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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-28-2006 12:46 PM                        Rated G While dieting I begged my husband to keep me away from a particular restaurant that served the best fish-and-chips. Strangely, that was the food I craved most. After one particularly torturous week of dieting, I got into bed for the night and snuggled next to my husband. Needing encouragement, I said, "Now's a good time to say those three little words that mean so much." "Fish-and-chips?" he guessed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-28-2006 08:26 PM                        Rated G B.B. A couple's having dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the guy slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice. The waitress comes over and says, "Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman says, "No he didn't, he just walked in the door."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-01-2006 03:01 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers "The Cremated Husband" Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in,she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes,she started talking to him. "Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" Again,she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too,with the insurance money! Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes,she said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? ..... Here it comes!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-01-2006 03:06 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-01-2006 03:08 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-02-2006 11:23 AM                        Rated G Lorraine My husband and I were at a party with my boss and his wife, and we left at the same time as they did. As we got into our car, we saw my boss run back into the house. "I wonder what he forgot?" I said. A minute later we watched as he got back in the car. As they drove by us, his wife stopped the car and rolled down her window. "Ted had two different shoes on," she explained. "And neither one was his."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-03-2006 08:22 AM                        Rated G A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?" The husband laughs and says, "An English girl!" The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?" "Which present?" "What I asked for....the English girl? "Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait about nine months to see if it is a girl!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-03-2006 01:54 PM                        Rated XXX Hank in Simi Valley Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been? Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" " Had 'em put a hundred dollar bill on the old frankfurter ," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain."Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his Dick ?" "Well, One, I like to watch my money grow. Two,once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.Four, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." Larry is recovering nicely at the hospital.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-03-2006 01:58 PM                        Rated PG Hank in Simi Valley My wife left me. I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker,maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up, but the other day, when she came home from shopping and I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in make-up, I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that make-up so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" I don't think she'll be back....  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-03-2006 08:47 PM                        Rated R "Dave" Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin' ?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks him if he would like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them. A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2006 10:03 AM                        Rated XXX Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their Seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins. Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it. Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition. In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button: gravity having taken it's course over some sixty years. He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more. Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester I have acute angina." Chester says, "I sure hope so. Cuz you've sure got ugly tits."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-06-2006 07:46 AM                        Rated G Wife: I dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear? Husband: Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.00  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-07-2006 08:13 AM                        Rated G Lorraine In anticipation of winter's arrival, my husband, George, took our snowblower out to make any necessary repairs. When it wouldn't start, he enlisted a neighbor's help to load it onto the truck to take it to the repair shop. Somehow, things went wrong and he ended up headfirst on top of the machine, with a badly gashed forehead. At the hospital George needed 12 stitches to close the wound. Undaunted, back home he and Bruce once again attempted to load the snowblower onto the truck. This time they were successful. Later, while they waited to be served at the shop, George noticed a sign that added insult to injury: free pickup and delivery.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-07-2006 08:18 AM                        Rated G Lorraine As the owner of a clunker, I was used to dealing with a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket, just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed a stream of fluid pouring out of the back of the car. I knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of action. When I arrived I asked my husband to take a look at the problem. Expecting the worst, I braced myself for his diagnosis. When he came back in, he was smiling. "It’s apple juice," he said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-07-2006 08:20 AM                        Rated G Lorraine My husband's family owned and operated a bakery. Shortly after we were married, my sister-in-law, Monica, came for a visit. She was planning on staying for a week. One day while we were chatting, I asked, "Monica, do you think you could make us one of your scrumptious strawberry pies?" "No, I couldn't," she said. Seeing the hurt look on my face, she continued, "I could make you 50, but not one!"  |  IP: Logged

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