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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2003 05:06 PM                        Rated G Amish Wedding Nite An Amish couple had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon. The Amish man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said this occasion was very special to them and they needed a good room. The clerk winked and asked "Do you want the Bridal? The Amish fellow thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess not, I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2003 08:05 AM                        Rated PG The Lottery Ticket The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash. When her husband asks, "Where did that come from?" She replies, "I won it in a lottery!" To which he replies, "That's great! Let's go celebrate." The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat. Again the husband asks, "Where did that come from?" She says, "I couldn't believe it! Another lottery ticket came through for me!!" The next day she comes in, looking tired, wearing a two-carat diamond ring. The husband says, "I know. You won the lottery, right?" She replies, "Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Honey, would you draw me a bath? Please?" "Sure," he answers. So, the guy goes in and starts drawing the bath water for his wife. After he gets a quarter inch of water in the bottom of the tub, he turns off the water. "Your tub is ready." He calls to his wife. She starts to get in the tub and looks at him, dismayed, and asks, "Why is there only a quarter inch of water in here?" To which he loudly replies, "I wouldn't want you to get your lottery ticket wet!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2003 03:49 PM                        Rated G GOOD QUESTION David's wife is mad at him, because he forgot her birthday. Quick-witted, David says, "Sweetheart, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 06:42 AM                        Rated G My wife and I met while we were serving in the Peace Corps.By the time we left the service,we wereexpecting our first child. Strangely,pregnancy andchildbirth are covered under "workman's comp." Filling out the forms proved to be a challenge with questions like "Describe in detail how and where this accident occurred," "What could have been done to prevent this accident?" and our favorite:"What will you do in the future to prevent this accident from happening again?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 07:06 AM                        Rated G The perky bride returned home with an ultra-Mod,clear-plastic Minidress and held it up for her stodgy husband's approval. "Why, you can see right through it," the astonished husband gasped. "No you can't, silly," she answered. "Not when I'm in it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 08:16 AM                        Rated G Jill had just bought one of those name-brand grills that reduced the fat during cooking. She came home with the grill and two steaks to try it. The first steak came out quite overdone, but the second was perfect. Jill sat down with her glass of iced tea, a salad, a baked potato, and her perfect steak and had a nice dinner. Just as she was finishing her meal, John came in from work. "Steak?" he asked. "You made us steak?" "Certainly," Jill replied. "Yours is warming in the oven."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 02:50 PM                        Rated G Lorraine An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at the woman and says, " Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..." And the woman replied, "Yes, go on tell me." So the husband told her. "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married." So the wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare." The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 03:40 PM                        Rated G Lorraine An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: £500." He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Green Fees: £200."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-04-2003 11:53 AM                        Rated G Michele "What do you love most about me," a husband asked his wife, "my tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?" "What I love most about you," responded the man's wife, "is your enormous sense of humor."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2003 03:41 PM                        Rated G Morris telephoned his wife Sadie. "Sadie, darling,I've got some good news. You know that Broadway musical you've been dying to see?" "Yes." "Well, I've just bought us two tickets to see it." "Oh Morris, that's wonderful. I'll start dressing immediately." "Sadie, that's just what I wanted to hear you say. The tickets are for tomorrow night's performance."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2003 07:18 PM                        Rated G After the lavish wedding reception, Heather and Brett retired to their Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some romantic CDs to put on the in-room stereo. He then excused himself for a bit and returned wearing just a robe. He carried a bottle of Dom Perignon. He opened the champagne and poured himself and Heather a drink. She giggled at the way the bubbles popped out of the glass. They drank their champagne, kissed, rubbed each other, and kissed some more. Finally, Brett took the girl of his dreams by her hand, stood up, and tenderly began to lead her towards the bedroom. When Heather stopped after a couple of steps, Brett gently asked, "What's wrong my love?" "I'll be damned," she muttered. "Every stinking time I go out with a guy it ALWAYS ends up the same way!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2003 07:38 AM                        Rated PG A man and women get married and on the wedding night the man says to the wife "Why don't we do something special to record if anything occurs or if we stray" And he brings in two mason jars he explains "If we ever stray we put one kernel of corn in the jar" At there 25th anniversary, the husband suggests they bring out there jars each has one kernel in it. He says "Don't worry I will go first" " Remember a few years ago I went to the city with a load of cattle and there was that big storm and I was stranded".Well I ended up in this bar and was talking to this women and drinking and one thing led to another. But don't worry it was just once and meant nothing....." The wife draws her breath but before she can speak the husband interjects "Don't worry I see we are even so I need no details all is forgiven" To which the wife repines "Once hell, I sold when corn was $5.00 a bushel and paid off the ranch ..........  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2003 03:50 PM                        Rated X If You Could! "If you could cook," said the husband, "we could fire the chef." "If you could screw," replied the wife, "we could fire the driver."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2003 06:22 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A husband is someone who after taking the trash out,gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2003 06:25 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"  |  IP: Logged

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