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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-03-2003 04:04 PM                        Rated G Mike in New York I love being married - I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-03-2003 04:06 PM                        Rated PG Fred in Jersey A woman is checking out at the grocery store and one cashier is telling another,"He's the biggest sexist I've ever met;his ego knows no bounds and he tells the most God-awful jokes.But I can't help myself married or not,I love him." When she goes home she asks her husband, "George, are you having an affair with one of the cashiers at the grocery?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-03-2003 04:13 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee [/b] While attending a marriage seminar on communication,David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife'sfavorite flower?" David leaned over,touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2003 07:51 PM                        [b]Rated X A man enters his apartment to find his wife making passionate love on the couch with another man, and starts yelling at her. "Oh great!" said the woman."Big mouth's home, now the whole building will know."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-05-2003 08:24 AM                        Rated G Molly was hanging up her husband's jacket when suddenly she became furious. Molly had spotted a long grey hair on the shoulder. "I see," she screeched like a hawk on the coup-de-grace, "you were at your mother's to get sympathy again!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-05-2003 08:48 AM                        Rated G My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments.After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one- stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp.I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers,twanged a few notes on it. After watching from a distance, my wife approached and whispered in my ear,I hate to tell you this,dear,"but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-06-2003 09:53 AM                        Rated R Denny in Yonkers It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo. She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-06-2003 02:47 PM                        Rated G My wife doesn't complain often,but once she was having a old fashioned "heart-to-heart" with me and said,"Hon,you never listen to me.Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far- away look in your eyes after only a few seconds.Please promise me you'll try to work on that." The last thing I remember was replying,"I'm sorry, what was that you were saying?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-06-2003 02:52 PM                        Rated G Mort Sahl sympathized with football widows. When one woman asked him how she could get her husband's attention away from the TV set, he said, "Wear something sheer." "What if that doesn't work?" she asked. "Then put a number on your back." Sahl replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-07-2003 07:30 AM                        Rated G "I was relaxing in my favorite chair on Sunday," said Doug to Bill, "reading the newspaper, watching a ball game on TV and listening to another on the radio, drinking a beer, eating a snack, and scratching the dog with my foot ------and my wife has the nerve toaccuse me of just sitting there doing nothing !"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-07-2003 09:14 PM                        Rated G I do a lot of teasing about my wife's cooking, but actually she's a very good chef.Once when my son and his wife were over for chinese, he asked why we never went all the way and used chopsticks. The last thing I remember saying was,"Well, the one time we tried that,your Mother sat there and knitted a meal."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-08-2003 09:12 PM                        Rated G I do a lot of teasing about my wife's cooking, but actually she's a very good chef.Once when my son and his wife were over for chinese,he asked why we never went all the way and used chopsticks. The last thing I remember saying was,"Well,the one time we tried that,your Mother sat there and knitted a meal."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-08-2003 09:44 PM                        Rated G Two men were talking and one said to the other, How are you and your wife getting along these days? the first man replies, oh, she left me because of illness. The second man said, what do you mean because of illness? Yeah,replied the first man,she was sick of me.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-10-2003 03:40 PM                        Rated G Alex An old man and his wife go camping for the first time...there they are, sitting by the cracking fire, and the woman says to her husband, "I think I shall go take off my bra since no one is around." The husband says, "Why sure honey, go right ahead." So the old woman disappears into the tent, returning afew moments later she poses in front of the fire..."How do I look?" "Wonderful!" says he... "took all the wrinkles out of your face!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-10-2003 04:15 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on. Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. Few women admit their age.Few men act theirs. A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.  |  IP: Logged

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