Taken from an internet site where there's a competition for writing the most romantic first line and most unromantic second line.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty & so is your head.

After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between the eyes.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .
.. Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Every time I see your face
I wish I were in outer space.

I saw your face as you walked by
But then I saw a better guy.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If its true, I'd prefer you inside out.

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell."

You looked troubled," Bill told his friend Doug, "what's your problem?"

Doug replied, "I'm going to be a father."

"But that's wonderful," Bill replied.

This is a special treat for all blind projectionists:

Question: .:.:: :.: ::.:. :. :.:.: :.::.: :..::.:?

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meet President Bush.

They shake hands, and as they are walking along the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush says, "Well I will try to answer your question as best as I can."

So the Saudi whispers, "Well, you see, my son watches the show 'Star Trek' and in it are Blacks, Russians, and Asians, but never Arabs. This upsets him greatly; he doesn't understand why there are no Arabs in the show."

An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra, or in her panties and started feeling around.

Dennis Miller said recently, regarding the judges who declared
the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional:

Here are some actual signs seen around the world:

Sign in London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

Outside a farm:

HORSE MANURE: $1 PER PRE-PACKED BAG -.25 CENTS DO-IT-YOURSELF.

In a laundry, on each washing machine:

PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

On a church door:

THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE BY THIS DOOR. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use the side door)

Outside a photographer's studio:

OUT TO LUNCH; IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.

Outside a disco:

SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME.

In a cleaner's window:

ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

In a health food shop:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

In a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

In a hotel during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

In a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT BE AWARE THAT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (Please knock hard on the door -- the bell doesn't work)

In an office building washroom:

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious brother.................. Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt ..............................Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes...........Gotta Gogh

The constipated uncle ..............................Cant Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store.....Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia...............U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white.....Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois..................................Chica Gogh

His magician uncle.................................Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin.....................................Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh

A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach .......Wellsfar Gogh

The bird lover uncle...................................Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst.......................E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking........Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew.........................Poe Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van...

A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room, dragging a wet rabbit on a leash.

"Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her and then the soaking-wet rabbit jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, Fluffy!" the woman shouts. "Don't you want to be a good little rabbit?"

Apparently not, because Fluffy, still wet, jumps onto the floor shakes furiously, spraying water on everyone and then proceeds to squat and urinate, right there in the middle of the room.

Someone sent me an article that said the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish things you've started. It is definitely
working for me. I am now making a point of always finishing what
I start and I think I am well on my way toward finding inner
peace.

Because I care for you, I am passing this wisdom on to you.

Here are the things that I have finished today:

You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive?

Makes one think, and puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 -- $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 -- $9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 -- $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 -- $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 -- $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 -- $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 -- $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 -- $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 -- $84.48 per gallon

and this is the REAL KICKER......

Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 ---- $21.19 per gallon $21.19 FOR WATER! .... and the buyers don't even know the source.

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or Heaven forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!!

IT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT!

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible:

Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have.

I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head
through it.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I collided with a stationary car going the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
curb when I struck him.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

Some friends and I were visiting a nearby city for a football game and one of the friends was drinking prior to and during the game.

By the time we went to dinner after the game he was "feeling no pain".

Our attractive waitress was wearing a low cut blouse and when she asked him what he wanted the said, " I want to get into your pants."

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD

Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX!