George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told
George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is
very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says

"You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the
difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many
years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the
third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance."

Believe it or not, there was a study on nose-picking published in
February of 1995 in the Journal of Psychiatry. Yes, you read it right
- college professors being paid the big bucks to find out who picks their nose.

Of course, scientists must give everyday things complicated scientific names. Nose-picking is a term for us common folk. Nose-picking should really be referred to as rhinotillexomania(rhino=nose, tillexis=habit of picking atsomething, mania=obsession with something). So, the next time that you see a person picking their nose, tell them that they are a rhinotillexomaniac. The researchers prepared their "Rhinotillexomania Questionnaire" and randomly mailed it to 1000 residents in Dane County, Wisconsin. Each survey included a cover letter that stated "The University of Wisconsin is conducting a survey of a common but understudied habit scientifically known
as 'rhinotillexomania'. Its common name is nose-picking."Even better, the letter actually defined what nose-picking is: "Insertion of a finger (or other object) into the nose with the intention of removing dried nasal secretions. I'll bet that you already knew that...

Great Suggestions On Where To Put It:

Place them under your desk.
Rub it in your hand until it disappears.
Use it to glue memos together.
Put it back in your nose.
Flick it at someone.
Eat it. Yum Yum!
Put it in a tissue. (submitted by Martha Stewart)
Use instead of marshmallows in hot chocolate.
Just a pitch between the cheek and gum.
Place on bedpost. They don't lose their flavor overnight.
Use it to hold your coffee cup on the dashboard.
I think you should stick it between your teeth to fill those
little gaps, makes a nice snack anytime!
And you could stick it behind your ear so your ear sticks to the
side of your head. (Now there's an idea!)
In your brothers lunch (shhh! he never noticed!)
Makes great hair gel (nice)
Use it as a non fattening nutritious diet snack

A man without arms or legs is sunbathing by the sea on a small rocky pinninsula. He is approached by three beautiful women who take pity on them.

The first women says to him, "Have you ever been Hugged?"

The man shakes his head no, and she leans down and gives him a big hug.

"Have you ever been kissed?" asks the second women.

He shakes his head no and she bends down and kisses him.

Rather abruptly the third girl asks, "Have you ever had screwed?"

"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.

It's said that beauty is only skin deep.

All Right.

CANBERRA, Australia - Australia's first ever sheep counting championship started today, in the Outback town of Hay, 450 miles west of Sydney.

Professional sheep counters have had lots of work lately, as farmers sell their livestock, trimming their herds due to drought conditions. Today's event is a new chance for most sheep counters to show off their skills.

Sheep counter Marko Jacks says that he's heard all the jokes, but that it's a pretty serious matter.

"It sounds simple," says Jacks, "but most people who try it are surprised at how hard it really is."

Under the rules, somewhere between 350 and 450 sheep will run past 10 competitors, who will attempt to count them.

"Most people make it to about 40-45 sheep," says Jacks, "and then they keel right over, snoring like bejeezus."

How did we EVER survive??

Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have. As children we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

Our baby cribs were painted with bright colored lead based paint. We often chewed on the crib, ingesting the paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets. And when we rode our bikes we had no helmets. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really hurt.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda, but we were never over weight; we were always outside playing. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

GLOBALISATION

This Just in:

A truck load of Viagra has just been hijacked off I-95 hours ago.

Area police said they're on the lookout for a group of hardened
criminals!

The Asshole Bill of Rights

As an ASSHOLE, I proclaim the following:

#1 I will live my life the way I deem fit, screw political
correctness.

#2 I have the right to choose my religious path if I choose one at all.

#3 If I want to eat a cow, I will eat a cow.

#4 I have the right to hang up on telemarketers midsentence and not have to worry about whether or not I was polite.

#5 If I think someone's an idiot, I will tell them they're an idiot.

#6 I have the right to tell children that their parents aren't raising them correctly. (Think of how many times you've been at a
supermarket and heard a screaming child the entire time...what
exactly would you want to say that'd be any nicer?)

#7 If you don't know what you're talking about, shut the hell up.

#8 You may have the right to speak, but I don't have to listen to
you.

#9 If I want to be rude, loud, and obnoxious, it's a free country.

#10 If I want to go to a bar, destroy my liver with alcohol, clog my arteries with junk , and have unsafe sex with the woman/man I just met, I ought to be able to smoke while I'm at it.

#11 I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can go to Jenny Craig.

#12 Jerry Springer for President!!!!!!!

#13 Denis Leary should be proclaimed God and given reign over
society.

#14 Your daughter just got drunk at a party, made a slut of herself, and you're worried about my religious beliefs?

#15 Before you tell me how to run my life, be certain that your own is squeaky clean.

#16 Just because you work at McDonald's doesn't mean you have an excuse to have an I.Q. under twelve.

#17 (Courtesy of George Carlin) Just because you're a student
does not mean that you're any more enlightened than someone that works at Blockbuster.

#18 Speaking of Blockbuster, if I return the tape, you do not have to actually sue me for $15!!

#19 If you're stupid enough to give me credit, deal with the
consequences.

#20 It's ignorant to charge someone $25 if they bounce a check for $5. (If I didn't have the $5, what makes you think I'm going to have $25 you retards!!)

#21 If you don't like the way I drive then at the next red light get out from under my car.

#22 If your dog or cat is so smart, then why do you talk to it like it's a newborn baby?

#23 If I shoot you while you're committing a crime, and you try to sue me for it, I'll shoot you again.

#24 Courtesy of Ben Franklin: Anyone who would give up freedoms and liberties for temporary security deserves neither freedom or security.

CORPORATE TRAVEL POLICY

Due to the current financial situation among dot-com companies, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual.

Effective Monday the following revised procedures apply:

LODGING - All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel.If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites.Bus terminals,train stations,and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

TRANSPORTATION

- Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport.Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips.Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used.For example,if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle,but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

MEALS -

Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum.It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms,General Nutrition Center,Costco,and Sam's Club often provide free samples of promotional items.Entire meals can be obtained in this manner.Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations.If restaurants must be utilized,travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group.

MISCELLANEOUS -

All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods,which could be used to defray travel expenses.In support of this idea,red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage.Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

We welcome any suggestions for further cost cutting.

As part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back toschool and finish his Graduate Degree Equivalent to get credit for a high school education. This is part of Mike's Ebonics homework vocabulary assignment. He must use each new word in a sentence and indicate the word in capital letters.

Da prison bus driver say, "Get yoh butt ABODE dis bus rat now."

Den ACID, "You be gonna git yoh ass kick in dat boxin ring."

I gots so mad at mah girlfriend, AFRO a lamp an tellafone atter.

I likes studin in da slammer, so AFTERMATH I go smokes weed at da boxin jim.

I ax da man at da main office, "Am dis BEWARE I goes to fight?"

I is able to fix yoh car cause in jail I lerned to be a CARTOONIST.

To caut dem catfish you gotta CASTANET.

Wen I looked atter, I CAUTERIZE lookin at mah crotch.

Da judge say, "One mo outbuss and outta da COATROOM you gonna go!"

I calls 911 and wen dey shows up, I say, "COPULATE, she done fell an hurts herseff on mah fiss!"

Widout no coat I waits for a bus but it be to CULTIVATE -- so,I am steels me a car.

I nocks him down fo time an da boxin coach he say, "DATA boy!"

I likes LaKeisha an DeNetra, but I has mo girls on DECIDE.

Am you call de fold in da fronta dese pants DECREASE?

You be saw de size of DEFEAT on dat bro who play noze takkle fur da Rams?

I runs from da cops, hops DEFENSE, and den I gets away.

DENIAL rivver be over to Roam, Ejeept.

DERANGE am da place where da dear an dem annelope play.

In da sto I ax how much is dis apple an how much be DESPAIR.

Wen de dog jump dat fence, he head gets over befo DETAIL.

I ax da ho DeNetra, "How mah DICTATE?"

I be tall, dark, handsom, not DIMENSION hungs lack a hoss.

Fur da blood test, da doctor wid dat needle say, "DISMAY hurt."

I toll he, "I dont want da bros to see me wid dis purse and in dese heals an DISTRESS!"

Mah woman birthday be today an I gots her a big DOMINEERING.

Rite fo I pops he wid a cap, ESSAY, "Dont shoot me agin Mike!"

I met dis new woman an am gonna EXAMINER coochie tonight.

Onliest way to see if dem boobs be real is to EXPLORER chest.

I aint go shopping much but EYEBROWS in da mall reel offen.

Her dress be got ten buttons but her pregnant and can only
FASCINATE.

I sho do like dem GRAM crakkers and milk.

Yah, I sho be GRUESOME since I beed foteen.

You is stingy, so HANDSOME watermellon and poke chop to
yo bro.

At de rape trial, da judge ax mah buddy who be got HONOR first.

We wuz playin pokker da other day an I wuz HONOR ROLL.

If you be hung real good, you can makes a HORMONE loud.

I gives mah woman da crabs and da HOTEL everone her seed.

ICE CREAM cuz she be spray dat mace in mah eye.

Dis Lennox Lewis, IGUANA kicks his black ass!

I jus gots in bed wit dis ho and INCOME mah bes bitch wid a gun.

I needs cash fo dope, so I ax a ho, "KENYA spare enuff fur a dime rock?"

LIVER alone cause dat ho aint no good.

I slam da door so hard, I mussa LOCKET.

I buys crack an wuz short on cash, he say, "Gimme one MOBILE."

Dis ho wana hav sex in her car, buts I sez der aint MUSHROOM.

I toll mah bro, "You ODYSSEY da tits on dat ho."

Ever time I be start a new job, OMELETTE go inna week.

Wen I goes to da doctor, he gimme a cup and say, "PENIS."

Drankin dat cheap stuff gonna make you PISTIL 2 in da mornin.

I gots seed fo to gro weed, so I PLANET in da flour bed.

Mah sistah be horny an give boat me an mah POSSUM.

Mah bro RANSOM fass wen da cops drived up.

If you liff dat hevvy thang, you gonna RAPTURE yourseff.

I say, "You gotta RAZOR pay or she gonna quit dis wurk."

Mah foth cuz gived me too tikket fur de futtbawl game, but I dun
SELDOM.

SENILE be wat dem touriss want to do wen dey visit Ejeept.

I say, "Run SODA TV camera don't get dis on film!"

She say she goin home an I say, "No you aint. Dis been reel gudan I wanna got SOMOA."

He SPIDER out to her car smokin dat dope.

Wen me an mah teem boys gets high, we juss STAIRWAY intospace.

She aint seed good so I tol'er to TENDERIZE wit some glasses.

Dem cops be TOAD mah car off to de car jail.

I wuz gonna buys mah momma a bra but I couldnt fine no TRIPOLI.

If dis not be da rite one, den it muss be de UDDER.

I blee VOWEL hav sum mo chitluns.

BURLINGTON, VT In times past, people had an easier time remembering comforting bits from their childhood, says a panel of experts.
"It used to be, people would ramble on about boysenberry pie on Sundays," says Dr. Frank Rosewood of the Memory Clinic at Vermont Medical Center, "or Adirondack chairs, or their grandmothers hooked rugs. That's all changed, now that the pace of change has accelerated so greatly."

Memory experts say that it's difficult to be nostalgic for something that was only a brief part of your life. Anything that you were exposed to for less than a year is unlikely to bring back fond long- term memories. That's why people still remember 'M*A*S*H' but not 'Hello, Larry', which also starred McLean Stevenson. It didn't run on long enough to create the sense of nostalgia that the longer series did.

Today, with new technologies and devices constantly entering the scene, it's very unlikely that anything will remain around in a relatively unchanged form long enough for people to ever be nostalgic about them. People who may remember their old record player fondly will have trouble recalling what Napster was, in just a few years.

A Mystery Solved

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.

The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.

The beer scooter works in the following fashion:

* The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub- contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter.The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.

It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out: 'How did I spend so much money?'

* Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

* An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This generates the third question after a night out 'What happened?'

* With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's EMIT is not necessarily the EMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained over a suitable period.

* Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.

*With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.Another question answered!!

MISUNDERSTANDING

A young girl who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter to economize in matches. After a short time it began to give trouble. So she spoke to a gentleman who had one, having just seen him light a cigarette with it and put it in his pocket.

She: Now be a dear and tell me about that thing you have there in your trousers.

He: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) I'm not used to discussing such things with ladies.

She: Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work? Do you jerk it up and down?

He: Oh, sometimes...

She: Then it's different from mine, mine just opens and shuts. Do you rub yours up and down until something comes?

He: Oh yes, especially in cold weather.

She: Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it?

He: No, most certainly not!

She: Oh. You should, it does it good. You never soaked it before then?

He: Of course I haven't.

She: You should try it then sometime, it takes the stiffness out of it.

He: Er, well... I'm afraid that you are a naughty girl.

She: (Thinking he referred to smoking) Oh, every girl does it nowadays anyway. What about your wick, is it a long one?

He: Yes, it is rather on the long side.

She: I think I will have to try a bigger one because the one I use does not seem to go far enough to do any good. Does yours go red on the end when it's dry?

He: Yes.

She: So does mine. In the past mine has been giving me much trouble. Would you like to have a look at it?

He: No no, not now. We had better wait until it's dark.

She: Don't be ridiculous, you can see much better in the daylight. It has been leaking these past few days so I have put a rag around it. I'll unwind it now (opening her handbag and producing her lighter). Look, here it is (dashing her lighter). It has run out again, damn... now I'll have to go back to matches.

HOLLYWOOD SQUARES

These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes . . .

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the apartment next door.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm ALWAYS safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be ! afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting, "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over 20 years ago, when he was 41 years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.