A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual, saying, "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."

"Why would I come in second?" her husband asked.

Six Again

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms --"Honey," "My Love," "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

This nice couple were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary.

The lady told her husband that he had been a great partner and she would like to do something special for him to show her appreciation.

He replied that he had never had a blow-job and wondered if she would do this for him.

She refused saying that she was afraid she would lose his respect.

Years went by and on their 50th anniversary she again refused him because she was afraid she would lose his respect.

On their 75th anniversary, she again told her husband that he had been such a terrific partner for 75 years that she wanted to do something special for him.

Again, he told her he still would really like to experience a blow-job.

Well, she thought, all these wonderful years he has given me, maybe just this once.

While she was giving him a blow-job the telephone rang and he answered it.He handed her the phone and said:

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed, and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.

Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder andsaid, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, Ionly have four hours left! Could we...?"

"When I got to work this morning, I found a pencil tied to my willy."

We want to discuss mankind's relationship to God."

"I'm married; I learned long ago that my opinions don't matter."

"But, when you die, will you go to heaven or to hell?"

On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room.

After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A couple were having their evening meal in a nice restaurant when they overheard the gentleman at the next table say, "Crisco, please pass the salt."

A few minutes later the same gentleman was heard to say, "Crisco, please pass the butter."

A few minutes later, the gentleman said, "Excuse me Crisco, I must visit the rest room."

After the gentleman left, the diner who overheard all this leaned over and said to
the lady at the next table, "Pardon me, but I couldn't help overhear your husband calling you Crisco, is that your real name?"

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we weresitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say........Should we get naked?"

And they stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago!"

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam alwayswanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look.Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time,
"Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different?

It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."