What Does This Say?

OPPORTUNITYISNOWHERE

Did you read it as "Opportunity is nowhere" or  "Opportunity is now here?"

The Top 17 Rejected Titles for the Movie “Twister”

17. “Totally Gone With The Wind”

16. “Lift and Separate”

15. “Boys on the Side — Of My Barn”

14. “Summer Film So Full of Special Effects We Couldn’t Fit in the Plot”

13. “The Weather Channel: The Movie”

12. “Schindler’s Twist”

11. “Field of Debris”

10. “Dead Man Flying”

9. “I, Cumulus”

8. “One House Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”

7. “The Splintered Bridges of Madison County”

6. “Wizard of Oz II: The Search For Toto”

5. “Killer Genuine Draft”

4. “Four Weddings & A Funnel”

3. “Indiana Jones and the Trailer Park of Doom”

2. “A Funnel Thing Happened On The Way To The Farm”

The Top 19 Rejected Breakfast Cereal Ideas

19. Beerios

18. Kevorkian Krispies

17. Honeymoon Nuts

16. Chernobyl Charms

15. Eboli-O’s

14. Cap’n Crack

13. Kellogg’s Ganja Puffs

12. Lucky Tabs O’ Acid

11. Colostomy Crunch

10. Phil Graham Crackers

9. Fruit & Fabio

8. Look Again — Them Ain’t Raisins_

7. Post-Modern Toasties and Rococo Puffs

6. Limbaugh Logs

5. Kellogg’s “None of Your Dam Business”

4. Special AK47

3. UnaBran

2. Nut ‘N’ Bitch

"I had the toughest time of my life.

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.

Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.

I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

Ray and Randy were riding the New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Randy adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Ray, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a five, and gladly hands it to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him profusely and continues on to the other passengers.

Randy is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on EARTH did you do that for???" shouts Randy.

"You know he's only going to use it on booze!!!"

Actual Political Quotes:

"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job"
George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

"This is a great day for France!"
-Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'"
-George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh...setbacks." -George Bush

"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
-Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland." -William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." -George Bush

"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at."
-George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed."
-Ronald Reagan

"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed."
-Ronald Reagan

Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.
Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.
-George Bush, and Walter Mondale on the Alaska pipeline

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.

"Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.

"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"

"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"

"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself.

What is the definition of nothing?

"What apartment, lady?"

She said, "4 Q."

ALIEN ENCOUNTER

When his spaceship was struck by a meteor, the alien was forced to land on Earth. Walking around, he approached Hymie's Deli and saw bagels in the window; smiling, he hurried inside.

"Sir," he said in halting English, "I wonder if I might buy two wheels for my spacecraft."

Hymie had no idea what the extraterrestrial was talking about until he pointed a spindly green finger at the bagels in the window.

"Oh, no...no," grinned Hymie, "those aren't wheels...those are bagels."

Not certain that he'd made himself clear, "Sir, I would like to buy two of those wheels for my spacecraft."

Hymie's good humor began to waver. "Lissen, greenie, I said those are *bagels*. They're for eating."

Still smiling, the alien said, "Sir, I would like to buy two of those wheels for my spacecraft."

Getting angry now, Hymie turned and pulled a bagel from the bin, handed it to the alien, and told him to taste it.

So doing, the little green man looked at Hymie and nodded.

Who's This Ben Guy?

Decker wasn't the brightest guy in the world, and his coworkers were continually ribbing him at the factory.

One in particular, Gus, would greet him each morning and precipitate this exchange:

"Say, Decker, you seen Ben?"

"Ben, who?"

"Ben' down and kiss my ass!"

Tired of falling for the same joke day after day, Decker confided in his more worldly brother, who said, "Listen. Next time you see this guy, ask him if he's seen Eileen. He'll ask, 'Eileen who?' and you say, 'I lean over and you kiss my butt!'"

Memorizing his lines, Decker went to the work early to wait for Gus. As soon as the bully arrived, Decker ran over.

"Hey Gus, you seen Eileen?"

"No," Gus answered, "she ran off with Ben."

Guy goes to the Patents Office with some designs. 

He tells the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle".

Clerk: Oh yes, what do you call it?

Inventor: A fottle.

Clerk: That's a silly name, can’t you think of something else?

Inventor: I'll think about it,.. I've got something else here, a folding carton.

Clerk: And what do you call that?

Inventor: A farton.

Clerk: That's rude, you can't possibly use that name.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.

The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.

Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening.

Andy was a model inmate.

One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.

To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help. "But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.

Men and women are different in the morning.

The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.

The women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' 

Taxiing down the runway, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"