SO SO SECURITY

The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices.

These companies target the elderly and make them think they will
receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a
stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"

He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

While having lunch today, I commented to a newlywed that in Korea, the wife does not change her last name to match that of her husband. We were also ribbing himabout his wife's request to hyphenate his last name along with her's.

To which another coworker spouted "You know, when I got married my wife changed my middle name!

REACHING INNER PEACE

I am passing this on to you-------It is definitely working for me. I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to FINISH things I had started.

Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips, a cherry pie, a fifth of Grey Goose, a two bean burritos and slapped the living shit out of someone I don't like. I feel better already.

A FABULOUS HOLIDAY!

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a very good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

A avid user of seat belts was out one night with his girlfriend.

Driving up the road going around 70-80 mph in his new car.

The speed must have turned the girl "on", she moved over next to him and started to undo his fly, reaching in and playin' around.

When all of sudden a deer jumped in front of the car, turning hard on the wheel he lost control of the car, and into the ditch they went,
rollin' six or seven times, finally the car came to rest.

EMTs arrive on the scene and the man was still strapped in his car. All he could say "Those damn seat belts".

EMTs told him he was lucky, and that his girlfriend was thrown from the car and was seriously injured. "You made it man, you made it".

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and
in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For
Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

I'M NOT SMOKING

Rubin was visiting a friend in the hospital. He was trying to stop
smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the
elevator.
A lady said to him with a snarl, "Sir, there's no smoking in here."

Rubin said, 'I'm not smoking lady.'

"But you have a cigar in your mouth," the woman said.

"Lady," Rubin answered, 'I've got on Jockey shorts, too, but I'm
not riding a horse."

1. Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

2. Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

3. To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

4. To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.

5. To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

6. When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

7. Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan and the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.

8. To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

9. To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top.

10. Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces and there won't be any stains.

11. When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan,use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

12. If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

13. Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

14. Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

15. Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

16. Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

17. If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

18. Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

19. To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.

20. Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.

21. Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.

22. When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.

23. Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice
cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

24. Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer!

Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush, and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.

Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.

A woman went to see a psychiatrist and complained, "Doctor, my husband thinks he's a magician."

"What's so bad about that?" the shrink asked.

"We're being sued. A week ago my husband shoved a girl into a trunk and sawed it in half."

"The girl's family is suing you?" the psychiatrist asked.

Judi spotted Jon across a crowded room at a convention in Las Vegas. Easing up next to him, Judi asked Jon if he would like to join her for a drink.

"I don't know," said Jon. "I've got a wife and two kids at home..."

To which Judi replied, "I don't know you. You don't know me.They don't know us, and we don't know them." Jon thought about it for a second and then agreed.

A few drinks later, Judi invited Jon up to her room for a nightcap. When Jon hesitated again, she said, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." And Jon agreed.

MORE DARWIN AWARDS

Hard to believe, but another year has passed. For those who don't know it, and we have once again found the Darwin Award Winning Nominees. The Darwin's are awarded every year to the persons who died (or almost died) in the stupidest way. Named Darwin Awards because it is hoped that "Survival of the Fittest" means something. Hopefully these idiots haven't passed along their stupidity.

This year's nominees are:

Nominee No. 1:

[San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2:

[Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3:

[Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4:

[UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

Nominee No. 5:

[Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

Nominee No. 6:

[The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 7:

[The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 PM.
Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gun powder ignited.

Nominee No. 8:

[Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

Finally, Nominee No. 9, The Winner!!!:

[Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle.

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says,

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

The yuppie business woman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags.

Noticing that her favorite suit had been badly wrinkled during the flight, she phoned the front desk and asked to have the hotel's valet service pick up the suit for pressing.

Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door and there stood an elderly Chinaman,waiting.

Impressed by the speedy service, the career woman exclaimed,

"My, you come lickety-split!"