DEAR ABBY REJECTS

The following are actual letters that Abigail Van Burin (Dear Abby) herself admitted she was at a loss to answer:

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months, and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

Innkeeper: The room is $15.00 a night. It's $5.00 if you make yourown bed.

Guest: I'll make my own bed.

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Subject: anatomy class

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"

Dick Cheney Loses Keys To Undisclosed Location WASHINGTON, DC (AheadofNews.com)

- Vice President Dick Cheney was seen and overheard in a Cincinnati shopping mall today, huddled in a phone booth wearing a Cincinnati Red's t-shirt, and saying "I can't find the damned bunker keys!".

Shopper Anita Randze says "Oh yes, I could tell right away it was
him. First of all, he looked just like Mr. Cheney. And also,
there was those three secret service guys with him, with those
mirror sunglasses and ear phone thingies. They were cute, and I do mean cute!"

Cure For Apathy Found, Gets Little Press SAN FRANCISCO, CA (AheadofNews.com)

- Scientists at Stanford University have discovered an important biochemical clue that may explain or even predict apathy in patients.

Dr. Hugh Glimp, a biochemical psychologist working for the Rind Networksays "It's amazing! A few extra dopamine inhibitors, and the
subject just doesn't give a rip."

Subsequent studies showed thata few milligrams of garlic and a little reggae music actuallyreversed the effects, but nobody really cared.

~ Rejected Motel 6 Slogans ~

Because you deserve better than the back seat of some car.

As seen on COPS.

If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets.

Not just for one nighters anymore.

We left off the 9, but you know it's there.

You rented the room, now buy the video.

We'll leave the Lysol out for ya.

Official lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.

I got a bottle of that hair restorer product, "Rogaine",from my barber.

He said to carefully rub it in with twofingers.

Scientists To Admit To Practical Joke

ATLANTA, GA (AheadofNews.com)

- Food scientists will admit, sometime later this week, that many of the things that they've been telling the public are bad for them are
actually not a problem, and that some of the foods they've touted
as healthy "were just a joke".

"Every time I see someone eating a tofu burger, I just bust up laughing," one eminent scientist will admit.

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,his axe fell into the river.

When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter told Him that his axe has fallen into water.

God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

" Is this your axe?", God asked.

The woodcutter said "No".

God again went down and came up with a silver axe."

"Is this your axe?", God asked.

The wood cutter said "No".

God went down again and came up with an iron axe.

"Is this your axe?" God asked.

The wood cutter said "Yes".

God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all the three axes.

The woodcutter went home happily.

One day while he was walking with his wife along the river, his wife fell into the river.

When he began crying, God appeared and asked him,"Why are you crying?"

"My wife has fallen into water."

God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

"Is this your wife?", God asked.

"Yes", he said.

God was furious. "You cheat! I will curse you......", God scolded.

He quickly said, "Forgive me My Lord. It is an misunderstanding.

If I say "No" to Jennifer Lopez, you will come up with Catherine
Zeta Jones. If I also say "No" to her, you will finally come up
with my wife and I will say "Yes". Then you will give all the
three to me. I am a poor man. I will not be able to look after
all the three. So that's why I've to say "Yes".

Space Aliens Bored With Rectal Exams, Say Experts

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO (AheadofNews.com)

- Alien abduction experts say that rectal exams, once the favored methods of space aliens, are on the wane. "We're not seeing as many anal cases," says Dr. Norbert Fudge, of the US Air and Space
Administration,"we think perhaps the aliens have learned whatever it was they were after, and have moved on to other things."

What is it that's replaced rectal exams, for our alien visitors?

"Karaoke," says Dr. Fudge, "they're fascinated by it."

Industrial Design Firms Work On Flexibility, Control

LOS ANGELES, CA (AheadofNews.com) - The days of hard-edged chrome plated controls are gone, say design experts. "People want things that wiggle," says Norbert Whiner, design expert with Wright and Rhong in Los Angeles, "those little nipple things in laptop keyboards were just the tip of the iceberg.

We're finding that people like to grab on to smooth, warm, rounded things, that are kind of firm yet yielding."

Industrial design experts are puzzling over the new findings, and are looking for things in nature that they might model new controls on.

The big-city counterfeiter deceided the best place to pass off his phony $18.00 bills wouldbe in some small hick Southern town. So he got into his new wheels and off he went.

He found a tiny town with one store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter.

"Can, you change this for me, please?" he said.