."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-10-2003 06:56 AM                        Rated G Michele What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? The Catholic wife tells her husband to buy Viagra, the Jewish wifetells her husband to buy Pfizer.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-10-2003 07:02 AM                        Rated G Wife comes in with a new hairstyle. She asks her husband, "How do you like my new permanent?" Husband looks up and replies,"I hope it's only temporary."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-11-2003 02:35 PM                        Rated PG Michele An aging woman in bed with her even more aging husband turns to him and says,"I'd like to do it tonight,but I'm afraid my back might peter out." He answers,"So would I, but I'm afraid my peter might back out." [ 09-14-2003, 05:45 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-14-2003 05:43 AM                        Rated G A woman is standing nude,looking in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband....... "I look horrible,fat & ugly,pay me a compliment", The husband replies,"Your eyesight is bloody perfect!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-14-2003 06:12 AM                        Rated G Michele Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything,as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home". Trying to placate her,the husband found a new apartment,within their budget.However,after the first week,she began complaining again. "Honey," she said,"I don't like this place at all.There are no curtains in the bathroom.The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath". "Don't worry," replied her husband."If the neighbors do see you,they'll buy curtains."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 07:11 AM                        Rated G For their anniversary,Lawrence and Marcy went to a fancy restaurant in Manchester. The waiter approached the table and asked for their order. "Well,my dear chap,I'll have your biggest,juiciest London broiled steak," he said. "But sir,what about the mad cow?!" asked the waiter. "Oh,eventually,she'll have made up her mind," answers the man,"and then she'll order for herself."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2003 02:43 PM                        Rated G Bill heard his wife remark to a lady friend that he was a model husband. He was very proud and happy that his wife would say that. But then, he looked the word up and found that the dictionary defines model as meaning a small imitation of the real thing.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2003 05:02 PM                        Rated G A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence,she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently,she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?!" The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2003 07:28 AM                        Rated R Carol After the big Superbowl party,John figured he better spend some quality time with his wife.He climbs upstairs,walks into the bedroom and crawls into bed. "Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run." "How about foreplay?" his wife replies. "What's the Four Play?" says John. "You know," the wife says,"It happens before the two-minute warning."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 06:38 AM                        Rated PG Captain Silver There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual,he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath the phone rang,which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically,"For crying out loud woman,don't you ever stop?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 08:06 AM                        Rated PG Louise An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other.When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs,and strange sounds at all hours.He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket.After the burial,the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 03:58 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee "I love it when my husband thinks I might leave him.He gets so insecure,he does the dishes. Too bad I have to actually file divorce papers to get him to clean the toilet." -- Shirley Lipner  |  IP: Logged

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