A soldier serving overseas, far from home, was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asked for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying.....

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it!

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

What's in a name ?

A lot more than you think.

Here's your chance to learn what his pet name for you really means. Don't say we didn't warn you !!

Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.

Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expecthim to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of ovaltine to lager.

Sweetheart -- If it's said patronisingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in ernest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.

Babe -- Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.

Baby doll -- This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead ofwinter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.

Princess -- Never trust a man who calls you princess.You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings - they may be secretly plotting your overthrow.

Memsahib -- At least you're in no doubt as to who wears the trousers in this relationship. Who said that colonisation was dead ?

Luv -- Expect him to be a builder, plumber, chippie, sparkie or just an all round general geezer. Probably calls everyone else this too, including his dear mum, the vicar and the pet dog.

Fatty -- No problem if you're thin. If you're not - kick him out - unless he exceeds 40 stone himself.

Sexy -- Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway !!

Dog breath -- Charming !! He should be in the dog house if this is his pet name for you. Return the compliment -serve him a dog food curry.

Farty pants -- He could be trying to tell you something about your digestive system - otherwise he's just a big kid who prefers his mates' humour to you.

Slapper -- Great as a jokey term of affection. But if he means it perhaps you should be more careful who you bring home at night - especially if you live together !!

Stupid cow -- The only farmyard animal you should accept the likeness to are duckie, lambikins and chickie. And you're not stupid, so put him out to graze....And behind your back.

My girlfriend -- He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!!

The wife -- If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.

My other half -- You complete the set - he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.

The missus -- See The Wife.My partner -- He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.

My significant other -- He's even more right on.Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.'er indoors -- He probably thinks all you're good at is housework. You should get out a bit more - with your real friends !!

She who must be obeyed -- He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house.

Her nibs -- Affectionate term for an authoritarian. You insisted that he called you that. Didn't you ?I

If you are a guy reading this, then think again when you are just about to call her a pet name.

If you are a girl reading this, then don't take it too seriously, it's only a bit of fun

Just give him a slap, that normally does the trick.

Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over.  This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him,  "What the heck is wrong with you?"

The reply is,  "I got this in the war.

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.

The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times.

So Fred asks him,  "What the heck is wrong with you?"

Again the answer is,  "I got this in the war."

Fred moves.

The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand.

Fred says,  "Let me guess, you got that in the war."

Those of you who grew up in a small town will laugh when you read this.

Those of you who didn't will be in disbelief...but trust me; every one of these is true...

1.. You can name everyone you graduated with.

2.. You know what 4-H is.

3.. You even went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.

4.. You used to drag "main".

5.. You said the "F" word and your parents knew within the hour.

6.. You scheduled parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.

7.. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough they'd tell your parents anyhow).

8.. When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy,you still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.

9.. It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.

10.. The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

11.. You don't give directions by street names or directions but by references...turn by Nelson's house, go to 2 blocks east to Anderson's,and it's four houses left of the track field.)

12.. The golf course had only 9 holes.

13.. You can't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

14.. Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.

15.. The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is actually just like your town.

16.. You refer anyone with a house newer then 1980 as the "rich people".

17.. The people in the "big city" dress funny then you pick up the trend 2 years later.

18.. Anyone you want can be found at the local gas station or the town bar.

19.. You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of your friends drives a grain truck to school occasionally.

20.. The gym teacher suggests you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

21.. Directions are given using THE stop light as a reference.

22.. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask you if you want a ride somewhere.

23.. Your teachers call you by your older sibling's names.

24.. Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.

25.. You can charge at all the local stores or write checks without any ID.

26.. The closest McDonalds is 45 miles away (or more).

27.. The closest mall is over an hour away.

28.. It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawnmower.

The mistress of a big English house called her Irish maid and pointed out the dust still on top of the piano.

"Mary," she said, "I could write my name in this dust".

It was the wise custom at the retirement home to pair the old couples, and then send them out for dinner and a movie, or other entertainment.

This one night, John who was 84, was paired with Jill who was 86.

A few hours later, Jill returned to the Home and was she angry!

"What happened that you should be so upset, Jill?", the attendant asked her.

"Coming back with that silly old man John, I had to slap him three times while we were riding back in the cab."

"Oh that's terrible...and at his age too. John ought to be ashamed of himself, making passes at you."

"Passes???", Jill said, "he didn't make passes.

A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"

So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates. She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair,.... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."

A guy is sitting in the Electric chair awaiting execution.

The warden pulls the switch, but nothing happens, he pulls it again and still nothing happens, he pulls it a third time, and still nothing happens.

He calls the Governor in and explains what has happened.

The Governor turns to the prisoner and tells him "Under he state law, if after the third attempt the chair fails to work, I have no option other than to release you".

With that the prisoner gets up and leaves the prison a free man.

The Governor turns to the Warden and angrily tells him to get an Electrician in to fix the chair.

The Electrician arrives, and after some twenty minutes of reviewing the situation he says to the Warden "Do you know who wired this chair originally?.

"No" replies the Warden, "Why?".

Once there was a Scottish Accountant.

The business had been in the family for generations and generations.

Over time, with the countless clients that had gone in and out of the office, the marble step in front of the building had developed a big, deep dip in it from all the wear and tear.

His friends kept telling the accountant that he had better get it replaced, otherwise he'd be sued for everything he had if anyone ever spilled and fell.

Reluctantly, the accountant called a stone mason to get a quote for the repairs. When the stonemason got there the accountant demanded a price for a new step.

"Aye, big job that", said the stone mason, "But I suppose I could give you a new step for a hundred pounds".

The accountant was stunned, "Are you daft, man. I canna pay you a hundred pounds!

Thinking about it for a second he turned to the stone mason and asked, "What would you charge me to dig up the step and turn it over so that the worn part is in the ground and I'd get a new square step?

"The stonemason hesitated. "20 pounds".

"Do it!" demanded the accountant, "and call me when you're done."

The accountant went back inside to his books, but after only 15 minutes the stone mason rang the bell.

A woman dropped by a gift wrap shop and asked the young lady behind the counter to wrap a package she had just bought at the department store.

An hour later, the woman returned to find the store was packed with customers.

Nevertheless, she got her box and started home.

About a week later, the woman returned to the store, livid. She screamed at the lady, "You idiot! You gave me the wrong package! I had no idea what to say to my best friend when I gave her a man's shirt for a wedding gift!"

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there?

All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.""Scripture?" replied the burglar.

Q. What is the difference between stress and tension?

WHOSE JOB IS IT?

This is a story about 4 people named EVERYBODY, SOMEBODY, ANYBODY and NOBODY.

There was an important job to be done and EVERYBODY was asked to do it.

EVERYBODY was sure that SOMEBODY would do it.

ANYBODY could have done it but NOBODY did it.

SOMEBODY got angryabout that because it was EVERYBODY's job.

EVERYBODY thought that ANYBODY did it.

But NOBODY realized that EVERYBODY wouldn't do it.