1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

8. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

9. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

10. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes
VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

11. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

12. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

13. She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUIDGRAIN STORAGE FACILITY

2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICULAR REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIVERSITY.

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

How to relieve Stress

1) Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.

2) Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

3) Pay your electric bill in pennies.

4) When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.

5) Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

6) Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.

7) Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.

8) Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.

9) Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.

10) Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.

11) Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.

12) Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

13) Dance naked in front of your pets.

14) Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

15) Drive to work in reverse.

16) Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

17) Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.

18) Write a short story using alphabet soup.

19) Polish your car with earwax.

20) Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

21) Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

22) Braid the hairs in each nostril.

23) Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.

24) Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

25) Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.

26) Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.

27) Do your assignments in binary code.

28) Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.

29) Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are, and ask for help.

3 men die all at the same time and are standing at the pearly white gates. St. Peter says "Guys, I never thought I'd say this, but, Hell's getting to full. So, you were headed to Hell, but we'll let you into Heaven if you can undertake a painful situation for 10 years.

The first guy says "Well, I don't really want to go to Hell. How about if you light my right hand on fire?" So the guy's hand is lit on fire and he runs off screaming.

The second guy says "Well, I suppose I can take something lit on fire. How about you light my left foot on fire?" So his left foot is lit on fire, and he runs off screaming.

The third guy says "Aww, I can do better than that! Light my penis on fire!"

St Peter says "Are you sure you really want to undergo that?" The man says "Sure, I'll prove why I deserve to be in Heaven!"
So his penis is lit on fire and he goes running off screaming.

10 years later, after much running and screaming, St. Peter gathers them all up and extinguishes their flames.

"Congratulations. You have all proven yourselves worthy of Heaven." The three men all sit down to a golden table as beautiful angels bring them beer after beer.

The first guy leans over the table and says "My name's Joe from Colorado, and I lied to get in here. I lost my right hand in WWII, and this is just a prosthetic attachment."

The second guy says "Yeah, I know how you feel. My name's Brad from Texas, and I lost my left foot in 'Nam."

A little boy and his mother went to walmart.

The little boy saw a new tricycle and begged his mother for it and she said no no!!

The little boy said "please buy this for me I am so lonely and have no one to play with."

His mother replied I will play with you if you will stop begging.

The little boy said "will you play with me when we get home?"

His mother replied "yes".

When they got home the little boy wanted to play and the mother said," as soon as I cook dinner!"

The little boy started screaming and pitching a fit and his mother said "Ok Ok" what do you want to play?

The little boy said, I want to play mommy and daddy. So go upstairs and take your clothes off and get into bed.

The mother did not know what to think about this. But she went upstairs and took her clothes off and got into bed

One day two little boys were playing in their sandbox.

The first little boy got up and went to go pee in the trees.

After a while the other little boy went to go see what was taking the other little boy so long.

When he reached the other little boy, he ran away.

The other little boy caught up with him he asked why he ran away.

The first little boy: "Because I saw a naked lady."

The second little boy: So why did you run away?

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I
want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

A tale about potatoes

You know that all potatoes have eyes.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

When she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Gold's, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

A Week At The Club

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shapefrom when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it.

I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

DAY 1
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week.

Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points.

Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!!

DAY 2
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT!

DAY 3
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagon.

Tanya was little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of
elevators?

Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

DAY 4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. NOT A CHANCE, TANYA!! The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As
punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

DAY 5
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain, I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I
have news for you Tanya. I don't have triceps, and if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage. YOU went to sadist school. YOU are to blame. She had the treadmill set so fast it flung me back into a phys.ed teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or home economics?

DAY 6
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

These are America's wackiest 911 calls, mainly from "What's the Number for 911?" selected by Leland H. Gregory III, and some other sources and books, so enjoy!
_________________________________________________________________

DISPATCHER: "911. What is your emergency?"

FEMALE CALLER: "Yes, we just got to our hotel and there are four of us here, but we only have enough towels for two."

DISPATCHER: "This is 911, ma'am."

FEMALE CALLER: "Yes, well, what am I supposed to do?"

DISPATCHER: "Have you tried the hotel operator?

911 REPORT: Please connect me to Switzerland.

911: "South Valley Dispatch, 911."

BURGLAR: "Yeah, hi, um.. I just broke into a building. I'm inside the building right now, and I just got frusterated. All I did was break the window, and I walked away, and I felt reallyguilty about it."

911: "Do you know what the name of it is, or anything like that?"

BURGLAR: "I can go look really quick if you want to hold on for a minute."

911: "Okay, will you come back?"

BURGLAR: "Yeah, I will."

911: "Okay."

BURGLAR: "Hold on a second. Now I'm gonna put the phone down."

911: "All right, put your handin the air and walk out there."

BURGLAR: "Okay, I'm doing it right now."

911: "Okay, good."

BURGLAR: "Okay, bye."

911: "Bye."

In March, 1996, Roy Holloway was at his preliminary hearing in Los Vegas on charges of attemted murdur. During the attack of his wife, Holloway, frusterated over his inhability to kill her, called 911 to complain. The call was played by the prosecution:

HOLLOWAY: "I've tried to strangle her about four different ways. She won't die."

911: "Why are you trying to kill her?"

HOLLOWAY: "Because I don't like her."

911: "Why not just divorce her?"

HOLLOWAY: "Isn't it a lot easier just to kill her? But she won't die. [G]od, she keeps breathing.

911 REPORT: "My parrot got out and is in a tree outside."

DISPATCHER: "911. What's your emergency?"

MAN: "Well, let me tell you. My girlfriend, Sue and I have been together for about three years now, see?"

DISPATCHER: "Yes."

MAN: "It's been great too. No, I really mean it. But recently,you know how it is, I mean, it's been like, well, things haven't been well... we've been having some problems, you know."

DISPATCHER: "Sir."

MAN: "I'm getting there, I'm getting there. So anyway, I really love her, man, it's just that, well, I think she's been... I think she is... well, you know, going out."

DISPATCHER: "Going out?"

MAN: "Yeah, you know, cheating on me, like."

DISPATCHER: "Sir, do you have an emergency?"

MAN: "I'm getting there, I'm getting there. So we had this big fight, you see... big one, too. So for the last couple of days I've been trying to call her... on the phone, right. No answer.Every time. No answer. I keep trying and stuff, but she don't
answer the phone. I think she's cheating on me too. I'm sure she's home. It's not like she's in trouble or anything like that. It's just that well, I can't get in touch, and she won't answer the phone."

DISPATCHER: "Sir, I'm not sure how we can help you."

MAN: "Here's the thing, why I called, see. I was hoping, you know, well, it's like, if you could send a cop by to see if she's home. And while they're there see what cars are parked in her driveway and maybe write down their license numbers and stuff. Since you guys can do stuff like that, you can find out who the cars belong to, right? Find out if she's there and who's there with her and stuff. I think she's cheating on me, but I don't have no proof... so, could you do that, you think?"

DISPATCHER: "Sir, this number is for emergency calls only. I'm sorry, but we can't help you."

MAN: "Shit!"

In 1968, Alan Schneider called the police on his brother Arnie because he was playing his guitar and keeping him awake.

911 REPORT: "When is the Cinco de Mayo [Fifth of May] celebration?"

911 REPORT: "My neighbor's dog is barking."

911 REPORT: "What's the phone number for the police?"

911: "911, Fire or emergency?"
CALLER: "Neither. My son was bothering me. I just wanted to let you know."

911 REPORT: "These bee droppings are ruining my roof!"

Person answered "No" when a police man at home asked, "Are you conscious?"

Male complaint called to inform that there was a squirrel on his front porch.

911 REPORT: "I can't sleep."

911: "911, fire or emergency?"

CALLER: "A favor actually. I know you people, the police and all, are busy. But you've got to help me out."

911: "I'll do what I can. What's the problem."

CALLER: "I was hoping you could send a police man over here and scare my son into doing his homework."

911 REPORT: "My nail is broken."

911 REPORT: Lady got a blister from working three days at Taco Bell.

911 REPORT: "My bird ran out of birdseed."

911 REPORT: A six year old called to report that his brother took one of his toys.

Complaint called about a neighbor keeping a pet cow in thier front yard.

911: "911."

CALLER: "I'm having a baby!"

911: "All right. Stay calm, ma'am."

CALLER: "I'm calm. I'm just having a baby! Now!"

911: "How far apart are the contractions?"

CALLER: "They seem like they're coming right on top ofeach other!"

911: "Has your water broke?"

CALLER: "Yeah, mah watta broke about half an hour ago, that's why my contractions are hittin' real hard!"

911: "Can you see if the baby is crowning?"

CALLER: "What?!"

911: "Look and see if you can see the top of the baby's head."

CALLER: "I can't do that."

911: "Why not?"

CALLER: "I still have my clothes on!"

911: "Ma'am, the paremedics are on their way so there's no needto worry. I need you to remove all of your clothing from the waist down so that you can check to see if you're crowning.

CALLER: "I aint gonna do that! I don't want them boys to see my coochie!"

911 REPORT: "Why is the sun so hot in Arizona?"

911 REPORT: "My phone doesn't work."

911 REPORT: "Is this 911?"

911 REPORT: "There's a loud party next door."

911: "911, what's the nature of your emergency?"

MAN: "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

911: "Is this her first child?"

MAN: "No, you idiot! This is her husband!"

DISPATCHER TO POLICE: Male caller is sexually stuck to his dog and cannot get loose.

911 REPORT: "Give me the number to the police, and don't give me any crap about looking it up myself. I don't have time."

911:       "911."

MAN (OUT OF BREATH): "Hey... uhh, I feel really stupid about this but uh.."

911:       "Sir do you have an emergency to report?"

MAN:       "You're here to give out information, right?"

911:       "In a way. What's your emergency?"

When you think you have a bad day, remember this one from a young mother:

"I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.

An Asian Guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72.

Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66.

He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says: "Fluctuations."

A guy comes home from work and bust in his house. He shouts to his wife..."Honey, pack you back I just won the lottery!"

"Thats great" shouts the wife, "where should I pack for.. the beach or the mountains?"

INSTALLING LOVE                              
 
Customer Service Rep:  Can you install LOVE ?

 Customer:  I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first ?

 CS Rep:  The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am ?

 Customer:  Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running ?

 CS Rep:  What programs are running ma'am ?

 Customer:  Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE,  LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

 CS Rep:  No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system.
 It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and  RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE  from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

 Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how ?

 CS Rep:  My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

 Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal ?

 CS Rep:  Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message ?

 Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed ?

 CS Rep:  Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

 Customer:  Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do ?

 CS Rep: What does the message say ?

 Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?

 CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is oneof those complicated programming things, but In non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

 Customer: So what should I do?

 CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE" ?

Customer:  Yes, I have it.

 CS Rep:  Excellent, you are getting good at this.

 Customer: Thank you.

 CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC,SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

 Customer:  Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART !

 CS Rep:  Then LOVE is installed and running. You should beable to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

 Customer:  Yes?

 CS Rep:  LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it  with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer:  I will. Thank you for your help

-----------------------------
A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed.
He told his playmate, "I'll be gone for awhile as I have to have surgery."

On the day he was admitted to the hospital, his mother asked the doctor if
he could please circumcise her boy while he was still asleep.

The doctor agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for
several days.

After about a week he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed
him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon. He asked
him to tell him about the surgery.