1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

2. A better model is always just around the corner.

3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

4. It is always necessary to have a backup.

5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

8. The lights are on but nobody's home.

9. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

Whats the difference between MAC, Windows, and UNIX when trying to delete an important file?

A MAC says, "I'm sorry, this file is important and it would harm your system if you delete it."

A Windows machine says, "Deleting this file may cause some programs not to run on your computer, are you sure you wish to delete it?"

Version 6.0: Open a blank document, and type T3!. Select all three characters and press the Bold button on the toolbar. Next, go to theFormat menu, select AutoFormat, and press OK. When prompted, click the Accept button to accept the formatting changes. Finally, select About from the Help menu. Click on Microsoft Word icon in upper-left corner.

What Florida's Slogans should be

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 andvisit one of the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we'reBushed.

FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, Re-vote.

FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!

FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?

FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.

FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.

FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

FLORIDA: So nice, we let you vote twice.

FLORIDA: We put the "duh" in Florida.

FLORIDA: This isn't good when Alabama counts faster than us!

FLORIDA: Once is never enough!

FLORIDA: We would do a recount but we've run out of fingers andtoes!

FLORIDA: Don't blame me, I voted for Gore, I think.

FLORIDA: Don't blame me, my vote didn't count.

FLORIDA: We're retired --no wait-- we're retarded

!FLORIDA: Don't count on us!FLORIDA: Home of the edible chad.

One time the FBI the CIA and the LAPD decided to have a competition to see which is the best law enforcement agency.

So they let a rabbit loose into the forest and then after a day they went into the forest to try and find the rabbit, and this is how they did.

The CIA went into the forest and set up a surveillance operation and questioned every animal in the forest and finally came to the conclusion there was no rabbit after a three month investigation.

The FBI stormed the Forest with snipers and shot every animal in the forest Then they burned the entire forest to the ground and said that the rabbit is dead and deserved it's fate.

The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely to contain himself, "there's good news and bad news."

"Oh, no,"muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Iraqi One-Liners

Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A. They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign ambassador.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.

Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52...F-16...B-2...F-117...B-1.Q:

What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.

Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Bitches -vs- Pimps

The Lemon Drop

A bar has a contest to see who could squeeze the most drops out of a lemon.

A young model comes in wearing a speedo and squeezes out 5 drops.

A very muscular man walks in wearing a g-string later and squeezes out 10 drops.

Then a small man walks in wearing a buisness suit squeezes 30 drops out.

The young underwear model in the speedo and the muscle man in a g-string were shocked.

All these are genuine and have appeared in newspapers throughout the world:

"More men than women are convicted of shoplifting. The majority of women shoplifters are aged between 25 and 35. 'But,' said Mr Shepherd, 'there was the case of the really old lady who collapsed in a supermarket and when an ambulance was called was found to be suffering from hyperthermia caused by a frozen chicken under her hat.'"- The Scotsman"

At one time he was well up in the first 10 places but hitting a bride in Wales damaged the suspension and he dropped back." - Autosport"

A 36-year-old Irishman who hurled his shoe through a Perth shop window called police to retrieve it because he did not want to break the law and enter the building." - The Age

"May Day greetings to all comrades in the Labour Movements. Divided west and, united we fall. Littlehampton Labour Party."- Littlehampton Gazette

"Backing-up Bernice and Sam is a strong cast and backstage crew all combining to make this an exciting opening show." Performances are on 16th,17th and 18th October and booing starts on 15th September.- News Shopper"

Joan of Arc probably suffered from brain damage which resulted in her visions, said Dr. Harold Palmer when he spoke to St. Albans and District Association of University Women."- Herts Advertiser"

Cemetery charges are to go up from June 1st but there will be a 50% reduction for pensioners."- West London Observer"

He said it is unlikely pollution is the cause and the fish bore no outward signs of disease, "These fish are perfectly healthy, except that they're dead.'"- Vancouver Sun"

Wellington N.Z. - Motor accidents have replaced falling out of coconut trees as the most common cause of death in the Pacific Islands, according to a medical expert."-

South China Morning Post"A Bangor man who admitted using the same coin to obtain gas from the meter at his home for nearly a year told Bangor magistrates on Tuesday that he did it 'on the spur of the moment.'"-

North Wales Chronicle" The crime was discovered when Grieve arrived in a taxi at a scrap merchants in Milnbank Road, Dundee. Two plain-clothes police officers were on a routine visit to the premises. Grieve said to one of them: "Is it OK, there's no police about?" He then removed a sack from the boot."

- Dundee Evening Telegraph "Mr. L. Brittain of 3 Cedar Drive, Thornton-in-Cleveland asks us to say he has no connection with a manure smell in the village."

- Middlesbrough Evening Gazette"The BBC filmed the destruction of Pulteney Road Bridge in Bath and rushed the film to the station for inclusion in the television news. The film couldn't go because the train couldn't go over the bridge they'd just filmed coming down."

- Bath & West Evening Chronicle"'My husband's mother was Hawaiian and we thought it might be nice to give the child a traditional name,' said Mrs Seymour, the mum of a 28-week-old Washington boy on why he was baptised Keaminuimakahahaikalani."

- Birmingham Evening Mail"A market stall has stopped selling bottles of invisible ink which it was claimed yesterday made holes in a boy's pyjamas and caused part of a carpet at his home to disappear."

- Yorkshire Post"The Prince of Wales spent last winter being renovated at a cost of more than #30,000 at British Rail's Swindon depot, and returned to Aberystwytha week ago."

- Western Mail "If the unemployed were made to work on road building schemes it would improve the country's road system and hasten the return of law and order.'That is what Hitler had to do,' Councillor Sid Childs told Highly Parish Council last night, 'at least he brought Germany back to common-sense.' Mr Childs said that he was thinking of the country as a whole and not just the Highlway area, though the road between Bridgnorth and Highley would be a good place to start."

- Shropshire Star "The Chairman, Ald. George Wardle, suggested that the sheep might stop if notices were erected saying: 'Sheep must not eat gravel.' But members felt that even if they were warned of the direst consequences, this would have little effect."

- Newcastle Journal"A young Formosan wrote 700 letters to his girlfriend. She is to marry the postman."

- Stoke Evening Sentinel "A boy took home a stolen cycle and was thrashed by his father and sent to bed. But next day when he wanted to return the cycle, he found his father had gone to work on it."

- Derby Telegraph "Crash courses available for those wishing to learn to drive very quickly."

"Police at Kidderminster, Worcestershire, are looking for thieves who broke into a factory and stole 17 miles of sausage skin." The Scotsman "

On reaching the age of 90, members of St Mary's Charlton Kings Mothers' Union branch will no longer pay subscriptions, but become life members." - Gloucestershire Echo

"Mr. Kanso Yoshida, cousin of Emperor Hirohito of Japan, has died aged 78.Since he came to Liverpool in 1912, Mr. Yoshida had been known as Paddy Murphy."- Liverpool Post

"Having read of a Wakering woman who died of hypothermia after a fall ather home I am prompted to write to you of my similar experience." - Southend Standard"

There once was a little boy playing outside with his football. The little girl next door came outside and asked if she could play too.

"Ha, Ha, Ha! Yeah right! This is a toy that only boys can use! Girls can't play with footballs!" was the little boys response.

The little girl felt horrible. She started crying and ran inside and told her mother.

The next day the little boy was outside playing with his football again. The little girl came outside, but this time she had a football in her hand, that looked just like his. Thelittle girl went up to the boy and said: "My mommy says that girls can play with footballs, and that they aren't just for boys."

The little boy was angry.

"Oh yeah?" he says as he runs into his garage. He comes out with a mountain bike. Then he says: "Mountain bikes are for boys. ONLY BOYS. This is a BOY toy."

The little girl, again, gets teary-eyed, and runs inside to tell her mother.

The next day the little boy is outside riding his mountain bike. He's feeling pretty happy, but then the little girl comes outside with a mountain bike and says: "My mommy says that girls can ride mountain bikes, and that they aren't just for boys."

The boy by now is furious, and he is so mad that he pulls downs his pants.

"YOU SEE THIS? THIS IS SOMETHING ONLY A BOY CAN HAVE!! YOU GOT
THAT?? BOYS ONLY!!"

The girl is so sad, that this time she drops her bike and it gets all scratched as she runs in screaming and crying.

This comes from the New Yorker magazine. The harshest rejection
letters ever...

Dear Sir: A few days ago, you phoned us about the job you applied for with our company, and we told you that you did not get the job. However, we are now writing to inform you that you did not get the job. We wanted to make sure you understood that.

Sincerely,

Personnel Department

Dear Sir:

Congratulations! You got the job! That is probably what you were hoping this letter would say. But it doesn't, because you didn't.

Sincerely,

Human Recourses

Dear Sir:

You recently applied for a position with us, but you did not get it, as we have informed you by phone and by mail. However, we have not heard back from you that you completely understand that you failed to get the job. Please call or write and let us know that you realize that you are not employed by us in any way, and never
will be.

Sincerely,

Personnel Department

Dear Sir:

Please be advised that the person we hired instead of you has been promoted to department manager, and he has asked us to inform you that, should a position open up, he would not hire you.

Sincerely,

Personnel Department

Dear Sir:

Would you consider taking a job for less pay than we originally discussed, even though we would never offer you such a job?

Sincerely,

Personnel

Dear Sir:

If it is any consolation, we feel that if we had hired you, by now we would have been forced to let you go.

Sincerely,

Human Recources

Dear Sir:

We are writing to find out what kind of carpeting and curtains you want in your new office. . . . Wait, we made a mistake. You'r the wrong person. Oh, well, we're going to go ahead and send this letter to you anyway.

Sincerely,

Personnel Department

Dear Sir:

Could you report for work first thing Monday morning, if you had a job? Just curious.

Sincerely,

Personnel Department

Dear Sir:

While updating our file of job applications, yours was folded into a paper airplane and was accidentally sailed out the window. Would you mind filling out the enclosed application and mailing it back to us in the shape of an airplane?

Sincerely,

Personnel Department

Dear Sir:

It has come to our attention that an employee in our department has been sending you unauthorized and inappropriate letters. We have told him not only that he is fired but that we are hiring you in his place. He left here in an uproar, swearing that he was "going to find (you) and crush (your) head like a walnut." (Some of usthink he
said "like a peanut," but most think he said "walnut.") If he shows up at your apartment, please explain to him that we were just kidding; we would never hire you.

Sincerely,

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC.

A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag.

The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?" replied the curious brother

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.