my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Husbands & Wives (Page 48)

This topic comprises 94 pages: 1  2  3  ...  45  46  47  48  49  50  51  ...  92  93  94

Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bill Gabel Film God Posts: 3873 From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA Registered: Jan 2002 posted 08-13-2003 11:11 AM                     Bedroom Antics Mrs. Smith was in bed having wild passionate sex with Mr. Jones, when all of the sudden her husband came home. Surprised that he was home so early, she quickly told Mr. Jones to stand in the corner, then she covered him with cold cream and patted him down with some talc she had on her dresser. Mr. Smith walks in the bedroom and sees his wife laying naked in bed, appearing to be ready for a wild night of sex with her husband. After a long day at work, heis refreshed by this sight, so he disrobes and climbs on for a great ride. After they finish having sex, he asks her, "Dear, what is that in the corner?" "Well, "starts Mrs. Smith, "It's a statue! It's the latest fad and Mrs. Crump down the street has one just like it, so I wanted one too!" Mr. Smith seemed satisfied with the answer so he closes his eyes and goes to sleep. He awakens at midnight and goes to the kitchen where he prepares 2 sandwiches and bring them back to the bedroom. Upon entering the room, he walks over to the statue and hands one of the sandwiches to Mr. Jones. "Here buddy," says Mr. Smith, "I stood like an idiot at the Crumps the whole night and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-14-2003 03:43 PM                        Rated G A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-18-2003 11:54 AM                        Rated G My wife and I always kiss each other goodnight. It's like touching gloves before a boxing match... we just spend the night fighting over the covers!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-20-2003 09:28 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee My husband refuses to turn on the air conditioner unless it's really really hot. How hot, you ask? * You notice your car overheating before you drive it. * Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside. * Airplanes can't land because the asphalt is too soft. * You discover that it only takes two fingers to drive your car. * The swans in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra crispy". * Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one. * Your pool water starts to boil in the sun. * Pigs complain about sweating like fat humans. * A scalding hot shower still cools you down. * You've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man. * People walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames. * You need a spatula and shoe horn to remove your clothing.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-21-2003 08:11 AM                        Rated PG Mary Husband and Wife had a terrible fight on their 40th wedding anniversary. Husband yells,"When you die I'm going to put on your headstone, 'Here Lies My Wife~Cold As Ever'" "Oh yeah,"she replied,"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that says, 'Here Lies My Husband~Stiff At Last!'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2003 10:37 AM                        Rated G Jack was engaged to be married to Jill. The day before the wedding, his father sat him down for a little chat. "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here try these on. ' So she did and then told me, 'These are too big, I can't wear them. ' So I told her, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems." Jack thinks that might be a good thing to try out. So on his wedding night, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here, try these on." She does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me." Following the script, Jack then says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." In response, Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine." He does and says, "I can't get into your pants." She replies, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2003 03:35 PM                        Rated Dear Diary, I was reminded today just how awful my wife's cooking was whenwe were first married. Yes,it's cliche but it's true.It was so bad that I teased her relentlessly. Recently,after an exceptionallyexquisite meal,I put my fork down and asked her to what she attributed her acquired culinary mastery. She smiled a warm smile and looked at me as if I were an angel of light delivering divine revelation. "Well," she said as her voice took on an ethereal grace, "I believe it is a reflection of my heart.That the joy and love I feel are manifest in my cooking,in my gardening, in our children,in everything!I believe all things in life turn out well if they are done soulfully and honestly." "Damn, baby," I said, my head awhirl at the thoughts and sounds from the woman next to me. "I'm going to call that shrink of yours and tell him he has finally nailed the combination of Prozac,Lithium and Paxil."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2003 08:27 PM                        Rated G Hank in Simi These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon. While they were sitting on the bed making out,the female egg pushed the male egg away and said "I just have to go to the bathroom.I'll be back in a minute." and off she went. Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky egglige,wiping her hands up and down her smooth,ovally body. Instantly,the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely. The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing. He replied, "The last time I was this hard,someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2003 08:46 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Wife to husband"What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?" Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear." Wife to husband: "What? At 2 AM?!" Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-25-2003 08:48 AM                        Rated G Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would only look at it after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. Only then would he lend his expertise. The following night,after spending hours poring over stubs and figures,Cindy said proudly,"There! I've done it! I made it balance!" Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see...mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, 615.00. What the heck is that?" "Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-25-2003 09:50 AM                        Rated PG A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh," replies the husband, "She's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean,no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STSs in the garage,and no more country club,and we'll have to sell the 26 room house and move to two smaller homes,but the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. "Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. She replies, "Ours is prettier."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-25-2003 10:04 AM                        Rated G Hear about the big winner on Jeopardy!? He went home the next day, and his wife demanded, "Who were those women I saw you outwit last night?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-25-2003 10:25 AM                        Rated G Old Aunt Emma A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence of old aunt Emma. For seven long years she lived with them, always croctchety, always demanding. Finally the old lady died. On they way back from the cemetary, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don;t think I would have put up with having your aunt Emma in our house all those years." His wife looked at him agast, "My aunt Emma! she cried, I thought it was your aunt Emma!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-25-2003 10:39 AM                        Rated PG I once made love to my wife for over an hour. Of course, that was the day we turned the clocks ahead.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-26-2003 06:32 AM                        Rated G Michele Browsing through a magazine,John was caught by a story about chickens,which have yellow eyes,being fitted with red contact lenses,which "make them eat less,lay more,and stop henpecking." That's what it said. John turns to Jill and says, "You know,once word of this gets around,rose-colored glasses are going to be the hottest Christmas gift from husbands to wives."  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 94 pages: 1  2  3  ...  45  46  47  48  49  50  51  ...  92  93  94

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.