The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''

The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date
the following Saturday evening. Saturday night the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy.

To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and
mom is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a
match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

Ten minutes later, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the ongoings earlier in the living room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "No, it's not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. First your mother jumps from
her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and
places a match stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.

The man can't believe her casual response.

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.

Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked
by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight attendants couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and
his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about."

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.

Surgeon General Solves Economic Problems

I have always had sympathy for those afflicted with the tobacco habit.

That is, I've always had it during the last nine days since I gave up the filthy weed myself. And with my head cleared of fumes and my blood of nicotine poison, I've been able to give some thought to this problem.

I've calculated the average cigarette smoker spends $750 a year on his vice- enough to buy a wardrobe, or a comfortable chair, or a nice holiday. All of these go up in smoke.

Calculating still further with my new clarity of mind, I discover that in 30 years the average smoker spends $22,500. In other words, If I had sworn off 30 years ago I would now have the price of high-class automobile, or a trip abroad, or a down payment on a house.

I have heard the economic problems of our time explained in many different ways, but their real cause has been totally overlooked. If there were no tobacco, the average family (since both men and women are slaves to the weed) would have something over $125 a month more to spend on groceries, rent or furniture.

Our whole living standard would improve. In short, after nine days of reformation I can see that our civilization is not dying from poverty, nuclear waste, but of tobacco

It is smoking itself to death. How can we possibly see the solution of our larger problems when our eyes are blinded with smoke? As I say, it is nine days since I first grasped these truths.

A part from the fact that I have felt sick the whole time, have been unable to work, have been unfit to live with, have lost the affections of my family, insulted my friends and hoped on rising every morning that I would die before night - apart from that, these have been the happiest days of my life.

I am free at last, and as I swore off for one month, I still have 21 days of freedom left before I am plunged back into slavery again.

A blind man walks into a drug store with his seeing eye dog.

He takes the dogs leash & starts swinging it around & around his head.

The druggist says "May I help you?"

A truck driver sits down in a diner and orders dinner.

When the waitress brings his plate, he notices that she has got her thumb in his mashed potatoes.

He says, "Hey, you've got your thumb in my mashed potatoes."

The waitress replies, "The doctor said I have arthritis and I should keep my thumb warm."

The truck driver says, "Well, you dumb bitch, why don't you stick your thumb up your butt!"

There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets
invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to
wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress
company to explain the problem.

A few days later, he receives a parcel with a note, "Please find
enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just
emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter
of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, "Our
apologies... please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe
will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you will
really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed, since they have gone from
emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. The
appalled man writes the company a very rude letter of complaint.

To whom it may concern:

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

-I do physical labour
-I work at great depths
-I plunge headfirst into everything I do
-I do not get weekends off or public holidays
-I work in a damp environment
-I don't get paid overtime
-I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
-I work in high temperatures
-My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

-You do not work 8 hours straight
-You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
-You do not always follow the orders of the management team
-You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit
other areas
-You do not take initiative-you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working
-You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
-You don't always observe necessary safety wearing the correct
protective clothing
-You'll retire well before 65
-Your unable to work double shifts
-You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have
completed the day's work
-And if that were at all. You have been seen entering and
leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags

sincerely

Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

Perfect Wife -

I`ve found the woman of my dreams,
and who could ask fore more.
She`s deaf and dumb and oversexed,
and owns a liquor store.

What Advertisements Really Mean

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.

LESS FATTENING - Now doesn't have the same fat content as pig
stomach lining.

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

NON-REFUNDABLE - We couldn't make it work long enough to ship it.

On a six day-five night cruise in the islands, a young college student set out to find someone to bed down with.

Then one night the ship got caught in the worst nautical storm ever seen. The young college student fell over-board and swam for his life....

....The next day he found himself on a deserted island, but next to him washed up on the beach was Cindy Crawford, who also was on the ship.

After months of no rescue, nature took course and the two started to have sex and fell deeply in love. After a year or so, Cindy found the ex-college student leaning up against a tree,

"What is wrong sweetheart, didn't I please you last night?" asked Cindy.

The student said, "No, that is not it." "Then what, Honey, I'll do anything to make you happy."

"You will!" He then asked Cindy to put on a pair of men's slacks that washed up on the shore, she obliged.

Then he asked her to put on a men's button-up shirt and a baseball cap, making sure that she tucked her hair up under the cap.

She obliged, but this time she had to ask: "What is this all about?"

The student then told her to lean up against the tree and pretend not to know him.

He walked up behind her, then next to her, after a little small talk between the two "strangers", the student said:

Well Done

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger.

The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"

The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"

Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and tosses it on the grill.

The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!"