Topic Closed

my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Don't Know Where to Put It. (Page 97)

This topic comprises 101 pages: 1  2  3  ...  94  95  96  97  98  99  100  101

Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Don't Know Where to Put It. Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2002 08:17 AM                        Rated G OK, all you dieters out there! You CAN burn calories doing your everyday activities!! Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. Listed below are exercises and the calories they burn per hour: Beating around the bush.................75 Jumping to conclusions.................100 Climbing the walls.....................150 Swallowing your pride...................50 Passing the buck........................25 Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight)..........50-300 Dragging your heels....................100 Pushing your luck......................250 Making mountains out of molehills......500 Hitting the nail on the head............50 Wading through paperwork...............300 Bending over backwards..................75 Jumping on the bandwagon...............200 Balancing the books.....................25 Running around in circles..............350 Eating crow............................225 Tooting your own horn...................25 Climbing the ladder of success.........750 Pulling out the stops...................75 Adding fuel to the fire................160 Wrapping it up at the day's end.........12 To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: Opening a can of worms .................50 Putting your foot in your mouth........300 Starting the ball rolling...............90 Going over the edge.....................25 Picking up the pieces after............350  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2002 08:30 AM                        Rated G A SURVIVAL KIT FOR EVERY DAY LIVING Items Needed: 1) TOOTHPICK - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others. 2) RUBBER BAND - to remind you to be flexible,things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out. 3) BAND AID - to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's. 4) PENCIL - to remind you to list your blessings everyday. 5) ERASER - To remind you that everyone makes mistakes,and it's OK. 6) CHEWING GUM - to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything. 7) MINT - to remind you that you are worth a mint. 8) CANDY KISS - to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday. 9) TEA BAG - to remind you to relax daily and reflect on all the positive things in your life.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2002 09:28 AM                        Rated G TRIVIA The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor. Marilyn Monroe had six toes. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public. Walt Disney was afraid of mice. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T. Pearls melt in vinegar. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2002 03:44 PM                        Rated R Phil in Washington D.C. "I got a sweater for my birthday... I really would have preferred a screamer or a moaner."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 10:09 AM                        Rated G GIVE ME MY MONEY! A realty salesman had just closed his first deal,only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water. "That customer is going to come back here pretty mad,"he said to his manager."Should I give him his money back?" "Money back?" roared the manager..."What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 11:08 AM                        Rated G A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took theseat beside him. The new guy was a wreck,pale, hands shaking,biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey,pal,what's the matter?"said the first guy. "I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California,"he answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..." "Hold on,"said the first."I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work,mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh,thank God. I was worried to death!But if you live there and say it's ok,I'll take your word for it.By the way, what do you do for aliving?" "Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 12:01 PM                        Rated G BLANCHE: I'll always remember how we celebrated New Year's Eve last night with our closest friends at that fancy nightclub HERB: Yes, it makes me sentimental, too. BLANCHE: You already miss all the friends we saw? HERB: No, I already miss all the money I spent.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 12:23 PM                        Rated G Could This Be Our New Moderator? Joe, a trendy dresser, fancied himself quite a lady-killer, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. "How romantic," he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo. Heart a flutter,he opened her response.It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 12:41 PM                        Rated G Two actors that haven't seen each other in several weeks run in to each other on the street. 1st Actor: Haven't seen you in a while, how's everything going? 2nd Actor: Pretty good. Two weeks ago I got a call from a lawyer in Florida. It seems I had an aunt that I never knew about that died and left me $2,000,000. #1: That's great! #2: Yeah. And then last week I hit the lottery and won $7,000,000. #1: That's wonderful! #2: Yeah, but this week, nothing!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 12:49 PM                        Rated G ANSWERING MACHINES I believe there is a strong link between an individual's answering machine message and his personality. To test this theory, I called the machines of several celebrities. Here is what I heard: CLINT EASTWOOD: "This is a semi-automatic, cassette-loading, six-beep answering machine. At a range of three feet it can blow your eardrum away. You're probably wondering if it's got one beep left or if I've used my six. Go ahead and talk if you feel lucky. Well, do you, PUNK?" BARBARA WALTERS: "At the sound of the tone please tell me if you could be an answering machine, what brand would you choose to be? I would also like to know if you and your spouse sleep in the same bed together. Whatever your answer is, please be wise, be good to us." LARRY FLYNT: "&%$#*&!!! You make me so %#$&$# sick that I'll $#%^& your @%&*& if you don't leave your &%@# name and #$!&% number at the %$&# sound of the &*@#% beep!" JOHN McENROE: "You call that a beep? Are you crazy? I didn't hear any lousy beep! This machine won't beep for at least another 10 seconds! If you don't answer me I won't play your message! Please leave your answer you STUPID IDIOT!!!" HOWARD COSELL: "I may have cast off my mortal coil in overtime but my answering machine lives on with its inimitable running commentary. Anyway, the big question facing us at the sound of the tone will be whether you will leave a communicatory message of sufficient excitation to arouse the auditory interest of your many fans or will you stoop once again to your usual evasive obfuscation. We anxiously await what will be an indubitably momentous decision." G. GORDON LIDDY: "You better leave your name and number at the sound of the tone or I'll break your legs and hold your hand over a flame. In any event, I've tapped your phone line so I already know what you've said." MR. T: "HEY FOOL! Yeah, I'm talking to you! I really pity you if you don't leave a message at the sound of the tone. And if you give me any back talk, I'm gonna whomp you upside your head so bad you won't ever feel like talking again! All you'll feel is pain! YOU HEAR ME? PAIN!" WOODY ALLEN: "Please leave a psychologically soothing message at the sound of the tone because I can't handle any more hostility. My analyst's bills are high enough already. I just lost one girlfriend because of answering machines. We kept calling each other, but our prerecorded messages were incompatible." THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE: "Please leave your message on the machine formerly known as 'answering' at the sound of the tone formerly known as 'BEEP!'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 05:39 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues The new FDA milk labeling rules are so strict, it's now illegal to print a picture of a missing fat kid on a carton of skim milk.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 06:06 PM                        Rated G Mental disease of the month club "Announcement: the mental-disease-of-the-month club is being disbanded immediately. The reasons being: 1.During dipsomania month, the club party spent 10 times its budget on refreshments. 2.During kleptomania month, all of the club furnishings were removed, and (as aforementioned) the budget was already spent and gone. 3.During megalomania month, the club organization broke down due to having sixteen claimants to being Club President, etc. 4.During multiple personality month, our club roster roughly tripled in size with no increase in dues. 5.During paranoia month, the inflated roster dropped to zeroas each member changed his or her mailing address and left no forwarding address for the club. You members were obviously out to ruin us; it's all clear now. It took all our remaining personal savings to track you all down. Therefore, here is your last installment: clinical depression. Have a nice day."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 06:12 PM                        Rated G The Fathers of 1900 and the Fathers of Today In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English. In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head,he was a success. Today, it takes a roof,deck,pool,and 4-car garage.And that's just the vacation home. In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today,a father must wear a smock,know how to breathe,and make sure film is in the video camera. In 1900,fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today,kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle. In 1900,fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today,fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR. In 1900,fathers pined for old country Romania,Italy,or Russia. Today,fathers pine for old country Hank Williams. In 1900,fathers shook their children gently and whispered,"Wake up, it's time for school." Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m.,shouting:"Wake up,it's time for hockey practice." In 1900,a father came home from work to find his wife and children at thesupper table. Today,a father comes home to a note:"Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics,I'm at gym,Pizza in fridge." In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream. Today,fathers pluck the headphones off their sons'ears and shout,"WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.." In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas,and the kid was all smiles. Today,a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 06:16 PM                        Rated G HEAT A colorful colloquialism of the American South used to express an extremely uncomfortable degree of heat, usually one that can not be tolerated except for a short period of time, or one which is initially intense and then lessens as contact with it continues. Examples include: - The vinyl back seat of a car that has been sitting in the Florida summer sun all afternoon - The open front porch of any clapboard house in the Tennessee Valley around lunch time on a day in August - The asphalt parking lot of any convenience store in East Texas at about 3:00PM on a sunny cloudless day in July - A 100-watt lightbulb that has been on for at least an hour - The wrought iron park benches in Jackson Square in New Orleans at 10:00AM on any day during most of the year - An elevator full of people stuck between floors during a rolling blackout in California, after about 20 minutes - Three or more rats fucking in wool socks The important thing to keep in mind when using or hearing this term is that it applies to things which are very, very hot, but not hot enough to really burn you or seriously impair you unless you get too much of it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 06:31 PM                        Rated G From the Australian Bureau of Statistics 31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate. Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents. 101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet. 18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket. 5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalextric car. 3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue. 142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts. 58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers, and finally. 8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing out) while throwing up into the toilet. YEP! Proud to be Australian ;D  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 101 pages: 1  2  3  ...  94  95  96  97  98  99  100  101

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.