One Liners

Q: Why does the price of postage keep goin' up in America?
A: High cost of ammo

Q: How do you make kleenex dance?
A: You put a little 'boogie' in it.

What do women and linoleum have in common? If you lay them right, you can walk all over them for 50 years!

Q: How do you lose a Jewish cop?

A: Drive through a tollbooth!

Ringo's All-Starr Band is on the road again, and the boys on the bus include Todd Rundgren, Timmy Cappello, Gary Brooker, Jack Bruce and Simon Kirke...
... Now all they need is a drummer

Did you hear about the guy who found out he was impotent while trying to join the Mile-High Club?
He couldn't give a flying fuck

Q: Why did god give men penises?
A: So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening.

They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane.

Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten." he pleaded. 

The two social workers turned and walked away.

Q: What's the definition of a bachelor? 

A: A man who doesn't have to leave a party just when he's beginning to enjoy himself 

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Q: Do you know the scientific name for a female sex change? 

A: A Strapadicktome

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How do you catch a bra?

Set a boobie trap.

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Q: Why is sex like a bridge game? 

A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

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Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships

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Q: Why do they bury attorneys 10 feet under? 

A: Because deep down they're really good people 

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Q: How do you make an Irish guy's tongue black?

Q: How do you scare a man? 
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice

Q: Moms have Mothers Day, fathers have Fathers Day. What do single guys have? 
A: Palm Sunday

Q: Why do women close their eyes while they are having sex? 

How do you identify a bald eagle?
All of his feathers are combed to one side.

"A woman is like a teabag - yu never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water."
--Eleanor Roosevelt 

"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up." --Muhammed Ali

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The copper said, "What's he like?" to which the little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

Q: What does a bankrupt frog say? 
A: Baroke, baroke, baroke 

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road.

The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful -- slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping.

The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham. ''Right, you Jimmy,'' he shouts, ''Ah want you to masturbate!''

''But......'' stammers the driver. ''Du it now - or I'll bluddy kill yu!''

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate.

Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.

''Right!'' snarls the Highlander ''Du it agin!'' ''But.....'' says the driver. ''Now!''

So the driver does it again. ''Right laddie, du it agin!'' demands the Highlander.

This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand. ''Du it again!'' says the Highlander.

''I can't do it any more - you'll just have to kill me!'' whimpers the man.

The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside. '

Quotable Quotes

"One man that has a mind and knows it, can always beat 10 men who haven't and don't." 
--George Bernard Shaw

"Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing."
--Oscar Wilde

"Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats."
-- Howard Aiken

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.

After a while a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together."

"How dare you," said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"

Deja new...

Deja moo:
The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Deja gnu:
The feeling that you've seen this animal before.

Deja phew:
Feeling that you've smelled this scent before.

Short Jokes

"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?"  

What do Martin Luther King Jr., George Washington, and Thomas Jefferson have in common?

They were all born on holidays.
 
How many Chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?

All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked.

The alarmed host rushed to intercept her.

"Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.

"This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam."

"Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a penis!"

This guy that continually gains weight and is very sick and fat.

He is always eating turkey right from the refrigerator.

It keeps making him sicker and fatter but he just can't seem to stop.

His friends and family worry about him but he keeps on with his addiction.

Finally, after years of sickness, he stops and loses a lot of weight and looks great.

His friends ask him how he did it.

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving all over the road.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that.

I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either, I’m a hemophiliac. . If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well then, we need a urine sample.""I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"