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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Don't Know Where to Put It. Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2002 08:23 AM                        Rated G A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him,an elegant woman wearing the largest,most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. " It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it." "What's the curse," the man asked? "Mr. Klopman."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2002 09:58 AM                        Rated G What Does This Say? OPPORTUNITYISNOWHERE . . . . . . . . . Did you read it as "Opportunity is nowhere" or "Opportunity is now here?" You see,attitude is everything  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2002 01:18 PM                        Rated G HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM 01. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 02. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 03. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary,how would we ever know? 04. If Webster wrote the first dictionary,where did he find the words? 05. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 06. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 07. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? 08. Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 09. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? 11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"? 12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"make the unexpected expected? 13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? 14. Why do "overlook" & "oversee" mean opposite things? 15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? 16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia,can you read all right? 20. Why is bra singular and panties plural? 21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? 22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 23. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one? 27. Christmas is weird.What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2002 02:43 PM                        Rated G The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2002 02:45 PM                        Rated G ALL I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM A SNOWMAN * It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy. * Hold your ground, even when the heat is on. * Wearing white is always appropriate. * Winter is the best of the four seasons. * It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection. * There's nothing better than a foul weather friend. * The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul. * We're all made up of mostly water. * You know you've made it when they write a song about you. * Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize! * Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun. * It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet. * It's fun to hang out in your front yard. * Always put your best foot forward. * There's no stopping you once you're on a roll. * It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2002 09:02 PM                        Rated G THE SON TEST! An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it. Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room, carrying all three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined... " "What's this mean!?" his wife asked quizzically. "I'm afraid our son's going to be a politician!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2002 06:16 PM                        Rated G Rated G Lorraine On the first day of his vacation our postman sent us a card. And, it became a very personal gesture when he got back in time to deliver it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2002 08:15 AM                        Rated G If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough If OUGH can stand for O as in Dough If PHTH can stand for T as in Phthisis If EIGH can stand for A as in Neighbor If TTE can stand for T as in Gazette If EAU can stand for O as in Plateau Then the right way to spell POTATO should be: "GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2002 09:35 PM                        Rated PG SURVIVOR 6 - THE SUBURBS! Have you heard about the next "Survivor" show that is planned? Mark Burnett, producer of "Survivor" plans to enlist 12 men, who will be dropped in an unidentified suburb with a van and six kids. Each child plays two sports and each takes music lessons or attends dance class They have no access to fast food. They must keep the house clean, assist with all homework (receiving at least a "C+" on all papers), complete one science project, cook and do laundry. They have access to television only when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. None of the TV's have remotes. The competitions will consist of such things as: * PTA meetings * clean up after a sick child at 3:00 a.m * make an model Indian hut with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker * get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas * take night classes * arrange for trustworthy childcare. They will be allowed to organize one night out for themselves but they must plan 2 weeks in advance and find a sitter. The kids get to vote them off at tribal council. The winner gets to go back to his job.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 07:35 AM                        Rated G Cynic's Dictionary DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music. DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere. FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp. FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them. METALLURGIST: A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore. MINUTE MAN: One who double parks while he visits a sporting house. MORNING: The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises. MOTHER'S DAY: Nine months after fathers day.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 07:45 AM                        Rated G For you people who don't think I have a PHD.in filossafee and sycology read how I figgered why fire trucks are red....... Everyone knows that fire engines have 4 wheels and 8 men.4 and 8 make 12.There are twelve inches in a foot.A foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth,a ruler,is the name of one of the largest ships on the seas.Seas have fish and fish have fins.The Finns fought the Russians and Russians are red...and fire trucks are always rushin' therefore, fire trucks are red. Now shut up.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 08:12 AM                        Rated R This young man and girl are kissing,they are really going at it and are starting to get hot and heavy. The young man pulls away and says,"Honey,I think I swallowed your gum.". The girlfriend shakes her head and says "It's OK dear,I just cleared my throat."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 08:58 AM                        Rated G The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory. An exciting new discovery is about to take place.Mr. Bell and his assistant,a man named Watson,have been hard at work on Bell's new invention to transmit sound over wires. As Mr.Watson toiled away in the room with the receiver,he suddenly hears ... ring,ring,ring ....then.... "Good evening,sir.Are you paying too much for your long distance service?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 09:15 AM                        Rated X EBONICS LESSON What if some famous movies were remade to fit into today's pop culture?Instead of being in boring old English they'd be written in Ebonics.I've taken the liberty of translating a few easily identifiable movie quotes into this new language for your reading pleasure. "Luke, I'm your father." Ebonics: "Hey boy, I's yo daddy." "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!" Ebonics: "Later, bitch!" "To be or not to be? That is the question." Ebonics: "Is I is or is I ain't? Shiiit" "I'll be back." Ebonics: "I's a fixin' to bust a cap in yo ass." "We're off to see the wizard." Ebonics: "We's fixin' to see the hoodoo 'bout some voodoo." "You've got to get mad!Stand up wherever you are,go to the nearest window and yell as loud as you can:'I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!'" Ebonics: Fuuuuuck You! "We're going to need a bigger boat." Ebonics: You see da teeth on this mutha fucka?Turn this piece-a-shit around and get my black ass back to shore! "I am Spartacus." Ebonics: "Who da fuck is Spartacus?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 09:27 AM                        Rated G THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE! 1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. 2. Chocolate covered raisins,cherries,orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit,so eat as many as you want. 3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. 4. Diet tip:Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. 5. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? 6. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? 7. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. 8. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate,is that a balanced diet?Don't they actually counteract each other? 9. Money talks.Chocolate sings. 10. Chocolate has many preservatives.Preservatives make you look younger. 11. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit. 12. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.An entire garment industry would be devastated. 13. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way,at least you'll get one thing done.  |  IP: Logged

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