One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest daughter.

Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun.

The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor.

He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him.

"Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay you anything."

"Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help."

"Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman.

A seven-year-old is mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.

The preacher who lives across the street sees the beer and comes over to lecture the kid.

"Aren`t you a little young to be drinking, son?", the preacher asks.

The kid replies, "That`s nothing; I got laid when I was three."

"What?! How did that happen?"

•
Jack and Gil
went up the hill
To take a poke at Walter.
Jack went down
on Walter's Crown
and Gill came too,
Soon after.

•
Simple Simon
Broke my hymen
Going to the Fair.
I said, "Simon,"
"That's my pie, man!"
"I ain't got a slice to spare!"

•
Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner,
A knife
in his sister's thigh.
He said to the coroner,
"Though I am a mourner,"
"If you're not to eat her,"
"May I?"
•
Wee Willy Winkle
Ran through the night.
But I finally caught him
And did him right.
He screamed & squirmed
And put up a fight.
I soon found out why,
'Cause boy, was he tight!

•
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet,
Legs wide open & splayed.
When down came spider,
Who crawled up inside her
And tickled miss Muffet all day.

•
There was an old lady,
Who lived in my shoe.
When I put it on
She turned into goo.

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner grocery store and picked out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent from the shelf.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

“Oh, I'm not doing laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.”

The grocer warned “But you shouldn’t use this detergent to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it could kill him!”

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer continued to warn him.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.

The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

“Oh, he died,” the boy said.

The grocer said "I'm sorry the dog died but I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”
“Well" said the boy “ It wasn't the detergent that killed him.”

“Oh? What was it then?”

WE HAVE AN OPENING FOR YOU

A man went to apply for a job.

After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications & said, 'We have an opening for people like you.'

'Oh, great,' the man said, 'What is it?'

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business.

All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

A modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests.

One of the last tests had left his bodily system upset.

Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom, he decided the last test was another false alarm and stayed put.

Well, this time it wasn’t a false alarm and he filled his bed with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.

He started yelling, cussing, and swinging his arms wildly until the soiled sheets fell in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked "What the hell was that all about?"

One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go.

Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go too.

A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

Interviewing the young Swede for a job as teller, the bank president is amazed with the skill the applicant exhibits at handling money....

“So,” the president says, “where did you get your training?”

“Yale,” the fair-haired youth replies.

“I see. And what did you say your name was?”

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. —-Steven Wright

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."
-- Rodney Dangerfield

"My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night last night. I finally had to let her out of my room." --Henny Youngman

"Taxation without representation was tyranny, but it was a lot cheaper.” --Henny Youngman

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.

A child playing in front of his house saw him and called, "What are you hauling?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the child.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

What men say when they meet a beautiful woman...

Lawyer ................... Let's make a LEGAL relationship.

Typist ......................You're just my TYPE.

Musician ..................You make my heart skip a BEAT.

Computer Engineer ...You are my PROCESSOR.

Mason ..................... Let's CEMENT our relationship.

Coalworker .............. Please say you'll be MINE..

Executive ................ Dear! You look GORGEOUS.

Banker ................. I've got a special INTEREST in you.

Mathematician ..........Your FIGURE excites me.

Businessman ............. Let's make a DEAL.

Doctor ...................... I wish you'll be my HEART.

Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have, the longer
you live.

How long a minute is depends
on what side of the bathroom
door you're on.

Ever notice that the people who
are late are often much jollier
than the people who have to
wait for them?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't
more people happy?

Most of us go to our grave with
our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices
every day, how come nothing
is free yet?

You may be only one person
in the world, but you may also
be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much
fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from
crayons: some are sharp,
some are pretty, some are dull,
some have weird names, and
all are different colors.... but
they all have to learn to live in
the same box.

Everything should be made as
simple as possible, but no
simpler.

A truly happy person is one
who can enjoy the scenery
on a detour.

Happiness comes through
doors you didn't even know
you left open.