A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of finding joy in unusual activities.

"Even the most natural and common actions can provide an immense amount of pleasure...For example, a good bowel movement can be as enjoyable as making love."

A student starts madly waving his hand and stands up when acknowledged.

TABLE OF EXCUSES TO SAVE EVERYONE'S TIME -- PLEASE USE NUMBERS

1. That's the way we've always done it.

2. I didn't know you were in a hurry for it.

3. That's not my department.

4. No one told me to go ahead.

5. I'm waiting for an O.K.

6. How did I know this was different?

7. That's his job, not mine.

8. Wait 'til the boss comes back and ask him.

9. I forgot.

10. I didn't know it was important.

11. I'm so busy, I just can't get around to it.

12. I thought you were going to do it.

13. I wasn't hired to do that.

14. Kiss my ass.

Miss DeAngelo was a none-too-bright young woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star.

She didn't find fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found herself called to testify in a divorce case.

When it was her turn on the stand, the lawyer came forward.

"Miss DeAngelo, the wife of the defendant has identified you as the 'other woman' in her husband's life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Pricerite Motel with this Mr. Evans?"

"Well, yes," acknowledged Miss DeAngelo with a sniff, "but I couldn't help it."

"Couldn't help it?" asked the lawyer derisively. "How's that?"

"Mr. Evans deceived me."

"Exactly what do you mean?"

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities.

One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.

"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."

Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up.

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?'?

As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.

The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine.

Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.

The beer scooter works in the following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone.

Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.

It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.

This generates the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'.

Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (unidentified drinking injuries).

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain.

This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain.

Every morning he went through astrange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside.

He would stare at the paper for a minute,then lock it back up.

After, he would go about his daily duties.For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love?

Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters.

He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others...

Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:
(Who sez seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar If you were agroovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get togetherand listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

An Acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations.

The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.

A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match."

The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes," he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months agomade the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ:"Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'MateMatch'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this." 3 minutes of commercials follow.

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"(touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us.Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'MateMatch'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "In the ass....."

NEW DRINK:

Girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy a
round, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply
must try.

She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two
glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.

Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold
it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.

First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.
Then he takes the lime juice.

Time: + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
Time: + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the color of fresh lime juice.
Time: + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.
Time: + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear....

Things A Guy Doesn't Want To Hear His Blind Date Say

I'm glad we have this date tonight. My boyfriend just got out of prison and I didn't really want to be alone.

Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see if my test results are in.

Before we go out, we have to get the rules straight.

..Don't worry, I've got the training sessions down to an hour if you're a good boy and pay attention.

That's odd, you sounded handsome on the phone.

Do you have to shine your bald spot, or does that glare just happen?

This is my first date since I was released from Bellevue. They think that schizo-paranoia thing was because of unresolved issues in my past lives.

By the way, why do you keep calling me Mary?

Turn here! That looks like my husband's car ahead!

You look surprised. Didn't you know I was a female impersonator?

" A holdup man came into the loan company office, ordered everyone to take off their clothes and lie face down on the floor.

One cute young secretary removed her clothes, but lay down face up.

My twenty-four-year-old bachelor son escorted me to a wedding. He appeared unaffected by the ceremony until the bride and groom lighted a single candle with their candles and then blew out their own. With that he brightened and whispered, "I've never seen that done before."

I whispered back, "You know what it means, don't you?"

It is not always easy to say the right thing on the spur of the moment. We can sympathize with the man who met an old friend after many years.

"How is your wife?"

"She is in heaven," replied the friend.

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.

A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?"

"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit.