A man is getting his annual physical when the
doctor notices several dark, ugly bruises on the man's
shins.

"Do you play hockey, soccer or another physical sport?"
the doctor asks.

On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. "The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver.

A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted
by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

My wife and I are both in an Internet business, but she's the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers.I

finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching her back one day.

The definition of irreconcilable differences?

Bernie was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Bernie boy decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answered and Bernie said, "May I speak with the Vice President of peas, please?"

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze waftedthrough the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband...much happier ! "

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," John complained. "I've tried everything, but I just toss and turn."

"You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part of your body to sleep separately."

That night John crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to talk to his body. "Toes, go to sleep," he whispered. "Feet, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep. Hips, go to sleep. Stomach, go to sleep"

Just then his wife Jill walked in wearing a transparent teddy.

A couple, who had been married for 40 years, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that, because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.

Being the faithful, loving spouse, naturally the wife wanted to take a romantic vacation with her husband, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her wand and . . . boom! The wife had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy godmother assured him he could have any wish he wanted. All he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire.

He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy godmother picked up her wand and . . . boom! . . . he was 90

There was an old man shopping for a gift for him andhis wife's 60th wedding anniversary. He went to a lingerieshop and told the saleswoman, "I want the most
expensive, most see-through nightie you have".

The saleswoman wrapped up a completely see-through nightie that cost $500. The man gave the woman the money and left the store very excited.

When he got home he gave his wife the box and she opened it. She thought "I'm too old for this, what the heck am I going to do with it"?

The old man said "why don't ya go upstairs and try it on for me".

The woman took the nighie upstairs and had an idea. She thought she would take the nightgown back and get the money, and go downstairs naked, pretending she had it on. "He can't see anyway; he'll never notice."

She went downstairs completely naked and said "well, what do you think"?

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up.

When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"

"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."

"Whatever for?" asks his wife.

"He said he had slept with every woman in the apartment complex except one!"

"Hmmmmm", relies his wife. "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor."

Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized,they made up.

However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done.

"Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

In a village in South Africa there was a young man who was what some people call a Cassanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked them all, fat ones, short ones, skinny ones, didn't matter.

The trouble was that he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for marriage. This innocent virgin, her name was Mary, did not know anything about sex. Of course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way.

Well, finally they were married and on the wedding night Mary was very impressed with sex. She told her new husband that she did not know a man was built that way.What a wonderful thing men had to please women.

Our Tiger did not want her to think that all men were the same, so he told her, "I tell you something, Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing." She believed him.

The "Tiger" of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks when he came back and began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasn't there. He then went down through the village looking for her.

"Mary, Mary, where are you?"

Finally, he meets up with her on the street. Mary appears to be very angry and frustrated.

"You son-of-a-bitch, you bastard, you good for nothing!!" and begins to hit and fight with him.

"Hey whoa, what's the matter baby, what did I do? I didn't do nothing. Why are you mad at me?" our Tiger asks.

Mary says, "Yeah, you asshole, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the street? Well, he has one also" and she points to his genitals.

Our hero thinks about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak. "Hey Honey, I tell you something, you know what? Sancho, he is my best friend. I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him one."

Our Tiger is all smiles and goes over to hug Mary.