"I think you mean spermicide," says the cashier.

To put a bad work day in perspective, read this poor guys story about the work he does and what happened to him. This is really good.

Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one). Anyway...anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office remember this guy!

April 1998

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share
my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm
is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps
it down to the diver through a garden hose that is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to
burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the
medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire
out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut.

I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.

Three guys from a mental institution were introducing themselves.

The first guy says, "Hi, my name is Paul, from the Bible."

The second guys says, "My name is Moses, God gave me the 10 Commandments."

A guy travelling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar.

He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.

As he sipped his drink,he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time.

One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.

"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time."

Three guys are debating about who has the best memory.

The first guy says,

"I can remember the first day of First Grade!"

The second guy says,

"I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"

Not to be outdone, the third guy says,

I'm sitting at dinner with three friends, two woman and another man.

The three of them have just been served whole, uncracked lobsters.

The other guy has never eaten one before and is having trouble so one of the girls, an expert at eating lobster, demonstrates how to use a fork in the tail to rotate the meat out of the shell.

Next the guy tries his hand at getting the meat out of his lobster tail and he is there with his fork having some trouble.

I'm looking down at my fish and I hear the girl say:

"More, more!" "Put it in deeper!" "Push harder!"

Needless to say I started cracking up...but the three of them, absorbed in the operation at hand, didn't have a clue until I told them what I heard.

He could swim but his big fear was of the alligators, which kept him clinging to his overturned boat. Spotting an old beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted out to him, "There wouldn't by chance be any alligators in these waters would there?"

"Nope," the old beachcomber hollered back. Haven't seen any out there in years!"

Feeling relieved, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward shore. About half way toward shore he asked the old beachcomber, "Say how'd you all get rid of the gators, anyway?"

On a ship, there was a pirate who had a steering wheelsticking out past his pants.

One of his crew asked,"Do you know there's a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"

S P A C E A L I E N ' S L O G B O O K

8:15 AM Leave asteroid for work.

9:00 AM Hover over cornfield on outskirts of small Midwestern town.

9:30 AM Land in backyard where housewife is hanging laundry. Silence barking dog with penetrating gaze.

10:00 AM Stun housewife with laser-gun or energy pulsating fingertips. Levitate her body just long enough to be glimpsed by a passing motorist. Materialize the body inside spaceship. Remove internal organs; weigh, label and categorize. Return most, if not all, to the body. Erase all traces of surgery. Rematerialize housewife in backyard. Turn back time two hours. Bid enigmatic good-bye. Leave.

1:10 PM Visit once prestigious astronomer who everyone thinks has gone mad. Deliver pep talk. Leave him fist-sized fragments of an unidentifiable element.

2:15 PM Drop by Whitley Strieber's house, pick up royalty check from best seller. Communion.

3:00 PM It's Saturday; Beam Mulder psychic impressions where to go next.

3:20 PM Hover over southwestern desert.

3:30 PM Offer psychotic drifter a lift.

4:30 PM Pose for cover of "Weekly World News" with Pres. Bush. Discuss ozone depletion, space travel, future political endorsements.

6:30 PM Back at the asteroid. Introduce psychotic drifter to other aliens. Listen to Windham Hill.

9:00 PM Dinner. Eat drifter.

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

REQUIRED READING LIST:

"Home Maintenance" by Duane Pipe

"Sitting Outside of Ireland" by Paddy O' Furniture

"Looking into the Wishing Well" by Eileen Dover

"The Great English Breakfast" by Cris P. Bacon

"I Got Away With Murder" by Scott Free

"Winning Big" by Jack Potts

"Vacationing Spots in the Tropics" by Sandy Beech

"Dealing With Debt" by Owen Munny

"I Always Enjoy the Darkness" by Gladys Knight

"Doorway to the Haunted House" by Hugo Furst

"Wearing Earrings" by Pierce Deare

"The Long Road" by Myles Walker"

Baker's Men" by Pat E. Kake

"The making of a Hotdog" by Frank Furter (Paul Thompson)

"How to Raise Lambs" by Shep Hurd

"A History of Valentines" by Bea Mine

"How to make an Igloo" by S.K. Moe

"Bell Ringing" by Paula D. Rope

"The Nasty Kid" by Enid A. Spanking

"Basic Math" by Adam Upp

"Grade School is Easy" by Ella Mann Tree

"All About Weeds" by Dan D.Lyons

"Playing in the School Band" by Clara Nett

The wedding cake was not always eaten by the bride.

It was originally thrown at her.

Until modern day, children were expected to follow marriage as night follows day.
'
Wheat, always a symbol of fertility, was showered upon new brides, and unmarried young women were expected to scramble for the grains, much as they now do for the bouquet.

But early Roman bakers, whose art was held in highest regard, grew offended at the waste of wheat. They began to bake small, hand-sized cakes--to be eaten, not thrown.

Festive guests, fond of the tradition of pelting the bride, tossed the cakes anyway.

The Roman philosopher Lucretius offered this compromise: crumble the cakes over the bride’s head, and to further symbolize fertility, the bride and groom would save a bit of the cake to feed each other.

In the Middle Ages, when times were hard in England, people were less willing to throw food.

The sweet cakes evolved to simple biscuits, and guests were encouraged to bring their own. After the eating--and yes, still some throwing--the leftovers were collected into a pile, to be distributed amongst the poor.

The size of the pile quickly became symbolic of the prosperity of the couple, who exchanged kisses atop the mound. Ironically, it was this frugal practice that gave rise to the multitiered monstrosity we are familiar with today, thanks to the French contempt of all things British.

The French chef of King Charles II witnessed the cake-piling ceremony and was appalled at the haphazard stack. Inspired to build an organized, tiered work of iced art, it became the rage of all France.

Rated G

You're on the West Coast when . . .

* You make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy your own house.

* The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.

* The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

* You know how to eat an artichoke.

* You drive to your neighborhood block party.

================================

You're in New York when . . .

* You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

* You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

* You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

* You think Central Park is "nature."

* You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

* You've ever worn out a car horn.

* You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

=================================

You're in Alaska when . . .

* You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.

* Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

* You have more than one recipe for moose.

* Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

* The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.

=================================

You're in the South when . . .

* You get a movie and bait in the same store.

* "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

* after a year you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"

* "he needed killin' " is a valid defense.

=================================

You're in Colorado when . . .

* You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

* You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care.

* A pass does not involve a football or dating.

* The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

* Your bridal registry is at REI.

===============================

You're in the Midwest when . . .

* You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

* Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

* You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

* You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall, I wanna go with."

* Your first job was detasseling.

Those who can, do.

Those who can't, teach.

Those who can't teach, counsel.

Those who can't counsel, administrate.

Those who can't administrate, enter data into the computer.

Those who can't enter data into the computer, take dictation.

Those who can't take dictation, alphabetize files.

Those who can't alphabetize files, answer the phone.

Those who can't answer the phone, fry hamburgers.

Those who can't fry hamburgers, run the cash register.

Those who can't run the cash register, wait on tables.

Those who can't wait on tables, carry dirty dishes to the kitchen.

Those who can't carry dirty dishes to the kitchen, wash the dirty dishes.

Those who can't wash dirty dishes, peel potatoes.

Those who can't peel potatoes, buff the floor.

Those who can't buff the floor, haul out the garbage.

Those who can't haul out the garbage, write poetry.

Those who can't write poetry, write clever letters to the editor.

Those who can't write clever letters to the editor, write angry letters to the editor.

Those who can't write angry letters to the editor, spraypaint graffiti.

Those who can't spraypaint graffiti, write screenplays.

Those who can't write screenplays, write TV scripts.

Those who can't write TV scripts, read scripts for the studios.

Those who can't read scripts for the studios, act.

Those who can't act, take acting classes.

Those who can't take acting classes, sing.

Those who can't sing, sing Rock'N'Roll.

Those who can't sing Rock'N'Roll,sing it anyway.

Those who can't sing it anyway, become depressed.

Those who can't become depressed, get bitter.

Those who can't get bitter, get confused.

Those who can't get confused, stay confused.

Those who stay confused, find it difficult to complete unfinished sentences.