1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notifications.

3. No male can possilby know all the rules. Nearly all females are born with this knowledge.

4. If the female suspects the male knows the rules she may immediately change some or all the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding, which is the direct result of a male having said or done something wrong.

7. If rule #6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male can never change his mind without the express written consent of a female.

11. The female has every right to be upset or angry at any time.

12. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she want him to be angry or upset.

A female's version of a nice dinner:

1. He pickes you up in his car.

2. You go to a movie that you wanted to see forever.

3. You go over to his house, and have a goof candle light dinner that he cooked, and then he cleaned up.

4. You rent a major chick flick movie, and watch it with him, cuddling on the couch.

5. He drives you home.

6. Walks you to the door, you give his a sweet little peck, and go in the house.

7. He leaves, and goes home.

===================================================

A male's version of a nice dinner:

1. After he picks you up in a car, you go to a movie.

2. You make out in the movie theater.

3. You go to his house, eat pizza, have sex on the table after you eat.

4. You rent a movie, and watch it.

5. During the movie, you have sex on the couch.

6. He drives you home, you have sex in the car.

7. You walk to the porch, have sex on the porch.

8. Both of you go into her house, and have sex on her bed.

9. Then you have sex with her parents.

Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?

He has

an Adam's Apple that isn't an apple...
Two Calves that will never become cows...
A Nose Bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...
A Roof of the Mouth that won't cover anything...
Twenty Nails that won't hold a board...
A Chest that won't hold linen...
Two Tits that won't give milk...
Two Buns that won't feed anyone...
A Belly button that won't button...
Two Balls that won't roll...
An Ass that won't pull a plow...
An Organ that won't play music...
A Cock that won't crow...

And what are YOU laughing about?

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada, and started to chew it.

He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man.

Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires?
Canadian: We send em to France to get turned into paper plates.

French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send em to France to
get turned into a gold ring.

A man walks into a barbershop with a seven-year old boy. "I'll take two haircuts", he says.

The man goes first, and gets his hair buzzed. Then it comes time for the boy.

The man says, "Okay, I'm going to go to the store next door, and I'll be back when my son is done."

The barber nods his head, and begins cutting the boy's hair. Fifteen minutes later, the barber is finished, but the man is nowhere to be seen.

Twenty minutes pass, then thirty, but still, the man isn't back.

"Where is your father?" asks the barber.

If I only knew...

BEFORE I CAME TO COLLEGE I

- that it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class I'd sleep right through it.

- that I would change so much and barely realize it.

- that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.

- that college kids throw airplanes, too.

- that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you're so dressed up.

- that every clock on campus shows a different time.

- that if you were smart in highschool - so what?

- that I would go to a party the night before a final.

- that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put together.

- that you can know everything and fail a test.

- that you can know nothing and ace a test.

- that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roomie.

- that home is a great place to visit.

- that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes.

- that friendship is more than getting drunk together.

- that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about.

- that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50.

- that Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.

- that psychology is really biology, biology is really chemistry,
chemistry is really physics, and physics is really math.

- that it is a really good idea to go places alone.

- that it's possible to be alone even when you're surrounded by friends.

- that friends are what makes this place worthwhile!

- don't be dismayed at goodbyes.

There were three immigrant people. Ching, Tom, and Joe.

Ching went to a restaurant and learned the words forks and knives from a person who asked for his forks and knives.

Tom went to a cash register and learned the word yes from a lady who was asked "Do you want your items bagged?"

Joe went to a candy store and learned the word Goody Goody gumdrop from a kid who asked his mom for candy, she said yes, and he said Goody Goody Gumdrop!
Hooray!

They are walking home together talking in Spanish of what they learned today. They saw a dead guy on the floor and a policeman came buy because he heard of a killing right where Ching, Tom, and Joe were standing.

The policeman asks, "Did you kill this man?" Tom, saying the only word he knew in English said, "Yes."

Then the policeman said, "With what?" Then Ching, saying the only words he knew in English said, "Forks and Knives."

Then the policeman said, "You are going to jail!"

The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which
Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts. Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio
anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close
the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't,you will be."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

Head Stone

Four brothers got together to figure out what to put on their mother's tombstone, for she had just passed away.

She had been married four times--to a banker, a musician, a minister, and anundertaker.

After thinking hard, they came up with this phrase:

A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Steve replies, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don.
They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these God-awful women.

Sports stars aren't exactly the most intelligent people in the world. See why with these quotes.

"Our similarities are different."

"Sutton lost 13 games in a row without winning a ballgame."

"It's not so much maturity as it is growing up."

"I've got a great repertoire with my players."

"Three things are bad for you. I can't remember the first two, but donuts are the third."

"There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them."

"Tony Gwynn was named Player of the Year for April."

"I just talked to the doctor. He said that her contraptions were an hour apart."

"Noah." [player asked to name his favorite Mariner]

"His reputation preceeded him before he got there."

"He slides into a second with a stand-up double."

"Not true at all. Vaseline is manufactured right here in the USA." [player accused of doctoring baseballs with a foreign substance]

"You have to be stupid, and this works out well for me."

"I'm going to cancel my prescription." [player criticized in a Boston paper]

A young fireman placed a ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house and rushed up.

Inside was a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie.

"Aha," he said, "you're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"

"But I'm not pregnant," the brunette indignantly exclaimed.

There were three men around a fire, a Cowboy a Mexican and an
Indian. 

The Indian stands up and says we were once many but now we are few. 

The Mexican stands up and says we were once few and now we are many.