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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Don't Know Where to Put It. Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 05:51 PM                        Rated G You are indubitably aware that Saddam Hussein has a son named Uday Hussein who is his designated successor. So if we do succeed in removing Saddam from power, Uday will become the new dictator of Iraq. Then Celine Dion will sing a song about it, titled "An Uday Has Come."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 06:12 PM                        Rated G ................. Baby Blues ~~~ The Kiss ~~~ It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage (which,for some reason,had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes),he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe,but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 06:22 PM                        Rated G My Middle sister,a friend and I were having a conversation about Taxes, IRS, Etc... My friend said "I can't seem to get ahead. Uncle Sam gets most of my money. My sister looked puzzled and turned to him and said" that's mean, who is your uncle Sam?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 06:45 PM                        Rated G ........ WARNING...WARNING...WARNING...WARNING City Streets are not safe to walk on. Cars are being stolen at a rapid clip. Homes are being burglarized. The air around us in poisoned. But thanks to advertising, our underarms are fully protected.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2002 11:40 AM                        Rated G Terrorists--- Most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some as long as 10-15 years. Now compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you... Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2002 12:04 PM                        Rated G As you sit there today pondering Christmas and perhaps thinking of the bills, look at it this way -- think of all the garage sales you helped provide merchandise for.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2002 12:44 PM                        Rated R Things That Sound Dirty At Christmas, But Aren't... Did you get any under the tree? I think your balls are hanging too low. Check out Rudolph's Honker! Santa's sack is really bulging. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake? I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real. Can I interest you in some dark meat? To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2002 12:52 PM                        Three rich guys were telling each other what kind of antique auto they were going to give their girl friends for Christmas. Rated G One guy said,"I'm going to give my girl a Kaiser and surprise her." The next one said,"I'm going to give my girl a Frazier and amaze her." The third guy said, \"I'm going to give mine a Tucker..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2002 12:58 PM                        Rated PG Toys You Won't see This Christmas ~ Drill 'Em 'N Fill 'Em" Home Dentistry Kit ~ Boobs in a Bottle" Breast Enlargement Formula ~ "Jump-Start" Home Defibrilator: Save someone from a heart attack without the hassle of rushing them to a hospital! ~ "Golden Shower" Beer: The only alcoholic beverage made from 100% recycled beer. ~ "Time Life Books Presents Home Surgery" ~ "'Stripper Fun' Barbie" ~ The Book of Mormon, Episode II ~ "No Thanks" Trapdoor for Solicitors: Installed with iron spikes, crocodiles cost extra ~ "Balz-Off" Testosterone Repressor ~ Keychain Belly Rings: Hang your keys on your belly button! ~ "'Gynecologist' Ken": Comes with "'Sexy Patient' Barbie"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-26-2002 09:17 AM                        Rated G Sausages There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.One day,she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.She didn't know how to put forward her request,and in desperation,lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.The butcher got the message and the lady went home with chicken legs. The next day,she needed to get chicken breasts.Again she didn't know how say it,and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.The lady got what she wanted. The 3rd day,the poor lady needed to buy sausages.Unable to find a way to communicate this,she brought her husband to the store... (Please scroll the page down . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!!!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-26-2002 09:50 AM                        Rated G While Nostradamus was alive, he was in great demand by the various churches and temples in the area. Since this got to be a strain running from place to place, the religious groups got together and hammered out a schedule where they would each get Nostradamus' services for one or two days a month on a rotating basis. It was the world's first prophet-sharing plan.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-26-2002 09:14 PM                        Rated PG The German government has ruined a man's life because havingthe same name as a man who died in the Concorde disaster,they have officially listed him as being dead. So they, among other things, · Seized his savings, · Froze his bank account, · Cancelled his driving license. And because he couldn't pay is ex-wife her maintenance payment she has taken him to court. So,can't he just go to court to get the issue resolved by proving he's alive? Nope,he tried this.Court officials have refused to proceed because you guessed it ... he's officially dead! But there is some promise.He started getting his mail delivered again.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-26-2002 09:16 PM                        Rated PG A row of bottles on my shelf Caused me to analyze myself. One yellow pill I have to pop Goes to my heart so it won't stop. A little white one that I take Goes to my hands so they won't shake. The blue ones that I use a lot Tell me I'm happy when I'm not. The purple pill goes to my brain And tells me that I have no pain. The capsules tell me not to wheeze Or cough or choke or even sneeze. The red ones, smallest of them all Go to my blood so I won't fall. The orange ones, so big and bright, Stop my leg cramps in the night. Such an array of brilliant pills Helping to cure all kinds of ills. But what I'd really like to know... Is what tells each one where to go.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-26-2002 09:20 PM                        Rated G Glossary by Design What the Engineer says (What it really means) A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still grasping at straws.) We're working on a fresh approach to the problem. (We just hired three kids fresh out of college.) Close project coordination. (We know who to blame.) Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured. (It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.) Prelimary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we three the switch.) Test results were extremely gratifying. (We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.) The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only person who understood the thing quit.) It is in process. (It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.) We'll look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems for now.) Please read and initial. (Let's spread responsibility for the mistake.) Give us the benefit of your thoughts. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.) Give us your interpretation. (I can't wait to hear this.) See me, or let's discuss. (Come into my office, I'm lonely.) All new! (Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.) Rugged. (To heavy to lift.) Lightweight. (Lighter than rugged.) Years of development. (One finally worked.) Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.) Low maintenance. (Impossible to fix if broken.)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-26-2002 09:23 PM                        Rated PG A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."  |  IP: Logged

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