I returned to my parents' home to attend a funeral. At the funeral my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. "Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?" she asked as she left me in his company.

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He must be the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother's funeral. "It's good to see you again, Rabbi," I said. "Though I wish it weren't always under such tragic
circumstances. "The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother.

"Imagine," she whispered, "after all this time, to run into the
rabbi who performed your first wedding!"

I returned to my parents' home to attend a funeral. At the
funeral my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely
familiar. "Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?" she asked as she left
me in his company.

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He
must be the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at
my grandmother's funeral. "It's good to see you again, Rabbi," I
said. "Though I wish it weren't always under such tragic
circumstances. "The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some
words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes
later, I rejoined my mother.

An atheist's worst moment is being truly grateful with no one to thank!

Quote from the "Vent", Scottsdale Tribune:

"First they sue the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer; Then the fast food places for making them fat;

Guess I can sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I have slept
with."

And just when you thought you knew everything...

I'll bet you didn't know all these things - especially the last one !!!!!

Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days whe the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.


And.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Jack hadn't been to a class reunion in decades.

When he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You look like Helen Brown."

 |  IP: Logged

Rated G

Simpler Times

The year 1902, one hundred years ago ...What a difference a century makes. Here are the US statistics for 1902.

1. The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven (47).

2. Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.

3. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A threemminute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

4. There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.

5. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

6. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

7. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

8. The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.

9. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

10. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 Per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

11. More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.

12. Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

13. Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.

14. Most women only washed their hair once a month and they used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

15. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason. (wonder if still exists?)

16. The five leading causes of death in the US were: A. Pneumonia and influenza
B. Tuberculosis
C. Diarrhea
D. Heart disease
E. Stroke

17. The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico,
Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

18. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 60.

19. Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

20. There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

21. One in ten US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

22. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin
clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the
stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

23. Eighteen percent of households in the US had at leastone full-time servant or domestic. (not bad on 22¢/hour)

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

Thank you for calling 911. In order to serve you better, your call is being routed to the police department, fire department, hospital or mortuary best able to help you.

If your home is being broken into, press 1. If the intruder is armed, press 2. If the intruder is in the room from which you are making this call, press 4. If you are attempting to avoid detection and have turned off the lights, press 233920029372, followed by the pound sign.

This is not a valid number. Please try again.

If you have been attacked since your last choice, are dazed and unable to recall long strings of random numbers, press 1. If you are bleeding, press 4. If you are bleeding all over the rug, press 5. If you would like the number of a good cleaner, press 7. If you want more options, press 1776-star, in honor of the choices opened up to humanity by the American Revolution.

George Carlin Strikes Again

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that
make the Tennessee Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put
your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed, "This
is Mr. Magillicutty. I need you to bury my wife."

"Mr. Magillicutty? Sidney Magillicutty?"

"Yes, that's right."

"Didn't I bury your wife 10 years ago?" the undertaker asked.

"I got married again," the man sobbed.

Stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some equally stupid answers:

At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends

Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer: Well, it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so I thought I'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.

In the bus:

A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet.

Stupid Question: Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

At a funeral:

One of the teary-eyed people asks:

Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.

Answer: Why? Would you rather it have been you?

At a restaurant:
When you ask the waiter asks:

Stupid Question: Is the "blah blah blah" dish good

Answer: No, its terrible and made of last weeks dishwater. We occasionally also spit in it.

When a friend announces her wedding and you ask a:

Stupid Question: Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer: No, he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout . . . it's just the money.

When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call:

Stupid Question: Sorry, were you sleeping?

Answer: No. I was just lying here waiting for you to phone.

When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair:

Stupid Question: Hey! have you had a haircut?

Answer: No, its spring and I'm shedding.

At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth.

Stupid Question: Tell me if it hurts?

WHY NOT MODERNIZE ITALIAN?

VENI, VEDI, VISA