Evans: "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."

Joe: " Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

The question

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: “What do women really want?”

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: The princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester....

In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer.

The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch.

She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: 

The old witch wanted guarantee that she would marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...

He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. 

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch gave the answer:

“What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.”

- Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom, and Gawain and the horrid ugly witch had quite a wedding!..

Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.

Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom.

What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him!

Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her, (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament:
During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

Here's how to achieve 103%.

Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future!

What makes life 100%??

If you write out the Alphabet:

A-Z and give each letter a number as followed:

A = 1
B = 2
C = 3
etc, until you get all the way to Z = 26 then,

H  A  R  D  W  O  R  K
8  1  18  4  23  15 18 11 =  only 98%

K  N  O  W  L  E  D  G  E
11 14 15 23 12 5  4   7  5 =  only 96%

But,

A  T  T  I  T  U  D  E
1  20 20 9 20 21 4  5 = 100%

However,

B  U  L  L  S  H  I  T
2  21 12 12 19 8 9 20 =  103%

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total,"says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my father was a farmer, and my son wil also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, "POOF" the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said " I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, "POOF" there was a huge wall around Afganistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

Two Bananas

Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.

The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!"

1. I've smoked bigger joints than that

2. Awe its sooooo cute

3. Who circumcised you a drunk?

4. Maybe we should stick to cuddling

5. You do know they have surgery to fix that dont you?

6. Its more fun to look at

7. You know theres a tower in italy like that?

8. Is that a night crawler?

9. Wow I just assumed that because your feet were sooooo big

10. Wheres the rest of it?

11. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger

12. Is that a mild or spicy slim jim?

13. Ewww theres an inch worm on your thigh

14. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

15. Sudden burst of laughter

16. (Pointing and giggeling)

17. My baby brothers is about that big

18. Look my barbie close fit it

19. Let me go get my tweezers

20. I know I have a magnifing glass around here somewhere

21. How sweet you brought incense

22. Are you one of those pygmies?

23. All right, A treasure hunt!!

24. I didnt know they came that small

25. Atleast this wont take long

26. But it still works right?

27. It looks so UNUSED

28. I didnt know you had 2 belly buttons

29. Oh I didnt know you were in an accident

30. Did you date Lorania Bobbitt?

31. Aww its hiding must be shy

32. If you get me real drunk first

33. Are you cold?

34. WHAT is that?

35. Were you ever nuetered?

Things Your Mother NEVER Said   

1. You're right. I'm wrong."

2. How was your date son? Did you nail her?

3. Whoa -- Get a load of the rack on that babe.

4. Look, if you can't clean out the stems and seeds properly,stay out of my stash!

5. Oh no! Not ANOTHER friggin' grandchild!

6. ...and that's when I bitch-slapped the police officer,grabbed his gun, and busted a cap in his sorry ass.

7. It's okay to say "I love you" if you just want sex. Trust me-- girls understand that.

8. I am through judging everybody and everything.

9. Not only can you go swimming after dinner, you can eat dessert in the pool also.

You know how people are always wondering how certain phrases came into being, like "Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes" and "Remember the Alamo" and so on?

A lot of people asked me where the saying "You gotta be shittin me" came from. It so happens I know.

Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. They were packed into the boats. It was extremely dark and storming furiously. The water was tossing them back and forth.

Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth. A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail. All of them felt terrible for the Corporal had been one their favorites.

An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on. After a while, Washington and his men could go no further. One of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."

They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods. What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men standing there. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.

Washington spoke up, "Mam, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while.

Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington said " Well mam, there are thirty two of us without Peters."

The year is 2021 and a man and his son are walking through New York. They come up on a bare space among the office buildings and the man sighs, saying "Son, Twenty years ago the Twin Towers stood right there."

The boy said "What were the Twin Towers, Daddy?"

"Well, son. They were two of the tallest buildings in the world. They were filled with thousands of offices and thousands of people worked there. Then one day, some Arabs flew two planes into them and brought them to the ground, destroying them." 
                      
They stood in silence a while longer before the boy looked up at his father and asked, "What's an Arab?"

New Weight Loss Program

It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories

ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending

Handy Worplace Phrases    

Some pretty 'useful' phrases you, too, can use at the workplace when truly pushed to the edge:

Recently, all the dogs were stolen from the local pound.
Police have no leads.

All the toilets were stolen from Police HQ last night.
Police have nothing to go on.

Avoiding the Crowds   

It was Christmas Eve and the judge was in a merry mood as heasked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "

Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"What?!? That's no offense," said the judge.

"How early were you doing this shopping?"

Eddie the Egg.

Last night, Eddie the Egg was arrested by police and taken to headquarters for questioning.

He's considered to be the prime suspect in the brutal beating of another egg at the farmer's market.

The other egg is expected to live, but he's in a coma as his brains have been irreversibly scrambled. At headquarters, the police could not get a confession out of Eddie.

They tried putting him in a chair under a hot light. All they accomplished was getting Eddie really boiled-up and rolling all over the place.

The police had to put him into a straight-jacket to contain him. Yet, Eddie continued to roll all over the place. 

Children's Property Laws

1) If I like it, it's mine.

2) If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3) If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4) If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5) If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6) If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7) If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

8) If I think it's mine, it's mine.

9) If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.