A young man has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late.

The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"

"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"

"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

"Okay, boss."

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella.

The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

"What's up? - you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters: There's a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast - and above all, get some good shots.

If that means you have to hire an airplane, do it.

Don't worry about the expense. So, the reporter calls the local FBO & orders a plane.

He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot: Let's go, take off. As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him: See that fire raging to the west?

I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can. Incredulous, the pilot says: You want me to fly over that fire? Sure, the reporter says, I am a photojournalist and that's why I am here--to take dramatic shots of the fire!

THE EARRING This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense.

"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Oh, yeah, sure," says Bob sheepishly.

"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"

Johnny, Kurt and Jim (The Guys) are at the Saigon Passion strip joint.

The girl is shaking her stuff in front of them wearing a G-string.

Johnny (showing off) pulls out a $20 bill, licks it and sticks it on her butt cheek.

Kurt (trying to show up Johnny) pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it on her other butt cheek.

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.

Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.

Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.

The policemen stopped traffic and then recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

...."I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver,... "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket"

Amazed to hear this, the startled driver asks Why?

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered, “Sorry, sir, but you are allowed only one seat.“

The man moaned but didn’t budge.

Sir, If you don’t move, I’ll have to call the manager” said the usher loudly.

The man moaned again but stayed where he was.

The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several failed attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.

A cop came and looked at the reclining man and said. “All right, what’s your name, buddy?”

“Joe,” he mumbled.

“And where are you from, Joe?”

Nancy goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.
He says, “You have acute vaginitis”

She says, “Thank you”

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

FIGHTING FOR PEACE IS LIKE SCREWING FOR VIRGINITY.

A penny saved may be a penny earned
but it’s a waste of a deposit slip & it really pisses off the tellers.

How do they know all the Tickle Me Elmo dolls are males?
Before they leave the factory they give them all “Two Test Tickles”!!

19. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

18. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

17. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and
not you.

16. Don't piss me off. I'm running out of Places to hide the
bodies.

15. You're depriving some poor village of its idiot.

14. All men are animals. Some just make better pets.

13. Some people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.

12. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

11. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

10. All men are idiots. I married their king.

9. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

8. I took an I.Q. test and the results were negative.

7. Friends help you move. Best friends help you move bodies.

6. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

5. Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else.

4. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

3. I used to have a handle on life but it broke.

2. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you got.

and the #1 bumper sticker of the week...

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: “What are you doing here today?”

Woman: “Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it.”

Man: “Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.”

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment. They chatted before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: “Hi ! Here to donate blood again?”

One day, a Mexican was peacefully resting on a side road with his horse in Texas, when suddenly a man walks up & inquires about the horse:

“Hey, I’ll give you $50 for your horse; if your willing to sell it to me.”

The Mexican say “no, he no look so good.”

But the man keeps insisting because he has taken quite liking for the horse,
“O.K. I’ll give you $100 for the horse then!

Again the Mexican replies, “no sir, he no look so good.”

The man really wants the horse so he offers the Mexican $200.

Finally the Mexican says, “O.K. but he no look so good.”

Satisfied, the man mounts the horse and goes happily on his way.

Several minutes later the Mexican sees the man who bought the horse coming towards him all beaten up, with bruises and blood all over him.

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar.

The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender says “What in the world happened to you, buddy?”

The guy says “Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and called her a two-bit whore.”

“Yeah,” says the bartender “What’d she do?”

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to
your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck.'"

Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

10 Signs That A Kid Is A Nerd

10. Likes people that opress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures.

9. Is overly enthusiastic about 'Dungeons and Dragons' and other role playing games.

8. Very familiar with mega-hurtz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture.

7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up.

6. Says 'Whom' instead of 'Who.'

5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they can continue with their learning.

4. Prefers NPR to any music.

3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about.

2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game.

Three travellers, an American, a Russian and an African, were all on a world tour in a hot air balloon. The Russian man puts his hand over the side and feels into the clouds.

"Aaah!" he said, "We're right over my homeland." "How can you tell?" asked the American. "I can feel the cold air" he replied.

A few days later the African man put his hand over the side into the clouds. "Aaah, we're right over my homeland" he said. "How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the Desert."