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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-18-2003 01:31 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee On the eve of the couple's tenth wedding anniversary, the still slim wife was bragging about her figure. "You know honey," she said, "I can still get into the skirts I had before we were married." "Yeah ?" the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the ball game on TV. "I wish to hell I could."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-19-2003 07:29 AM                        Rated PG Michele Ways to Seduce Your Spouse After Fifty Years of Marriage Secretly replace his Centrum Silver with Viagra. Light a few candles and put on some romantic music - then dress up like "Matlock." Walk around the house in a T-shirt, black socks and no underpants.Hey, it worked for my old man. Sensuous Aspercreme rubdowns. Shout lewd suggestions into her hearing aid. Crank up the oxygen tent to "high" and hope you get lucky. Give her a sensual foot massage, and while you're down there, go ahead and rub her breasts as well. Tiger-striped Depends, baby!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2003 12:25 PM                        Rated G "I must insist on knowing one thing," said the groom as he lay beside his bride in the darkness of their honeymoon suite. "Am I the first man to sleep with you?" "You will be, darling," answered his bride, "if you doze off."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2003 12:38 PM                        Rated G : Lorraine After the wedding: Wife: You know, honey, I can't give up my maiden habits all at once. Husband: It isn't necessary! You can continue to take your father's money.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2003 03:18 PM                        Rated G When one of the two first-grade teachers at the posh suburb's new school left on her two-week honeymoon,the other volunteered to teach both classes in her absence. A few weeks later,at a housewarming party given by the newlyweds,the guests were somewhat taken aback as the groom introduced them to his wife's teaching colleague: "And this, ladies and gentlemen,"announced the grateful husband, "is the lovely lady who substituted for my wife during our honeymoon."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2003 03:21 PM                        Rated G Driving to a new restaurant,Jill took several wrong turns. When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?" "I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always know where you're going when I'm driving."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2003 06:41 AM                        Rated G Jeff has always been a bit on the forgetful side. His wife always had to tie little ribbons around his fingers to remind him of things that she wanted him to do that day. The guys at work were always teasing him about it, but Jeff always took the teasing in stride. One day Jeff had to have a lesion removed from above his ear and he went to the surgeon early in the morning to have the procedure done before work. When the procedure was finished, the doctor bandaged his head with thick white gauze. He then proceeded on to go to work. When he arrived at his office, hisco-workers stared at him in awe, and one guy blurted out, "Gee Jeff, whatever your wife wants you to remember today, it must be REALLY important."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2003 07:20 AM                        Rated G "Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?" "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what will you live on?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2003 09:38 AM                        Rated G A man wakes up screaming one day, picks up the phone and calls his wife who knew he was constipated the day before. When she picks up the phone he gripes,"That god damn laxative said guaranteed to work by 8 a.m.!" His wife asks, "Well did it work?" "Yes!" he screams. "But I didn't wake up until 10 a.m.!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2003 10:12 AM                        Rated G If your wife parks the car,don't sit there and insist she do it properly. Walking the rest of the way to the curb is good exercise.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2003 12:40 PM                        Rated G Michele "Nice threads, man. Where'd you pick 'em up?" "My old lady got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?" "I'll say. What was the occasion?" "Got me. I came home from work early the other day and there they were,hanging over the chair in the bedroom."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-26-2003 06:40 AM                        Rated G Fellow in Las vegas was winning big at the roulette table. He told his wife,"Tonite,you sleep with a rich man." Before long though,he had lost everything. As they left the casino, his wife said,"Am I to go to this rich guy's room,or is he coming to ours?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-26-2003 06:49 AM                        Rated G I was showing my wife the high number of hits on my Web page and some of the "fan" letters I'd received containing compliments. She took it all in and then said, "Just remember -- the very same people who praised Jesus also crucified Him."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-26-2003 07:00 AM                        Rated G Doug and Tammy decided to take a vacation and travel across the country and visit little known rural areas, staying in off the beaten track motels. They stopped their first night at a motel that must have been at least 100 years old, and one that hadn't had any renovations done since day one. They were preparing themselves for bed and Doug decided to have one last cigarette before getting in to bed, so he left the room to go outside and have his smoke. When Doug returned to the room, he actually started feeling quite romantic, so he carefully opened the door and said, "Honey? Honey?. There was no response. He tried again, "Honey? Hey, honey!" a bit louder this time. Still no reply. Finally a male voice from the blackness in front of him said, "This ain't no beehive you damn fool, this here's the bathroom."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-26-2003 12:13 PM                        Rated G AN INSPIRATIONAL STORY Soup for the Deviant Soul I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for three years, and we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my fiancée? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. My mother-in-law to be was a smart, confident career woman, but most of all she was unbelievably sexy. She often openly flirted with me, which piqued my curiosity and made me quite uncomfortable at the same time. One day she called me and asked me to come over to review the wedding invitations. When I got there, I realized she was alone. As we looked at the invitations, she whispered in my ear:"Soon you will be married, but you must know that I have feelings for you that I can no longer ignore. Before you commit your life to my daughter, please make love to me just once". I was in total shock .... what could I say? As I sat there dumbfounded she said: "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you share my yearnings, just come up and take me." Still dazed, I watched her magnificent form as she wisped up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do, and then turned around and went to the front door. Slowly, I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Amazingly, her husband was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said: "We are so happy. You have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." I will never forget the day I earned the trust of my in-laws, nor the valuable life lesson I learned on the front steps of my wife's childhood home............... Always, always, always, keep your condoms in your car.  |  IP: Logged

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