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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Don't Know Where to Put It. Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-18-2002 11:22 AM                        Rated PG A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?" "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marksacross the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound." "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on a rattler?" persisted the woman. "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-18-2002 11:54 AM                        Rated PG At a party, a guy walks up to a stunning young woman and said, "Gentlemen prefer blondes." Thinking to shake him, she replied, "I'm not really a blonde." He said, "Good. I'm not really a gentleman."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-19-2002 06:47 AM                        Rated PG Half the people in Baltimore dream of having their own house. The other half dream about breaking into them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-19-2002 08:55 AM                        Rated G After our new neighbors moved in,our garbage was often knocked over in the mornings by their big black dog.I'd often try to shoo him away, but he'd only snarl at me. In exasperation, I went to my neighbor's to complain. "Thank you for telling me," said the woman who opened the door."We noticed he had bad breath, but we didn't know where he was getting it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-19-2002 09:11 AM                        Rated G Two Yuppettes were shopping.When they started to discuss their home lives,one said,"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight.I've been so upset,I've lost 20 pounds." "Why don't you just leave him then?"asked her friend. "Oh!Not yet."the first replied,"I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."  |  IP: Logged David Favel Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 764 From: Ashburton, New Zealand Registered: Feb 2002 posted 12-19-2002 02:32 PM                     Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here." A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y fronts. A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?' The man says "A premature ejaculation". "What?" says the woman. The man says I've just come in my pants." Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." Is it common?" "It's not unusual." Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!" A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...." Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross eyed, is there anything you can do for him? Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho Cha Chu. But I think it's Colin. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.' My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove." Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2002 01:32 PM                        Rated G Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping. As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday. So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up. As she settled into the car, her face dropped. "Thanks a lot!" she sulked. Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey.";D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2002 08:59 AM                        Rated G Actual Classified Ads In a Los Angeles daily: "Wanted: man to work on nuclear fissionable isotope molecular reactive counters and three-phase cyclotronic photosynthesizers. No experience necessary." In the Southern Illinois University student newspaper: "Sweet old lady wishes to correspond with S.I.U. undergraduate. Prefers six-foot male with brown eyes answering to initials J.D.B. Signed, His Mother." [b]From a Miami Beach weekly:[b] " Having trouble with your husband coming home late or not at all? Let us make a confidential investigation for you.Special discount if your husband is a senior citizen.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2002 09:26 AM                        Rated PG WHAT IS A BACHELOR? One who avoids Bride-Eyed women. One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit. One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long. One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two. One who can forget his mistakes. One who can get into bed from either side. One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked. One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands. One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house. One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt. One who can't be Spouse-Broken. One who can't stand the strain of a wife. One who cheated some woman out of a divorce. One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time. One who failed to embrace his opportunities. One who is a free male. One who is allergic to Wedding cakes. One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free. One who is known as a Dame Dropper. One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt. One who knows all the ankles. One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him. One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash. One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor. One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall. One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!! One who looks, but does not leap. One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun. One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from. One who never makes the same mistake once. One who never met a girl he couldn't live without. One who never Mrs. Anything. One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!" One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding. One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing. One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever. One who travels fastest in a parked car. One who tries to avoid the issue. One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip. One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets. One who washes only one set of dishes. One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone- Deaf. One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in. One who won't take `Yes' for an answer. One who would rather change girls than change their names. One who would rather cook his own goose. One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck. One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 06:23 AM                        Rated G The young man said to his sweetheart, "We're going to have a great time tonight. I have three theater tickets." The young girl said, "Why do we need three tickets?" "They're for your father, mother, and kid sister!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 06:40 AM                        Rated G Pages Stolen From Martha Stewart's Daytimer December 22 Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 24 Do my annual good deed.Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping,thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle,Lay in color coordinated manger scented with home made potpourri. December 26 Drain city reservoir;refill with mulled cider,orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 28 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 31 New Year's Eve!Give staff their resolutions.Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 06:44 AM                        Rated G Long ago,on New York's lower east side,Mrs. Spinelli and Mrs.Goldberg were bragging about their respective abilities to overfeed dinner guests. With evident pride Mrs. Spinelli says,"When they walk home from my house,they're all doubled-over." Without a beat, Mrs. Goldberg answers,"From your house they can walk?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 07:27 AM                        {b]Rated PG Lorraine Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman,"For fifteen dollars,I can read your love line and tell your romantic future." Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend." "That's true," said Paul. "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" "Yes,"Paul shamefully admitted."That's amazing.Can you tell all of this from my love line?" "Love line? No,from the calluses."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 10:07 AM                        Rated G Weeweechu One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee weresitting by the side of the ocean.It was a romantic full moon, when HuanCho said "Hey baby,let's play Weeweechu." "Oh no,not now,lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee. "Oh,c'mon baby,let's you and I play Weeweechu.I love you and its the perfect time,"Huan Cho begged. "But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon." "Please Jung Lee,just once play Weeweechu with me." Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said,"OK, we'll play Weeweechu." Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang..... (scroll down) . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . .. . Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas, Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas, Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas, and a happy New Yeal." [and you were thinking.... what?]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 05:30 PM                        Rated PG Sue Bee WARNING LABELS ON TOYS POKEMON: "This toy will result in your first addiction. Cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, and heroin will inevitably follow." YAHTZEE!: "Game score accuracy not guaranteed in Florida." YO-YO: "Regardless of skill lever, use of this product can never -- I repeat, *never* -- make you look cool." "MY SIZE" BARBIE: "Mattel not liable for incidents of doll coming to life, throwing you in its box, putting on *your* clothes, and seamlessly assuming your place in the family, only with more success than you ever had." BETSY WETSY: "For ages 3-7 only, you perv!" FURBY: "Warning to Parents: Gets annoying in like 5 minutes, and you face the risk of seeming soooo 1998." CLUE: "Hint to blondes: While we DO encourage you to buy our game, but this is not what everybody meant." MAGIC 8-BALL: "Not intended for making important decisions, President Bush." BIG MOUTH BILLY BASS: "A singing fish -- what the hell were you thinking?"  |  IP: Logged

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