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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 04:35 PM                        Rated G Alex Joe woke himself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in his dream. As the next day came and went,Joe thought the nocturnal outburst was his alone to remember. But that night,as he and Margaret were getting ready for bed,she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight,just wave."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 05:06 PM                        Rated PG Lorraine "Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry." "Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 65 mph."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-25-2003 09:47 AM                        Rated R Nan in Warwick The Good, Bad, and Ugly 1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer. 3. Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door. Ugly: So are you. 4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: Your daughter is in them. 5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter took them. 6. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you. 7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections. 8. Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun. Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas. 9. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend. 10. Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients. Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2003 01:14 PM                        Rated G Michele Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down,my child," said the minister,"it's not half as bad as you think.Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna."But what am I going to do with the BODY?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2003 01:21 PM                        Rated G When my wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day, she yelled, "Watch yourself,mister,or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do!" "Wow," I thought,"I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2003 01:49 PM                        Rated G A chubby woman was at her Weight Watchers meeting. "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he'd rather have sex with a woman with a trim figure," she lamented to the woman next to her. "Well," the other woman replied,"what's wrong with that?" The first woman said,"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2003 03:56 PM                        Rated PG A couple were vacationing in Yosemite.The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel.The husband said that he'd like to camp and to calm her concerns,they'd talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be. The ranger told them, "Well,we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year,or black bears,for that matter." The wife shrieked,"There's TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?" The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy, see, if the bear chases you up the tree and it comes up after you,it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out,it's a grizzly." The motel room was quite nice.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-20-2003 08:54 AM                        Rated G A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello, How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And, my wife and I traveled all around the world... We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word ?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia." Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ... there'll be Hell to pay later.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-21-2003 09:27 AM                        Rated G Betty in Virginia How does a man know when his wife is losing interest? When her favorite sexual position is "next door".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-21-2003 09:51 AM                        Rated PG Lorraine A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!" "Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again,in a sexy little voice... "Oh really, I can't," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!" The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat,feels his face and replies, "Oh Michael,you shouldn't be here,my husband will be home soon!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-21-2003 12:07 PM                        Rated G His wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "I'm going to the doctor." "Why? Are you sick?" "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." His wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her coat. He asked, "Where are you going?" She replied, "I'm going to the doctor too." "Why?" "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 01:17 PM                        Rated PG Uncle Bubba A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon in Hawaii. They get a master suite in their hotel.The man's wife leaves,but the staff fails to notice.A few hours later,the man goes to the manager at the desk,and says,he is "checking out." The manager asks him where his wife is. The man tells the manager that she left him. The manager asks,"Why,didn't you have a good time last night?" The man replies,"No,I had the best night of my life last night." The manager asks, "Then why did she leave you?" The man replies, "It was with the maid."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 02:32 PM                        Rated G B.B. On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom,just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds,"Well,I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all.It teaches you loyalty,meekness,forbearance, self-restraint,forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2003 02:02 AM                        Rated G Michele Don's wife had recently died and she was being buried.Don was sobbing and was being consoled by his friends."Don't worry Don, in two or three months you may meet a beautiful lady who will make you happy." "I know, I know," says Don, "But what am I gonna do tonight?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 09:04 AM                        Rated G Newlywed Bride: "Will you love me when I'm old?" Newlywed Groom: "Love you? I shall idolize you. I shall worship the ground that you walk on. I shall -- errrr ---uhhhh ---- you're NOT going to look like your mother, are you?"  |  IP: Logged

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