Bad Habits 

A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building.

The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another. 

The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"

"Four."

"How long have you been smoking?"

"Thirty years."

"That's over six thousand packs. If you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."

The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"

"Never."

"Do you own this building?"

"No."

Definitions:

DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.

FIBER: Edible wood pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood pulp.

MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.

MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.

LAWYER:A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; thus considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.

STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete

Two old friends meet passing on the street one day.

But one looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears.

His friend asked, "What had the world done to you, my old friend?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That's not bad."

"But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

"Sounds like you should be grateful..."

"You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

Now he was really confused. "Then, how come you look so glum?"

Actual School Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Hilarious Signs

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555.

Would you mind telling me why you don't like room 502?" asked the clerk.

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.

The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine.

He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time Fix It Again, Tony!

FORD
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of Research & Development
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. & Ron`s DNA
backwards -> Driver Returns On Foot

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man`s Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One, Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing`s Dr And Inexpensive

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buck`s Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

Glass Pants

A man saw a sign in a clothing store which said "We sell everything!"

The guy walked up to the clerk and asked her for some glass pants.

The woman replied, "Sorry sir we don't sell those."

The man argued that the sign stated that the store sold everything.

The woman remarked that glass pants did not even exist...

The man went to his home, and came back to the store wearing a pair of glass pants.

The man said triumphantly, "See, I told you, I told you that they existed, and here’s the proof!"

WOMEN'S T-SHIRT SAYINGS

Guys have feelings too. But who cares?

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a motorcycle.

The officer says, "Pull over", and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.

He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?".

The officer looks at him with a hint of caution, and says, "No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back".

Short ones

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

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Q. Why can't you circumcise an Iraqi?

A. There's just no end to those pricks.

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Q. What do you call a Florida gynecologist?

A. A spreader of old wives' tails...

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Q. Whats worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?

GENERATIONS

Its 1956 - a Mom tells her son " Son I want you to come straight home!!" ....time passes....
Its 1998 - another Mom is talking to her son " Son please come home straight!!"

Priests should really be allowed to marry... Until then, they'll never know what hell is really like

Always remember: Single people die young. So if you want a long slow death, get married.

While giving a physical, the doctor noticed that his patient's shins were covered with dark, savage bruises.

"Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey or soccer?"

After a long day of listening to a Texan brag, a New Yorker decided to show the Texan the Empire State Building.

When the Texan but down New York's well-know landmark by saying "Heck, that's nothing.

In Texas, we have outhouses bigger than that!"

HERE AND THERE

As part of the settlement of a recent tobacco lawsuit, all cigarette ads must be removed from Times Square. But don't worry folks, it's still okay to smoke crack there. (O'Brien)

Woody Allen said in interviews that after so many years of seeing a psychiatrist, he's stopped. Well, you know... if you've been getting therapy most of your life and you end up marrying your daughter... it's obvious it's not working... (Leno)

A man in Kenya has reportedly found a way to make paper our of elephant dung. You've heard of number 2 pencils? Well... this will be number 2 paper. (Leno)

In a related story, Italian researchers say they've invented a car that runs on human waste. That means we could be stopping at Taco Bell for both food and gas.

According to the British medical journal the Lancet, people on Valium are 300% more likely to be in car wrecks. The good news is, they don't care! (Leno)