A man walks into a pub and, with the most sorry look on his face, pleads to the bartender;

"Look, my wife has left me, I've been fired, I've just been mugged for all my money, and I'm desperate for a drink. Can you help me out??"

I have a reputation for not being a fantastic cook.

One evening I worked particularly hard on a new recipe, and once again it didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped.

My son, always sweet and conscious of my feelings,

chose his words carefully after the meal.

Seeing my 11-year-old son perusing a website filled with photos of Britney Spears, I commented, "She certainly is pretty. Which picture do you like best?"

"I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls. "I'm just reading about her."

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant.

The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.

I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.

I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding.

On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.

I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.

I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.

The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

Little Leroy's birthday was coming up, and he told his mother he wanted a bike. Litte Leroy was a bit of a trouble maker. Mama asked him if he thought he deserved a bike. She sent him to his room to think about his behavior the last year, then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike.

Letter 1: Dear God: I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.Leroy knew that wasn't true. So he tore up the letter
and started over.

Letter 2; Dear God: I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.Leroy.

Leroy knew he couldn't send this letter to God either.

So he wrote a third letter. Letter3: God: I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday please. Thank you.

Leroy knew, even if it were true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now he was upset. He went downstairs and told Mama he wanted to go to church.
Mama thought her plan had worked! "Just be home in time for dinner"

Leroy walked to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone else was there. He was alone, and bent down and picked up a statute of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under his shirt, and ran back home.

Bottom 50 Baseball Teams

1. The Roswell Probers

2. The Washington, DC Special Interest Lobbyers

3. The Bangkok Cock-Bangers

4. The Appalachia Kissin' Kuzzins

5. The Las Vegas Showgirls

6. The Cambridge Fancy Pants

7. The Montana Unabombers

8. The Anaheim Nazi Stormtroopers of Death and Destruction

9. The Long Island Iced Teas

10. The Cambodia Killing Fields

11. The Motor City Recalls

12. The Santa Monica Star-Fuckers

13. The Mithathippi Lithspers

14. The Boca Raton Incontinents

15. The Idaho Separatist Scofflaws

16. Salt Lake City Unshaven Bigamists

17. The Fort Lauderdale Melanomas

18. The Connecticut Whiteys

19. The Lancaster Butter-Churners

20. The Butte Fudgers

21. The Hollywood Sacks of Saline

22. The Kansas City Oppressed Indigenous Peoples

23. The Austin Lethal Injectors

24. The Wellesley Muffdivers

25. The Fire Island Fellatists

26. The Seattle Onanists

27. The AOL-Time Warner Sopranos

28. The Phoenix Heatstrokes

29. The Denver Crib Deaths

30. The San Quentin Salad Tossers

31. The Dallas Perm Rods

32. The Tennessee Black Lungs

33. The Reno Chancres

34. The Las Vegas Gold Diggers

35. The Wall Street Sill Jumpers

36. The Silicon Valley Downturns

37. The South Beach Man Thongs

38. The Easthampton Trophy Wives

39. The Idaho Tater Humpers

40. The Sun Valley Viagras

41. The Sigma Chi Morning Afters

42. The Hershey Highwaymen

43. The Albuquerque Stoners

44. The Midwest Plumpers

45. The Manhattan Pithy Ironists

46. The Milwaukee Brewers

47. The Brooklyn Fuck You Pals

48. The Chicago Projects

49. The Montreal Frogs

An urban youth was asked to do a simple homework assignment. Befuddled by the whole school thing, he was given a set of vocabulary words to use in sentences. Here's what he handed in:

1. HONOR ROLL - We was playin' poker on the stoop the other day, and man, I was HONOROLL.

2. PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

3. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little."

4. OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

5. STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

6. MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, "Gimme one MOBILE."

7. DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

8. AFRO - I got so mad at my bitch, AFRO a lamp at her.

9. AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.

10. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

11. DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

12. KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

13. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

14. DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA boy!"

15. COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, "COPULATE!"

16. FASCINATE - My girly's boobies are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE.

17. BEWARE - I axed the man at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get a job?"

18. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome... and not DIMENSION hung like a horse.

19. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM."

There are only three lies that Texan's tell:

1. My pick-up is paid for.

2. My horse has never thrown me.

Rated PG or R A Nun's Story

A young nun and an old nun hop on their bikes and go out riding through the streets of Rome.

On one particular street in the oldest part of town, the young nun looks over to the old nun and says, "I've never come this way before."

One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil-covered chocolate candy coins).

There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.

The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's this?"

The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son."

To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"

With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are NOT for children, young man."

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.

"Who never talks back to mother?

Who does everything she says?"

When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs, I paid by check as usual.

A couple of weeks later I came home from work to find my fiancee quite upset.

She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him . . . what?

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.

He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off toget one.

They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him.

When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa.

They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.

This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format.

Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."