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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2003 12:43 PM                        Rated G Michele After eight days of backpacking with my wife Linda, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Terry," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2003 12:58 PM                        Rated G A husband takes his young daughter to the grocery store with him. In addition to the healthful items on his wife's carefully prepared shopping list,they return home with a box of sugar-laden cookies. "Why in the world did you buy these cookies?" his wife asks."You know they aren't good for you." "Don't worry, honey," he says. "This box has one-third fewer calories than usual." "Why is that?" his wife asks. "We ate a third of the cookies on the way home."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 10:07 AM                        Rated G Michele "You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor."Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was thereply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2003 06:48 AM                        Rated G Michele My ex-husband told me he felt old,fat,bald,useless,and stupid. I felt kind of bad for him so I said,"Don t be silly,you're not old."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2003 12:11 PM                        Rated G Michele A fella was saying to his friend,"My wife seems to have developed some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be stolen. When I came home early one day last week,I found she'd hired someone to *guard* them! In fact,she stationed the poor guy right inside the closet!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2003 03:49 PM                        Rated G Janine Herb: I have a complaint, dear. Blanche: What is it, darling? Herb: We've been married twenty-five years and you still correct me every time I open my mouth, dear. Blanche: Twenty-six years, darling  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2003 10:53 AM                        Rated G A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled,"What 20 Million American Women Want." He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages. His wife was a little pissed."Hey, asshole,what do you think you're doing?" He calmly replied,"I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2003 10:05 PM                        Rated G Michele While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a two piece or an all-in-one?" "Better get a two piece," he replied."You'd never get it all in one." [ 11-26-2003, 07:53 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2003 07:53 PM                        Rated G Sitting on my front porch one night, I waited for my wife to return from choir practice. When a car pulled up in front beyond the hedge and a driver got out, I called to my wife, "Hi, sweetie!" To my surprise, a male voice called back, "Hi", and the driver proceeded to walk across the street to a neighbor's home. About 45 minutes later, I again thought I heard my wife return. Not wanting to make the same mistake twice, I called out, "Is that you, honey?" "No," rang out the same male voice, "it's me -- sweetie!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2003 07:58 PM                        Rated PG Michele "Dad,I was away for a week.Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night,and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.Why,Dad?Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes,then coolly said,"Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2003 08:01 PM                        Rated G Michele A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter. As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife,"Why didn't you bring the piano, too?" "Are you trying to be funny?" she replied. "No," he sighed forlornly. "I left the tickets on it."  |  IP: Logged Nicholas Suchyta Film Handler Posts: 62 From: Washington, DC Registered: Nov 2003 posted 11-30-2003 05:28 PM                     WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)." HUSBAND: (makes audible groan). WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would she wear my jewelry?" HUSBAND: "Well, I suppose so." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: - - - silence - - - HUSBAND: "Shit..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2003 12:38 PM                        Rated G Caroline A husband and wife were fighting,both of them were really frustrated with each other. Then the husband tells his wife in anger " mind it dear, you're waking the animal in me." The wife in a very sarcastic manner says " well who gets scared of a mouse?? "  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2003 12:48 PM                        Rated G B.B. After I broke my ankle in a fall in our garage,I had to wear a cast from the knee down. Normally my husband and I are cozy sleepers, but the cast posed a problem. Several sleeplessnights later,my husband said to me in desperation,"I don't mind sleeping with the star of the show but I can't manage the whole cast."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2003 03:44 PM                        Rated G Michele "Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love,"Will you still make love like that to me after we're married ?" Frank considered this for a moment,and then replied, "I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women."  |  IP: Logged

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