Pull it out!!!

I am sure you can imagine,
it's as simple as can be.
A place like Piccadilly,
the players he and she.

She whispers, "Will it hurt me?"
"Of course not," answers he.
"It's a very simple process,
you can rely on me."

She says "I'm rather frightened,
I've not done it before.
But still I think I'll like it,
when it's over not before.

He started to convince her,
it would not hurt a bit.
So finally she consented,
and so he started it.

It was ten minutes later,
neither spoke a word.
It was she who broke the silence,
her voice was rather slurred.

"It's getting rather painful,"
the tears were in her eyes.
"It's loosened quite a bit,
it must be quite a size."

"Now calm yourself my dear,"
his face betrayed a grin.
"Just a little wider,
so I can get it in."

"It's coming" he told her,
"I know" she said in bliss.
He said "You'll feel more comfortable,
when I've finished this."

Suddenly at that moment,
she gave a frightful shout.
"It's all over now" she murmured,
"Thank God you've pulled it out!"

Already the Mother of two rambunctious boys, the husband was thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to have twins this time.

He told his wife that she should start thinking of names.

A bashful young newlywed man went shopping for a bra for his wife.

He entered the lingerie shop and waited till it was empty of customers.

Then he scurried over and asked for a bra.

"What size," asked the salesgirl.

"I don't know, "replied the husband.

"Well, are they like grapefruits?"

"No!"

"Like oranges?"

"No!"

"Are they like eggs?"

Rated R

Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy new panties.

The saleslady talked her into buying a real nice bright red crotchless pair.

Grandma put them on and waited for grandpa to come home.

When grandpa came home, grandma was all laid out upon the bed and pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on. She said, "Come on grandpa, you want some of this?"

This newly wed couple went on their honeymoon.

When they got to the hotel, the man began to undress.

When he took his pants off, his knees were all knotty and twisted.

His wife exclaimed "Oh, goodness, what happened to your knees?"

He explained to her that his mother said he had a bad case of kneesles when he was a child.

She said, "Don't you mean measles?"

He said he was sure it was kneesles.

Next, he took off his socks and his toes were crooked and turned and she asked what had happened to his toes.

He again explained that his mother said he had a severe case of toelio as a child.

She said he must mean polio and he said, no that it was definitely toelio.

Fred and Betty are happily wedded.

Fred likes to call his wife Big Bertha.

Betty then decides to get a tatto on her ass saying Big Bertha.

She goes to the parlor and is told the cost will be $100 for every letter. She decides that she'll just get the initials on her ass instead, a B on each butt cheek.

Two deaf people get married. During the first week, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

''Honey'', she sighs, ''Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time''.

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, ''You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.''

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, ''I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.''

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, ''How could sandals make you into a sex freak?''

The Pakistani man replied, ''Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?''

After much badgering from his wife, the husband finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years, her husband was full of raw sexual power.

The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.

He asked how often you should have it.

His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time ... and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year... maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, 'Well how about you and Grandma now?'

His grandfather replied, 'Oh, we just have oral sex now.' 'What's oral sex?' the young fellow asked.

Junior was one of those holy terrors and her husband was surprised when his wife suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.

"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" he said.

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sliding down the bannister.

''What are you doing?'' he asked.

Magic Mirror

A woman walked into an antique store that was down the street from her home.

As she wondered around the store the clerk asked her what she was interested in.

She said she was interested in buying a mirror.

He showed her a couple mirrors then told her he had a special, magic mirror in the back.

She laughed, and said yeah, right!

He showed her to the mirror and told her: All you have to say is"Mirror Mirror on the door" then ask for anything. She gave it a try.Mirror Mirror on the door---Make my breast a 44"

KABOOM"

She had some huge breast she ran down the street to her house to show her husband.

He saw her and said "damn, what the hell happened"? she told him of the magic mirror on the corner.

He raced out the door headed to the antique shop. As he arrived he told the clerk he wanted to try the magic mirror. The clerk took him out back where the mirror was and told him what to say. The man looked at the mirror and said Mirror Mirror on the door--make my dick touch the floor.

"KABOOM"

Bring Your Daughter to Work Day

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work.

The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

Husbands' Performance

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers.

The first woman says ''My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.''

The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''

A man who recently found out his wife was pregnant enetered a sex shop.

Man: Can I have a maternity bra for my wife?

Attendent: What bust?