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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-26-2003 06:36 AM                        Rated G Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day' in all my life!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-28-2003 09:32 AM                        Rated PG Michele Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation,"Listen honey,why don't we have a few drinks,dinner,go to my apartment and really make love?" "Over my dead body!" "You haven't changed a bit."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-28-2003 09:36 AM                        Rated G A man and woman get married and go on a honeymoon together. The first night together was great but on the second night, lots of yelling and screaming was coming from the bridal suite. One of the hotel stewards go to check out what's going on and he finds the man beating his bride. The steward says to the man "why are you beating your wife?". The man says,"my wife says she's not a virgin but last night she said she was".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-28-2003 02:11 PM                        Rated G Alex A woman was being sent to England to attend a two-week company training session.Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife says,"Thank you honey,what would you like me to bring for you?" The romantic husband smiles and says,"An English girl!" The woman keeps quiet and bids him a loving good-bye hug and kiss. Two weeks later husband came to receive her at the airport and asked,"Honey,how was your trip?" "Very good, thank you," she says. The husband preparing for a lustful romantic night continued, "And, dear, what happened to my present?" She asks, "What present?" He winks and replies,"Remember what I asked for.... The English girl?" "Oh, that?" the wife answers earnestly, "well, I did what I could;now we have to wait a few months to see if it's really a girl!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-01-2003 03:55 PM                        Rated G I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible. I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work,the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation. "That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me." She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2003 07:38 AM                        Rated G Michele A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2003 02:48 PM                        Rated G Lorraine The celebrant noticed that the bride was in great distress so he asked her what was wrong.She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do.The celebrant told her that she only needed to remember 3 things. First the aisle,because that is what you'll be walking down. Secondly, the altar because that is where you will arrive. Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service. While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words...... Aisle, Altar, Hymn.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2003 02:57 PM                        Rated G Michele A young couple from the back woods gets married and is on their way to Disneyworld for their honeymoon. When they got within 20 miles the man put his hand on his wife's knee. She said "Oh, darling, we're married now. You can go further." So he drove to Miami.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2003 03:14 PM                        Rated X Michele This young couple was about to get married and the night before their wedding day they had a talk.They decided that the one thing that they never wanted to have a problem with was initiating sex in their marriage.To solve that problem they decided to come up with a "code word" to help break the ice when asking for sex. While they were trying to think of a word, the washing machine went off balance and the husband says, "I have an idea, why not use 'washing machine' as the code word?" So washing machine it was... A year passed by and one night they were lying in bed and she was reading and he was watching TV. The husband rolls over and says,"Honey, Washing machine?",and she replies,"Honey, not tonight,I've got a huge headache.I promise we'll do it tomorrow night!" So he says,"Alright that's fine,We'll do it tomorrow." They roll to their respective side of the bed and go to sleep. However,the wife can't sleep because she's thinking,gosh we've only been married 1 year,so we're still practically newlyweds, maybe I should indulge him. She rolls over to her husband and whispers,"Honey,are you still awake??" He replies,"Yeah." She says,"Washing Machine?!?!?!?" "Forget about it.It was a small load,I did it by hand."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2003 03:27 PM                        Rated G Lorraine This couple were married for 67 years. The husband was asked if in all those years had they ever thought of divorce. "Heavens no" he replied. "Murder yes, but never divorce."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-05-2003 07:16 AM                        Rated G Michele Gentlemen, if your wife doesn't feel well, do something special to speed her recovery -- offer to help with the housework. If you don't think there's such a thing as a miracle recovery wait till you see your wife get well again as soon as you start to vacuum the windows.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-05-2003 07:18 AM                        Rated G B.B. Grumbled the new groom at dinner: "Why can't you make bread like my mother does?" Answered his bride, "Why can't you make dough like my father does?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-05-2003 01:25 PM                        Rated G Michele Our first day at a resort,my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way back out when I stopped at the door and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?" "Sure," the maid replied,"but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-05-2003 03:11 PM                        Rated PG Tony in Old Lyme An elderly couple,Sam and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Arizona. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day,he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses,and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE?! IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat Sam... ya shoulda bought a hat."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-07-2003 06:07 PM                        Rated G Michele One of the first things you learn on your honeymoon is,when you're carrying your bride over the threshold,always go in sideways -- unless of course two broken ankles and a concussion turn you on.  |  IP: Logged

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