Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat.

They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "OOh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs.

We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman.

The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one.

We'll just wait." About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description.She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.

"The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.

Before sex, what does a woman do with her asshole?

She drops him off at the golf course.

******

A husband and wife were playing golf together when the man's wife was severely stung by a bee.

The husband ran quickly back to the clubhouse, looking for a doctor.

"Come quickly!" he said. "my wife's been stung by a bee."

"Where was she stung?" asked the doctor.

"Between the first and second holes." shouted the husband.

A couple were sitting in the living room watching TV.

The telephone rang, so the husband answered it.

He listened for a moment, and then said, in a sarcastic voice, "I have no idea. Why don't you call the coast guard?" and hung up.

"What was that all about?" asked his wife.

A man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.

The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''

Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample." T

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a terrible way. The streets were rightfully deserted and the local bakerwas just about to close up the shop when a man slipped through the door.

He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing and ghastly cold.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two jelly doughnuts to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two doughnuts? That's it?"

"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Sherry."

"Sherry is your wife?" asked the baker.

A list of differences 
 
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."'
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over whom gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - When ... uh ... what's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
LUST- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
MARRIAGE- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement

Just after I got married I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight....promise!

The evening went well, the jokes were being told and the grog was going down easy and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot I went home.

Just as I got in the door the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly I realised that she'd probably wake up so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness even when pissed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why she said: " Well, at 3 a.m. this morning it cuckooed 3 times, paused, said 'f**k it', cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, paused, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled for over three minutes.

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

What you have to do is, each morning, fix him a nice breakfast, and be pleasant. Make him a nice lunch to take to 'work, and for dinner, make meals for him you know he'll enjoy. Don't give him too much to do around the house, especially after he's had a hard day. And don't burden him with too many of your problems, because that'll only increase his stress. And most importantly, make love to him a couple of times a week, and try to give him oral sex once a month or so. If you can do this 'for the next ten months, I think your husband could regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband says, "What did the doctor say?"

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."

The American agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

Wife to husband: 

"What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"

Husband to wife: 

"Golfing with friends, my dear."

Wife to husband: 

"What? At 2 a.m?!"

Husband to wife:

SON-IN-LAW OF THE YEAR

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?

I'm sure she would like something electric."

The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

Difference Between Men and Women

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.