Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up.

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. 

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly, "Alright!... After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Rated G

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. 

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. 

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost, it's half past three.

I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. 

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again?

What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk." says the husband. 

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:

"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts:

A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her mirror admiring her clothing.

"Look, dear," she said to her husband, "I can still get into the same skirts I had before I got married."

A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.

"Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" 

Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy new panties.

The saleslady talked her into buying a real nice bright red crotchless pair.

Grandma put them on and waited for grandpa to come home.

When grandpa came home, grandma was all laid out upon the bed and pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on.

She said, "Come on grandpa, you want some of this?"

How is a hurricane like a marriage?

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given anactivity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give himan idea of what it feels like to be pregnant.

The husband stoodup and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad.

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

John and Mary has been high school sweethearts, but they never had sex.

"We'll have to wait until we're married," she tells him.

So he waits.

They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around.

On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom and says, "I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our first time to be all bloody!

"John says, "You're kidding, right?!"

Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer.

"Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink of water.

On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake and staring at the ceiling.

"There's no use John," she said. "You might as well go to sleep."

With all the scientific breakthroughs a doctor invented a device that if worn by the woman at the time of giving birth makes the father feel exactly what she is feeling and actually that feeling can be magnified.

When a woman goes into labor her husband decides that he can take it so he has the device turned on to 85% of what she is feeling.

After five minutes of his wife screamng in terrible pain the husband hasn't even flinched. So they turn it up to 100%... Still nothing they turn it up to 200% 250% and still nothing.

After the delivery the wife was impressed with the way her husband handled all the pain.

Three guys working on a high rise building project, Scott, Bill & Charlie.

Scott falls off from the 18th floor and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bill says,"Someone needs to go and tell his wife." Charlie says, "OK bro, I'm pretty good at that sensitive shit,I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Bill says, "Hey Charlie, where did you get the six?"

"Scott's wife gave it to me, Bill."

"That's unbelievable, you told the old lady her husband was dead and she gave you some fucking beer."

Joe walked in his house one day after work and announced his arrival to his wife.

"I'm upstairs taking a douche," his wife called out.

"I told you never to talk like that," Joe said.

There are three survivors from a shipwreck stranded on a deserted island.

They've been on the island for months now.

Two of them are married, Billy is the third and he's sick and tired of seeing those two making love all over the place.

What bugs Billy even more is that the wifey wants him too, but her husband won't let her.

So one day, while Billy is sitting on top of his favorite palm tree, at least 100 feet off the sand, he notices the couple sitting down and talking.

He screams down to them, "Hey you two, stop making love!"

He climbs down the tree and storms off into the forest, muttering to himself about having to watch them make love all the time.

The couple shrug their shoulders and continue with their conversation.

The next day, Billy is on top of his tree again and notices them sitting down talking again.

He screams down, "Dammit! Will you stop making love down there?!"

The husband yells back up to him, "Are you going blind? We're just talking!"

Billy climbs down the tree and apologizes, saying, "Maybe I am going blind."

Now the husband is curious and wants to see for himself so he climbs the tree.

While he's up there Billy and the wifey get a quickie in.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze."

"So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin.

"Gold of course," says the proud man.

One night a married lady is having passionate sex with another man at home, while her husband is out drinking with friends. In the middle of the act, they hear the front door, "I think your husbands home!" "Oh don't worry, he probably is gonna be too
drunk to tell that anyone is in the bed." she replies.

The husband walks into the room and gets in bed. After a while the husband says, "Honey, why are there six feet in the bed?" His wife replies, "No there aren't!" "Yes there are!"

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago.

On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register for the convention - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed ... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look, ... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"