WORDS THAT DON'T EXIST, BUT REALLY SHOULD

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

My sex life is so bad ...

… that when I called one of those phone sex lines, a voice came on and said, "Not tonight. I have an earache."

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At Mississippi State University, they've found another use for sheep.
A: Wool

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Q: Why are Walruses and Tupperware alike?
A: They both like tight seals.

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Q: What single word might you say to Bo Derek that would really piss her off?
A: Urinate

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The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Pull it out!!!

I am sure you can imagine, it's as simple as can be.
A place like Piccadilly, the players he and she.
She whispers, "Will it hurt me?"
"Of course not," answers he.
"It's a very simple process, you can rely on me."

She says "I'm rather frightened,
I've not done it before.
But still I think I'll like it,
when it's over not before.
He started to convince her,
it would not hurt a bit.
So finally she consented,
and so he started it.

It was ten minutes later,
neither spoke a word. I
t was she who broke the silence,
her voice was rather slurred.
"It's getting rather painful,"
the tears were in her eyes.
"It's loosened quite a bit,
it must be quite a size."

"Now calm yourself my dear,"
his face betrayed a grin. "
Just a little wider,
so I can get it in."
"It's coming" he told her, "
I know" she said in bliss.
He said "You'll feel more comfortable,
when I've finished this."

From a passenger cruise ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed.

One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole.

The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.

"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."

The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."

"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy,

I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy.

When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head!

So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."

The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer:

"I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"

CHEAP PICKUP LINES!

I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long. Nice legs...what time do they open?

Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

Hey baby, why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that POPS up. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any Questions?

Screw me if I'm wrong but is your name Helga?

My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw ya.

Q. How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
A. Wait 10 seconds

Q. If you love a Redhead, set her free ...
A. If she follows you everywhere you go,
Pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital.
She's yours.

Q. What's safer: a redhead or a piranha?
A. The piranha. They only attack in schools.

Q. How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?
A. She has scratched "stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails.

Q. What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
A. Normal

Q. What does a redhead, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A redhead!

Q. How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
A. She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl

Q. How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
A. There's a hammer embedded in the monitor

Q. What's safer: a redhead or a piranha?
A. The piranha. They only attack in schools.

Q. How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
A. She unties you.

Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way.
The other is to let her have it.

"The young army doctor was stationed at a remote dispensary in the South Pacific.

One day he was puzzled about treatment for one of his patients.

He radioed a base hospital: 'Have case of beriberi. What shall I do?'

A prankster got hold of the message.

The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there is no conspiracy.

Nobody's out to get you. Nobody gives a shit whether you live or die.

There, you feel better now?
---Dennis Miller

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What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?

- A tearjerker.

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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

A man sits down at a table in the local diner of a small southern town.

A buck toothed waitress comes to take his order.

"How do you prepare your chicken before cooking them?" he inquires

A guy is sitting at the bar all alone when he hears, "Nice shirt."

He looks around but sees no one.

He takes a sip of his beer, and then hears, "Nice haircut."

He calls the bartender down and says, "I thought I was alone here and somebody just said 'nice haircut' and 'nice shirt'.

Who's voice am I hearing?"

During the wedding reception in the family mansion, the bride’s Grandfather slipped her a $500 bill which she concealed in her glove, since he told her to keep it for “mad money”.

By tradition, the couple spent their first night together in the historic house.

Later the bride’s Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs. "Where are you goin?".

“I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it’s important that I have them.”

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and draped a banner across their building that read:

“Our Staff will stuff your Stiff.”

Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with this banner:

DO RE MI BEER

by Homer J. Simpson.

DOUGH... the stuff... that buys me beer...

RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...

ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,

FAR..... the distance to my beer

SO...... I think I'll have a beer...

LA...... La la la la la la beer

TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...

That will bring us back to...

(Looks into an empty glass)